Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

R has seriously hurt me but Im numb at this point. Trying to move on, I dont want to leave him. I dont want to give up on him like others have, Im staying. But gods sometimes it hurts me so much

Im too inconsiderate and too self centered and too annoying and too negative and too damaging and too awkward and too stupid. Not helpful enough, not good at ANYTHING. Not brave, not strong, not good enough, too rude, too inconsistent, too fake, too fat, too unhealthy, too hypocritical. Too braggy, interruptive, too wasteful and picky. I hate myself so much and I cant handle this anymore, yet I dont even believe MYSELF because Im numb. A terrible friend. Focusing on the dumb stuff and not whats important. Sick of this

@mytwistedsoul

J Im sorry. I shouldnt be doing this

@ClassicalMe Just want to let you know we still have a chair for you. I hope you're being gentle with yourself. Maybe we see you soon, no pressure though. Take care, Yeah?

@NoneTheWiser

Hey, how are you today?

Just kind of talking some things out. So no worries. I have no idea where this will go and it might not make sense.

Let's start it out like a fairy tale, yeah? Ok -

So once upon a time there was a young man, he was the son of the Red Queen and because of his name called the daughter of the Wicked King. He hated them both and nobody lived happily ever after. la dee da.

JUST A QUICK TRIGGER WARNING HERE - certain people may not want to read this

I once tried to explain what I deal with on a daily basis as - almost like a tower defense game. My head, my body is the tower, the stronghold. There are factions - 8 that I'm aware of, 4 that I know of but am not aware of. These factions fight for the stronghold. It is brutal at times, cruel in some ways. There are sometimes almost daily deaths, but not in the way you would think. It's for the most part a bloodless battle. It kills your spirit, your will - your soul. I have a Red Queen who fuels the fires and conflict between everyone. Sometimes bluntly with no mistakes other times it more subtle. A whisper, a nudge. Influence. While some of us are trying to be fair and join as a team, there are some who seem willing to do anything they can to undermine everything that the rest of us are working towards. The Red Queen likes to inflict pain, physical, mental , emotional - to her it doesn't matter. She is exactly the same as the woman who gave birth to me. She sounds like her, looks like her. She tells me I'm no good, never will be. I'm not worth the space I take up. That I was unwanted, unloved. Maybe it's true, possibly it's not. She confuses me alot. Just constantly at me - picking pieces off. It doesn't matter to her how good I am, how good I was behaved. Polite, manners - none of it. It seems the harder we tried to please her the more determined she was to destroy. To be completely honest - I should by all rights be dead. God know's over the years it has been tried enough. For what ever reason - I'm not. My lungs still breath, my heart still beats. Stubborn I guess.

There is much of my childhood I don't remember. Ok so hardly any of it. I know we had horses. I know I had a dog. But I don't know it's name. I've seen pictures here that the grandparents have and the kid in those pictures doesn't look like me. I mean I know it's the same body, but idk - it's like a doppleganger.

I don't like to be touched. I'd really like to get over that. I'd like to be able to get or give a hug to or from someone without flinching, tensing up. I've heard that real love doesn't hurt. I would really like to find that out.

I know I'm not the best person, but I also have an idea that I'm not the worst either. I know I'm the only me but I also know I'm not the only one like me. There are others who share headspace with others. I don't feel quite like the freak or monster that I used to when I first started coming in here. Granted this is right now - in this moment. That's all subject to change at the drop of a hat. I can go from full blown lay on the floor pray for death depression to a full blown panic attack in seconds. I am constantly tense - scanning, scanning - my surroundings. All this tension - makes things hurt.

I lose track of time. Sometimes it's just a few minutes, sometimes hours. Once it was for a year and a half. There are times when things are done, that I don't know how it got done. There have been times when I have harmed, but I don't remember doing it.

I get pounding headaches that make me want to rip my brain out of my head. I'm a carver of both wood and skin at times. I sometimes do dumb things, but I do them well. I have good intentions for some of the things I do. Bad intentions for other things. I am a little self destructive at times. I've never been arrested, I've never murdered anyone. I don't have any super powers. I'm neither the hero or the villian. I'm complicated yet simple. Easy to understand, yet hard fathom. (kind of think it means the same, but it sounded good) I think sometimes to the point of overthinking - which only complicates the original thought.

Ok apprently I've spewed enough - mind just went *poof*

Lol, let's post and panic.

@ClassicalMe

You have run through my head a few times today. So - I just want you to know, that you have been in my thoughts. I know that you're doing the best you can right now and no one can ask for any more. Just know that we're all here for you should you need us. Take care, yeah? Try to be gentle with your thoughts and yourself

Jacob Lee sings a song ( a few actually, sorry the snark comes free with your order)

The name of the song is Oceans. The lyric's, " I learned to grow old when I was younger,scared of staying young." I think alot of us learned to old when we were younger

Sorry I'm having thoughts. Not sure why I feel I should apologize for that. Guess maybe if it shocks or surprises you, that I have thoughts.

I see posts here and there that make me think, there's some internal discussion sometimes. Debates. There was a question of what's the worst thing you've ever heard. Now that the answers are in my head I can't let it go. And the sad thing - it's the Red Queen who said it then, it's the Red Queen that says it now.

Don't bleed on the carpet - it's new. Sorry had more typed - deleted

Pop Evil - Crime to remember

Amber Run - 5am

Matt Maeson - Put it on Me

Tom Walker - Angels