Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@NoneTheWiser @ThePizza @ClassicalMe
I feel like I should apologize to you all, I behaved poorly. I wanted to go all protective, which is funny on so many levels, that it's actually not funny. I've never even stood up for myself, not once. Plus there's the whole distance thing, so lets be realistic.
I really do want you all to feel like you can come here with what ever. I want you to be open here, all of us. About anything. - I can always take that pause. That step away before I say something stupid.
On a side note - I found a hat today, in the attic. A cowboy hat. Lol. yeah. It made me nervous, this stupid hat. A little memory came and apparently we had horses once upon a time.
Thought we needed some new chairs - the lava seems to have eaten the other ones. Sorry they aren't more comfortable.
@mytwistedsoul
I was wondering where all the chairs went! But yes, lava, that makes sense. Dont worry about it, those chairs are actually pretty nice. Perfect for lounging by the fire :)
It was nice having today off, but Im feeling pretty frustrated with my friend, who is just… I mean, I feel bad because hes going through a lot but… I dont know, sometimes he gets really annoying. So then I feel frustrated with him, and then I get mad at myself at being so judgemental of him, and wooooooo spirals into self hatred! Fun.
Today was a rough day for all of us, it seems. @NoneTheWiser, Im not sure what happened but it seems like you got to vent and it helped a bit. Dont forget youre always welcome to rant here, well listen. I hope you get a good nights sleep and that your situation tomorrow improves. @mytwistedsoul, I understand the frustration of wanting to say something but regretting it immediately as soon as its said. But youre also always welcome to rant too, dont forget that. I hope you manage to get more sleep than usual tonight and that tomorrow is better. @ClassicalMe, it sounds like things for you have been going downhill lately. Remember to be gentle with yourself (credits to J for that one) and dont become too frustrated with lack of progress. Sometimes things get worse before they get better, right? Anyway, I believe in you, and I know that you will find ways to beat this and improve your situation. Take care.
{Feel free to skip over the next part}
Anyway. Dont feel I have the right to complain, but Ill just do it anyway and feel guilty as soon as I post this. I am so sick of myself and I wish I could change. I wish I would stop complaining to everyone, especially to people who deal with worse things than I do.
Yeah yeah, Ive just told all of you not to worry about ranting, as this is a safe space. But its different when I think about myself, you know? Im completely fine with you guys talking about your ups and downs, and Im happy to help, but if its me? Oh no, I need to shut my mouth and be cheerful because I have nothing to complain about in comparison.
So this post is a whole mess… anyway, take care everyone 💙💙💙
@ThePizza I think it's normal to get annoyed and frustrated with people, whether it's friends or family. Even the best people in the world probably have this. I mean it's not like you can come right out and tell them that they're annoying you. Well, you could but it would make everyone feel worse. Try not to be too hard on yourself about it. Your friend isn't the only one going through things, I know you are too. I think you're doing an amazing job with everything that's coming at you right now.
Lol - Sorry I saw the skip in between - so my eyes went right to the second paragraph.
You have just as much as any of us to come here, please don't feel guilty about it. You know - we each have our own problems but no one's problems are worse than anyone elses. They're just different. It's just how we look at them. We all feel our problems are important, because they're our problems. We own them. Does that make sense?
It's not complaining - it's talking with attitude. There are things going on in your life, in your world that are causing you upset and making you unhappy. You're allowed to feel that way. You can come in here feeling anyway you want. Please feel free - ANYTIME - to come in and say what ever is on your mind. Don't pretend to be something you're not. If you're sad, we'll listen. If you're angry, we'll listen. If you want to come and just sit quietly by the fire, we'll sit with you. We will accept you no matter what. Yeah?
You truly are an amazing person Pizza, very kind and caring and so smart! Thank you!
I think your post is just fine. You take care too - be gentle with yourself, yeah? I hope you have a good night.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Your replies always make me feel better.
Have a nice night too
@ThePizza You're welcome! Thank you too!
'm just talking out loud. Thinking, thinking. Idk, this might get deep. Maybe not.
I think I maybe lost, mentally, emotionally. Pick an ally. At least it's not physically. I do know where I am.
When you take a moment and think - of yourself, your future. What do you see? Your future? Graduation, job, career, family, kids? House, white picket fence, 2.5 kids. ( how do they come up with that 2.5) For myself - I see nothing. LIke literally nothing. Blank slate. I don't have any hopes, no dreams. I'm not saying it for sympathy or pity god I really don't want any of that. I'm just speaking the truth out loud. I think I'm ok with it. It is what it is. They say the truth hurts, it doesn't actually, the truth is just that - the truth. You can deny it all you want, ignore it, whatever - but it's still the truth. I just need to figure out how to accept it.
I don't want fame, I don't want fortune. Maybe contentment, to be comfortable with myself. To be able to meet my own eyes in a mirror. (it's a b*tch shaving, let me tell you) I think it would be nice to be comfortable around people physically. To not walk around feeling like I'm carrying hand grenades looking for the pins. It would probably be nice if I could like myself and accept myself. To look people in the eye, instead of always looking at the ground. Although you can find really neat things on the ground. To shake someones hand - to give or get a hug. AH - Sleep would be another good thing. Idk - I guess maybe those are my goals, my hopes. So maybe it's not as hopeless as it feels.
Sorry I kind of thinking I'm stepping into some depression. Which is just as bad as stepping in crap. Don't matter what you do, you just can't seem to get it off your shoe. Maybe that should be another thing on my list - to not be sorry all the time, to not feel like I have to be sorry all the time, Sorry for existing, for being me. Chr*st I swear - Didn't I just have this discussion. Where's the wizard when you need him. WHo wanted the brain? Tbh - I've never watched the whole movie, it freaked me out. Clowns creep me out too and dolls. Which there's where I'll stop or I'll never find any sleep tonight.
@mytwistedsoul
If youre okay with the truth of your future, theres nothing wrong with that. Maybe in that sense you havent really lost.
Contentment, more sleep, feeling less guilt, being comfortable with yourself and other people— those are all great goals. If thats your truth, there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has had different experiences in life, and what they want for the future is different. These are all things that you can work towards, and if they are in their future, well the future could be an improvement right?
As NoneTheWiser said, feeling a depression coming is no fun. Sometimes I think it makes it worse when you know its coming— What is wrong with me? I feel it coming, but I cant stop it. But at least you recognize it. Maybe it will give you more time to pull out of it faster. (Sorry that isnt helpful)
The scarecrow wanted the brain. Spoiler alert— the wizard just gives him a diploma, if I remember correctly, and tells him that hes had a brain all along. Some of the characters are a little creepy. Dolls are definitely creepy.
Take care. Take as much time as you need by the fire whenever. Were here
@ThePizza Thanks
I think if you can feel it coming you should be able to stop it.
A diploma, that's it? I think it's the faces on the dolls, all innocent looking. You just know they're plotting your demise. Maybe the Amish are right about having all the dolls with no faces.
Have a good day Pizza.
Had to open the safe this morning to deal with a sick raccoon. Hate having to do things like that. But couldn't take the chance on it having rabies. Then to clorox the area.
Took some doing but got things back in the safe where they belong. I'm catching myself wanting to be secretive with my thoughts, because I know it's no good. .
Freaking Bastille song stuck in my head - There must be something in the koolaid.
You know you're jumpy when the dog chuffs in it's sleep and you almost have a heart attack. (whew)
@ThePizza
Hey - um - I just wanted to let you know, you ARE welcome anywhere I am. Well - except for the restroom, because then it's just awkward. Serously though. I don't think Wise will mind either. So no worries, yeah? It's all good.
@mytwistedsoul
Few— I was a bit worried. Thanks, and dont worry, I will let you go to the bathroom in peace… (lol this is awkward)
@ThePizza Lol! Nah it's all good. Sorry I wanted to say something sooner. But then I got side tracked outside 20 times and just now made it back in.
@mytwistedsoul
Not a problem. I thought it may have been meant to just between the two of you, so I wasn
@ThePizza Nope, hope we didn't freak you out though
@mytwistedsoul
To be honest it was really interesting to me to read more background on your lives. Idk… I think it
@ThePizza Lol! All right then! I don't think you're weird at all, but it's all good. I am really glad it was you though and not some stranger.
@mytwistedsoul
@NoneTheWiser
Glad to give that relief, lol. I wasn
@ThePizza They have got to get some neon signs for these posts or something. Lol let me find it a year later. Sure it's ok to call me J. The big reveal lol! Dah dah dah dahhh!
I know these are open here for anyone to read, like Wise said, she noticed the upvotes and got wondering. I saw them but figured what are you going to do?
@ThePizza Um - so you're learning all my secrets - and you're still talking with me. Man - your open mindedness truely amazes me. You are a treasure Pizza, don't ever let anyone tell you differently.
You can ask questions, I can't say I'll always answer them. I may not know the answer or I might feel a little uncomfortable but You have my word I won't bite your head off or anything
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you and thank you, aha. Not sure you
@ThePizza Lol! Don't forget Wise has those sick jedi ninja skills. I think she can teleport or something.
I feel really irritated right now. Not sure why, but I dont feel like interacting with anyone in my physical life. Today kinda sucks
@ThePizza What's up Pizza? Anything we can help you with?
@NoneTheWiser
Just a heads up - weather's really going down hill. Watches and warning everywhere. So I could lose satellite.
@mytwistedsoul
Just stressed, I guess. I have my math EOC tomorrow (basically a final) and I am not ready, nor do I want to study. I guess, there are other issues too but I feel a bit uncomfortable talking about myself… probably elaborate later.
Good luck with the weather— stay safe
PAUSE - Just need to get this out because this crazy b*tch in my head has just been at me all freaking day.She knows I'm depressed so lets feed it. Just do it - you know you want to - get it over with - GIVE ME WHAT I WANT AND I"LL GO AWAY. Well no shit sherlock. Then we all go away.
sorry - cussing
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry to hear that :( I hate having those thoughts that don
There has to be a way to organize these dog gone threads better. I'm bouncing around like a golfball in a tile bathroom.
Lol!
