Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Wow just realized - I've been on here almost 6 months. Amazing - and to read the first original post on here. And now it's on page 5 and I have met some truely wonderful, amazing people that have touched my life in ways that I will never be able to thank them for. I honestly didn't think I'd be able to find a place here. I had basically given up trying to belong any where. JUst figured it would be me - the apartment complex in my head and the dogs. Pita cat too.
I've gotten a little better at talking about things on here. I still suffer from post and panic. I still worry about saying the wrong things. Maybe after being here a year - then maybe. Who know's?
I'm kind of re-discovering my sense of humor. Just haven't had a whole lot to joke about for a long time. Now - Idk - you have to make jokes and lighten up or you just get crushed. I still worry about goofing off in threads though. I know there is a long way to go until I'm - comfortable - with myself. Idk maybe that's not the right word. Closer to being content. (Lol! Que the sappy music) It's short lived I'm sure - (don't snort or roll your eyes) just being realistic. It's one day at a time. Today is an ok day. I can accept that and enjoy it. For now - right in this moment - That's enough. Commercial break -
BEEP - this is a test of the emergency broadcast system. If this had been an actual emergency - would you believe I know this whole thing?
I've decided we need a flying fox. Well ok we don't need one - I would really like one. Let's put it with the cows - I guess
Just so you all know - it's pretty bad when you can get lost on you're own feed.
@ThePizza I hope you have a good night Pizza. Be gentle with yourself. And your thoughts. Take care
Needed a new fire. 
Plenty of wood
Snacks 
Warning label
Idk - just saw this. Spoke to me - thought I'd share it here.
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
*takes a marshmallow and then scampers away*
@ThePizza Lol Pizza! Thought I heard someone sneaking around.
Did you have a good -ish day?
@mytwistedsoul
Lol, that
@NoneTheWiser @ThePizza
As much as I hate to - I'm gonna head to bed. Lol! Curfew
Wise One - I hope you have a safe rest of your trip - enjoy and have fun.
Ninja Pizza - don't forget to take the marshmellows out of your pocket before you put them in the wash - lol!
Both of you - be gentle wih yourselves and your thoughts Take care!
Still holding a light for you @ClassicalMe
Just need to vent. Seem to be having a few poblems today. Idk - just god - I feel like I'm a puppet sometimes. Just not fully incontrol of anything. My thoughts - just taken away. Other's that aren't my own. Even now - Idk if it's because I'm posting this or if it just - Idk. I'm fighting the urge to just throw the laptop. That's no good. And now - the only in my head is - nothing. Omg - can it get any better than that?
Everything wants to hurt today. I'm pretty sure I've gone over the tylenol limits - doesn't seem to want to help anyway. It's 75 in the house and I feel cold. Slight headache. Sort of feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. Come on in and take off your skin and rattle around in your bones. Nudge - nope not happening. I have no idea where that came from. Gotta keep correcting words because I keep typing them backwards. If you knew half of what goes on in my head - the thoughts the images - omg - certifiable. Keep your weapons on the table - wrapped in burlap. Man I love that song. Because my monsters - ARE real. Ah there it is - full blown head splitter - mmm - gotta go
@mytwistedsoul
Hey how are you?
@ThePizza Hey Pizza - I'm all right at the moment. Thank you for asking.
Sorry I missed some of your posts last night. So you had a good -ish day yesterday? How are you today?
@mytwistedsoul
Spent most of the day hiding under a blanket. But Im okay, I think. Whatever
Uncomfortable
Want to write something better than that but I cant muster up the energy
@ThePizza Uncomfortable? There's nothing wrong with hiding under a blanket. It sort of makes you feel like you're in your own little world. A blanket fort. Sealed off from everything. Down time I guess you could call it. It can be healthy for you. You might not want to make it a habit though because - well then it's unhealthy and they start to call it isolating.
You're sure you're ok? It sucks when you're depressed and you just want to withdrawl. It's ok if you want to - but don't feel you have to. And it's ok to not be able to muster the energy for anything. Sometimes you just have to do what feels good and right for you.
@mytwistedsoul
I hate being cliché but I need the world to stop for a bit. Just give me a chance to catch up. Two more days of the school year, then I get to relax… no, Im catapulted into various activities that I was previously excited about but I just dont have the energy for anymore.