Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
OMG! What the heck is wrong with this thing? They never stop! I get them deleted and they just come back. What have I done to anger the internet gods? Before I forget though - check it out
Thought these would be cool. with the camp fire hot dogs and s'mores. ( I have way too much free time on my hands)
@mytwistedsoul
The same thing
Not to be a killjoy... I'm just kind of idk ...sad I guess. Thoughtful - thoughtfully sad. (shrug)
I start thinking and then I can't stop, I could make a joke about it. You know I could.
I'd kind of like to take a moment to say thank you to all of you for taking time out of your day to spend a moment here and there talking and sharing. You've all kind of helped draw me out and pull me in to your virtual lives, in the virtual reality world we have going here. I have shared thing here that... in all honesty I have no one else to share it with, other than the dogs and well, while they are good dogs, their input is... shall we say lacking. I just want you all to know that I am grateful. In all honesty, you will probably never fully know just how grateful I am.
There are times that I feel like I'm a child playing an adult. I know I can be immature at times. Goofing around. I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing. I try to come into your worlds here as gently as I can. The last thing I want is to hurt anyone. Oh but I worry - god I worry so much that I am going to screw something up. Say the wrong thing.
I'm learning as I go through all this bs. I'm learning when to come in and when to stay out. Because for me having control of myself is a big deal. I have never had any control over much of anything. I had someone tell me that it's ok if I'm not 100% in control of myself when I come in here. That... absolutely terrifies me. Because I'd like to think I'm a nice guy, I mean I try to be. But not everything about me is nice. There are parts that are just ugly, mean and angry. Hateful. That's a part of me... so I don't know... If that's a part of me - then deep down, is that me? Who I am? Do you understand what I mean? Like if you could put all these pieces and parts together.. a puzzle. Does it ...would it all come together to still be me... this soul. Or would it be a monster frankenstein soul? Someone to fear. Someone to hate... That's someone I have been for along time. My whole family hates my very existence, I have no idea why. Maybe they see the monster that lurks under the surface of my skin. Don't know, guess deep down it doesn't really matter. That's kind of becoming a catch phrase for me. It doesn't matter... it is what it is. I am what I am - who I am, darkness and light, man and monster. Crap - now I need a tissue and a straw... can't blow bubbles in my choclate milk without it.
@mytwistedsoul
I am so glad to be a part of this, too, and glad that I have helped you in some small way. This safe spot has helped me, too.
I think, if youre trying to be a nice person (and from what I can tell you certainly are a great person)… hmm. Not sure where I was going with that. I think, you dont have to let the anger and hate define you. Everyone struggles with their own inner and outer demons, and have to find their own ways of fighting them. Sure, the anger and hate may be a part of you, in a sense, but they dont make you a hateful person. I can imagine that hatred from your family may be some influence in your quest to be a nice guy? So while it is a part of you, it hasnt defined you. You have anger and hate, yes, but you as a person are a nice guy, or whatever you would like to define yourself as. (Did I just say the same thing with different words repeatedly? Hopefully not…)
Yes, doubt, worry, overthinking… it sucks, truly sucks. I worry about my impacts on other people too, and has led to incessant apologizing. And then I feel annoying for apologizing so much, so I apologize for apologizing all the time, and then Catch 22. (Catch 22? Whys it called a Catch 22 anyway?) But back on track… your words have never had a negative impact on me; quite the opposite, in fact. Hopefully knowing that gives you some comfort.
Again, Im glad to be here. I have a safe space to both run away from my mind, and to speak it. Or, I can enjoy some smores and chocolate milk, chilling by a campfire with nice people in comfy beanbag chairs.
This place is special.
@mytwistedsoul
@mytwistedsoul
I'm still a teenager, but it seems to me that all of adulthood is one big guessing game. No wonder so many books have been written about parenting— there are so many responsibilities, and no set right and wrong way of how to carry them out properly. Raising a child to me sounds… problematic. So many different influences you have on your kid, you dont know what the heck youre doing… a great description for life, actually. (What? I lose my train of thought so quickly on these and end up typing utter nonsense)
So you havent gotten it all figured out? Thats okay. Youre doing at least a few things right, and with time youll improve in more and more areas of life.
Dont worry about ruining the mood or anything like that. Safe space, remember? Letting it all out can be quite therapeutic.
(If those notifications dont go away for good I will feed them to the unicorns!)
@ThePizza Thank you. I need a reality check every once in a while. You're a trip. Please don't take that the wrong way. For a teenager - you're pretty darn smart. I hope you know that. While this may be a special place - I think you are a special person, you may not see it now, but one day you will. Any time you need this place as an outlet for.... whatever. You are always welcome. Everyone is - no judgement.
Suck it up soul - pity party's over.
If those unicorns are still hungry they can have my notifications too. I hope they get it fixed soon.
*tosses on a few more logs* @NoneTheWiser @ThePizza
Thank you both. For being the voices of reason. For everything. sorry for being such a sap.
Have a good night
I'm gonna go play tag with the sandman.
These notifications - man I am telling you. I had to laugh though because it seems like I'm going backwards on my path and I know it's just because somethngs screwed up on the site. But it sort of seems fitting. I think there's a glitch in the system. Glad I'm not the only one.
@ThePizza @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe and of course anyone else who want to join in the ground is lava
figured we needed different options
Wanted to make it official so I made this -
wow - I just realized my initials on here are an abbreviation for mountains. How cool is that?
@mytwistedsoul
@NoneTheWiser
Great cushions and ladders! Im looking forward to the game. Nice decree too! Love it
How were your guys days? You check up on me often and I really appreciate it, so I was wondering how you were doing
I think we ran out of the rainbow marshmallows— anyone know where to get more?
@ThePizza Hey How are you? Did you have a good day?
I'm doing all right, thank for asking. Munching some popcorn, waiting for a thunderstorm headed this way.
I'll have to get some then, Is there anything else we need? I figured I should make an official decree.
Oh I have a song for here, you'll have to listen to it and let me know if it's fitting.
Hollow Coves - The woods. Wise listened to it and liked it. But we want your thoughts on it too.
@mytwistedsoul
Glad to hear that youre doing well too. I hope your dogs arent scared by the storm! Well, youll be there to protect them so theyll be fine. Plus, storms can be nice, with the sound of the rain on the roof and all that.
I agree with you, there is a song for everything. The Woods fits really well, and I like it too :)
Today was a bit stressful, but Im relieved that its over. Looking forward to Friday
Hmm, rainbow marshmallows… we need some sort of fruit, how about lifesavers? Those are fruits, right? 
@ThePizza Storms usually don't bother the dogs too much unless the lightening is real bad. It just started raining, I always liked the way it smells when it starts to rain. Yeah - probably a little strange.
Awesome so we have a theme song for here. I'm glad you liked it too! Just seemed to really fit here. Because sometimes we need a place to hide.
I'm sorry to hear you had a stressful day. Anything you need to vent about? Rant Woo Hoo, yay Friday!
So lifesavers and rainbow marshmallows.
@mytwistedsoul
Well, Ill be weird along with you. I enjoy the smell too. Rain in general is pretty underrated; everyone complains about it being wet, but rain helps things grow, and smells and sounds good. Although I am a swimmer, so maybe Im just used to water :)
Yes, theme song! Im glad you guys found it, it really does fit well.
Hmm. I guess Ive been feeling kinda sad and lonely lately. Plus theres all the stress of homework and reviewing for testing and— frustrating teachers. But once school is over I can finally relax.
Yep, that seems to cover it, unless you or NoneTheWiser think we need anything else. Has ClassicalMe been around lately?
Im pretty comfortable here, I may end up falling asleep by the fire…
@ThePizza I like it better when it rains at night. It just seems to fit better.
I'm sorry to hear you feeling sad and lonely. Did you know that sad spelled backwards is das? and das not good. Lol ok, yeah it was lame.
Seriously - Any luck with the counselor? Sorry - it's not really any of my business. Well ok it's not my business at all. Just wondering. Anytime you feel like that you're always welcome here, you know that right? Just tag someone. There's usually someone popping here through out the day. So we're here for you if you need anything. Even if you just want to sit by the fire.
I bet it is pretty stressful having all the homework and getting ready for tests. And teachers - you would think they would try to take it just a little easier on everyone at this time. Maybe not give homework, other than to say ,"hey reveiw this". How much longer do you have yet?
No I haven't seen ClassicalMe for a while now. I know they were feeling down, but were also working on some songs and music. So hopefully they be back soon.
Nothing wrong with sleeping by the fire. Good night Pizza, be gentle with yourself, take care
I hope you have a good day tomorrow!
Seems we have started a new page. Amazing.
I recently came across a thread on here, that has made me give some thought to the term toxic. In reading this thread, I must admit that it took great restraint in not adding my own thoughts to it. It seems that someone felt that socializing here and making friends on line is toxic and pathetic. While I will agree that society is becoming too technology based and an awful lot of people would be completely lost with out the internet. ( As I sit here with a laptop) These are the times. I guess what struck me the most was that the only thing that really seemed toxic and pathetic was the person making the comments. To be honest... This person seemed to be taking it all a little too personal. Which made me wonder, what exactly was their purpose, other than to stir things up. And why was it any of their concern? Why did it seem to bother them so? Why are they even here if that's how they feel? How can you think you're going to be supportive to anyone if that's how you feel? It's definitely not someone I would turn to.
It made me wonder also... there are people, such as myself, that this is our idea of socializing. Actually dealing with real in the flesh people is just too distressing at this time. So where does that leave us pathetic toxic people? Should we just stay in our homes completely shut off from the world? It seemed to go completely against the 7cups decree of judgment free, safe place. Which in all honesty... there have been quite a few times that I have experience judgment here and have even commented, safe place my a$$. The sad thing is... having these thoughts makes me judgmental too. Because for all I know this person could have just been having a bad day or been in a bad mood or stubbed their toe, scratched their car. There could have been any number of reasons.
ok... so I was actually going to delete this but it seems like I put some effort into typing this.
@mytwistedsoul
It is an interesting and slippery topic. I try not to judge people, especially my friends, but there are times that I do find myself judging just the half-stranger I know from school who is really pissing me off. Which is interesting, because I try not to judge people for the most part, but when Im angry with someone, I can start to think that if they are THAT annoying, there isnt any reason NOT for me to judge. Though Im probably completely wrong. I know that everyones lives are different and people have their own demons, but really… sometimes it just seems impossible that they have any good reason to be acting that way.
And youre right, it does seem to go against the whole idea of 7Cups. Its okay for people to be uncomfortable around others; its caused by something, and they can work on things, especially when they do find people face to face that they would like to be friends with. But no, these people arent toxic for using this site as a way to socialize. This place is for anyone who needs help, wants to let things go, to learn how to improve things theyd like to improve. 7Cups can be a stepping stone for socializing with others. So, it isnt toxic for people to have the internet as their main source of connecting with other people, especially when it is helpful to them.
Well, this conversation happened a while ago… I dont mean to stir things up again with this post. I guess I wanted to think about it too. When writing a post, do you ever lose track of your original planned answer and go off topic or in a different direction then you thought you would? That happens to me a lot.
@ThePizza All the time, it starts out good and then before you know it, you're like wait what was I just saying? You start out talking about state of things and end up talking about why ice cream doesn't have bones.
You're allowed to have a say in these things too, didn't stir anything up for me. And I think as hard as we try not to judge, it just happens sometimes. I think it's because sometimes there are just people who really ruffle our feathers and you can't help but do it. Just part of human nature, I guess.
