Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Too much to worry about, not enough motivation to do anything about any of it
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser
Feeling pretty guilty for things Ive said on here lately. A lot of times I want to contribute to posts or want to verbally show support but I dont have the energy. I feel bad for complaining today when yesterday you had a rough day, J. I didnt say anything at all about it, just jumped to my issues. Jess, sometimes I feel like I dont acknowledge you enough either, and Im really sorry. You are both very important to me even though Im not the best at expressing that. The whole age thing, middle school graduation Im so young lol— felt very unnatural. I trust you guys and felt comfortable saying that but I feel like it sounds like Im… bragging, almost. Idk. Im sorry.
So heres the apology letter
Im sorry
@ThePizza Don't feel guilty for anything you've said here. There's nothing wrong with not being able to add anything. We all have days like that. It's not like we're picking numbers and taking turns here. If you have a bad day I want to hear about it and try to help you with it. I might not be able to add anything to it but I can at least listen. I am so glad you came in here that day asking if I wanted coping methods. You don't need to apologize - I'm glad you trust us and are comfortable enough to say what ever's on your mind.
@NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Thank you.
Really means a lot to me
Very glad to be friends with both of you
@ThePizza Same here Pizza. You really are awesome!
@ThePizza @NoneTheWiser
She even gave me one! WHich wasn't as bad as I thought it would be - lol!
@ThePizza @NoneTheWiser
Dang responsible J says it's time to try and sleep.
Pizza Sleep good - I hope you have a good second to last day of school. Be gentle with yourself.
Wise one - I hope you have a good night too - sleep good and have a good day tomorrow. Be gentle with yourself too.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe
Good morning everyone 
@ThePizza Good morning Pizza! Did you have a nice sleep?
It's always nice to see your smiling face in the morning.
@mytwistedsoul
Slept pretty well. Didn
@ThePizza That's great! It always makes the day a little better with a good nights sleep. And to not be up at 4 - that is definitely great! Lol! Made you blush!
@ThePizza good morning pizza😊 I hope your day is filled with all things wonderful!
I think I've admitted once or twice that I'm a Potterhead. I've read the books so many times I've lost track. I've watched the movies more times than I can count too. With that in mind - I really could use the Pensieve that they have. Sometimes there's just too many thoughts - ya know? Or just maybe a better way to keep track of them - because sometimes they're just all jumbled up and it makes it hard to concentrate and focus. Thoughts - songs- emotions - it just always feels like I have something that I need to study - analyze - make sense of. The thing is - it's not just my own things I have to keep track of. Sometimes they conflict and complicate each other.
As an example - I'm not in a bad mood today or a good mood - just here. I mean I don't feel bad - theres a song playing in the back ground - Sam Tinnesz - Cruel world. There's a part in it where he says - Oh can you help me , Oh can you help me out, don't know who I can trust right now. That's all it took to get choked up - all emotional. It passes quick enough. But as a test - I played it again and again - always with the same result. I'm almost positive I know who it's coming from. Anyway - it just goes to show you music isn't just to explain things - emotions and stuff - it also helps to communicate to each other. Especially if you don't or can't use your words. I always say if you want to know where I am in the moment - ask me what I'm listening to - because it can give an idea of where someone is mentally and emotionally.
Second song is - I Know Your Secrets - Liv Ash. This one makes me feel uneasy but it could be a number of reasons why. I don't listen to many female singers - just well - because.
I'm sorry - if this is confusing to anyone. If it helps - it confuses me too a lot of times. Just wanted to get this out -
@mytwistedsoul
Writing things out sometimes is a bit helpful in understanding how we feel. Take the time you need, we
@mytwistedsoul
A real Pensieve would be wonderful. It would be great to have one. I can already think of so many uses, lol
Listening to music suggested by others— I love it. To me it gives you a window to the inner workings of a person and it takes a lot of trust to show that
@mytwistedsoul
I've been meaning to read those but have never gotten around to it....
I couldn't figure out a way to come back and enter the convo, so I'll just say hi lol
I just want to say that I hope you have a fantabulous day, but even if you're just "here" today, I'm super grateful that you are!
I've been secretly sneaking and listening to every song you ever mention on your feed and on here, so, thanks for all the new music :P
I have the same problem with the thoughts that don't shut up, always have to analyze and process and make sense of everything... My therapist (oh god here I go...) Says that most intelligent people are like that. I always reply with a sarcastic "than why am I?" ...he never seems to appreciate my humor... Anyways, I digress... He says that writing everything and anything and all of it down is the every best way to process everything. I've filled up notebooks that make me look completely insane and I think, as much as I hate to say it, he's right.
Anyways, that's my ramble for the moment... I hope everyone has a fantabulous day!
...(Gets a poptart cause I have to have my daily fruit, and recluses back to the pillow fort to hide)...
@ClassicalMe Hey Wow I think I need to sit down Lol! It is so wonderful to see you!
Hey you don't need to figure out a way to come in - just well- come in lol!
Hey You're welcome - I'm always happy to share music - I do have one I haven't told anyone about though lol!
It's hard finding a therapist that can appreciate good snarky humor. Mine's not too bad with it - sometimes he even has a few snappy comeback himself.
Maybe take two poptarts - just in case. It's really great to see you Classic - seriously. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Please come back anytime. We're always here for you if you need us. Take care!
@ClassicalMe
Hey! Glad to see you here :) Feel free to pop in and out, youre always welcome here. I need some pop tarts too, lol. Cant forget that fruit!
Have a good day yourself 
@ThePizza Hey How are you this morning? Big day for you today. Just wanted to wish you a Happy Graduation!
I've things to say but no words to say them with. I've even looked through the pages of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. Not too far into it because I just don't have the patience. Idk - let's just sit here for a moment and see if I can connect with a thinking part.
I think I'm depressed. Good and depressed. Like stop the world I want to get off depressed. I'm having a hard time with wanting to isolate myself because I just feel like all I do is b*tch and whine. It's always the same thing ya know? I figure if I'm tired of hearing it so is everyone else. So I've been holding on to some things. So forgive me, because I'm about to flash everyone my soul and make myself pretty vulnerable.
I've been struggling with my self worth. I feel like I'm wasting everyones time. Kind of dealing with some I hate myself moments, because there are times I hate myself. Funny how that works. It's ok though because there are other people I hate too. No one on here of course because all of you have been wonderful. I feel bad about putting all of this out here this morning because it just feel like it's way too early in the day for this sh*t.
You know what - it is too early for this sh*t. So I think I'm gonna hold onto it for a little longer. No offense. I'll be in the fort if anyone needs me.
I hope everyone has a good day.
So lets have a word vomit. To be honest I have written 3 separate things and haven't posted any of them. Sometimes it's not so much that I don't want to . That's one thing you need to remember. Sometimes I just can't. The words are there but they won't come out. Kind of like a gag order. So I need to go around things.
First - the weather people lied. The sun is shining. Second - I haven't done anything today. Well I guess technically that's not 100% true. Sat at my desk watched Snoopy dance. Did check out a few things online that made me feel not so freakish. Thank you Wise One. I know I'm not the only one. I mean I know that. But when the Queen talks and everyone listens and everyone believes. It's hard to separate truth from fiction. And there may be things that got done because I do have time missing in little blocks. I kind of don't think it should have taken me almost 2 hours to write this. I mean I can be slow but maybe not that slow.
So snoopy can dance pretty good yeah? I'm feeling a little better- it's ok - sometimes I need to fall back and regroup. I do feel like all I do is bitch and moan. And whine - which is funny because I don't like wine. The Queen started her shit about 2am. Like she's right there - which I guess she is. Just in my head. J! J! ARE YOU GOING TO SLEEP ALL DAY? mmm...man I love the fueled anxiety. I can go from depressed to panic attack in no time. It even happens when I'm sleeping. Best alarm clock. The anxiety meds I get - a joke. I mean seriously. They don't do anything. LIke popping tictacs. I've bitched about it before.
I feel really overwhelmed a lot of days. Ok so everyday. I'm trying to get a handle on things. I really am. These emotions are driving me crazy. Too many - some are conflicting. Ok alot of them. And some of them make me feel - well - weak. I hate being all emotional.
So - um - let me get all sappy for a minute here. Thank you - all of you for tolerating me. I know I can be a little hard headed and difficult. Ok so a lot. Let's be honest. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. Kind of feel like this is deja vu. Been here done that before and again. But that's ok because I'll probably do it another time. So yeah ok.