Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
A lot can happen in 2 hours. I almost finished a turtle. lol - Kind of sounds funny. Found out I may just stick with furniture, because I'm not impressed with my turtle making skills. But we are our own worst critics and our own worst enemies. We never leave a whole lot of room for any mistakes. Not when it comes to ourselves, have you ever noticed that? Why? I mean it's not like I think I'm prefect because holy crap - I know I'm not. I can't say I have high expectations because I don't really think I have any expectations of myself. So what the drive? What's the motivation? Ah - think I figured it out. Ding! Elevator just found the top floor. Maybe it's to prove other people wrong. Maybe not - possibly - Idk. I'm gonna have to over think this. Started another project. This is a little more relaxing because it's furniture lol - I know this. I've never carved a turtle in my life. I was thinking of doing a frog and salamander or lizard to go with it but I may wait a bit.
There are times when the Queen isn't screaming in my head that I find the whole wood working thing almost soothing. The textures, the smell. She doesn't like what I do, she never has. I'm wasting my time. We've heard it for years. Still wasting you time on the bullsh*t J? How stupid are you that you don't see that this is all just a waste of time. Living up here all by yourself playing lumberjack. Should have known you wouldn't amount to anything. Look at me when I'm talking to you - mmm - think that's why I don't like to meet peoples eyes. I always saw the judgment in hers. Don't know - doesn't matter much. Needless to say - I don't think - aw busted lol! THere went the thought. I really need some ninja's to stop these thought theives.
@ThePizza Man oh man Twenty One Pilots coming up! I hope you have a blast! Got your yellow tape and camo? Welcome to Trench.
So I found these
Guess that explains turtle happy Just because lol!
Grrr.... How do you deal with anxiety and aggression at the same time? If you see something say something - yeah?
Yeah I just saw your post in one. It is the same person then. Sorry - I'm not stalking. I had noticed something a few days ago and then with what you said earlier on your thread - 2+2 yeah. That elevator - I'm telling ya.
@NoneTheWiser May we engage?
Definite Red Queen. Yes.
If you could read my mind - just - unfreaking believeable.
I need to think - think - think. Give me a minute. Pull it together. I'm torn - what's right? What's wrong? Doesn't help that the thoughts are there - just GGGRRR- so freaking frustrating.
Doubt - doubting. This isn't going to work. Just a bad idea. It's ok. Just shut your mouth. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Step up. Watch your back. Just get a grip. J*sus J just calm the F*ck down. It's no big deal. What'd you expect? It's your fault. What were you thinking?
I'm sorry - that's just some of the noise in my head today. I think anger's going to be an issue today. Maybe not - Idk.
Ok so thinking again.
I don't think I've ever done anything in my life so far that I can say I'm proud of. No - I know I've never done anything I was proud of. Not me personally. Idk - I guess I'm a coward. Hiding away from the world. Um - I'm pretty sure I've never contributed anything to society. I just kind of sit on the edge watching the world pass by. I mean I pass taxes - so that's something. Idk - what they do with that money - hopefully feed old people or something good.
The more I think about it. Idk - there wasn't anything really done wrong on my side. Was there? No don't answer that. I've read in between the lines of posts. What was done needed to be done. It was handled politely. Although I do kind of wish I knew what was edited on this side. No one said there was anything done wrong. Just that natural assumption on my side. Always waititng to get in trouble for something.
Beside's what's done is done. It can't be undone. As it was said last night - sometimes you have to speak up for others. It's all good. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Be the voice of reason. Be a puddle or the ocean. Just don't be afraid to step up, sometimes you might be the only one who can.
Ok so - yeah no worries
