Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

I need something sharp—

@ThePizza Hey M How are you this morning? No impulses? I mean it's ok if you have them - just remember to take that pause. They do come out of no where sometimes.

Just want you to know how proud I am of you for coming in yesterday and using this place as a sounding board. Or what ever you want to call it.

I hope you're still having a good time at camp. We're thinking about you! Stay awesome!

Take care- yeah? Be gentle with yourself.

Yesterday was for me what I'm going to call a red letter day. You know - red marks- kind of like what a teacher or someone would make on a test or essay or something. Red mean's bad.

Most of the night I listened to the mournful howls of a wolf who after spending most of the day raging and snarling about the injustice of everything - he finally used his voice to sound out his sadness. Even now I can hear it still. I can feel his sadness - his longing for something gone. Makes me emotional. I think that sound is one of the saddest things I have ever heard. I wish there was a way I could ease his pain. But I can't. H*ll - I'm having a hard time with my own. We have to do our own healing at our own pace.

I'm sorry - there's more to this story. But I'm not ready to share it yet. I thought I was but I'm not. I'm not quite done processing some of it. I don't know. I just need a little more time.

I'm not sure why - but I feel a little nervous posting this.

New song for the day - Shinedown - Enemies

Wow - page 8

I'm a little humbled. Just absolutely wow.

I don't know a whole lot about my child hood. There is a lot I don't remember. Bits and pieces here and there. Nothing really major. Um - so I guess it'll come as no surprise if I say that the things I'm learning now all point to the fact that my childhood truly sucked. Completely and totally. The animals were probably treated better.

I'm "given" memories from other parts of me. Most of the time it's well - sort of willingly. It's something that's done in what we call the war room. Other times they come unwillingly. Kind of out of the blue. Delivered by the Red Queen. Imagine the nastiest thing you can - have that dropped in your lap. The person that does this - looks at you and shrugs, laughs and all but skips away. Surprise!

Man - Idon't know- I just don't know. I want to put this out there get it out of my head but I just don't freaking know. So what do I do? Keep fold hold let it go. What do we do J? GOD! I don't know -

Camp was great but also very confusing. I was rooming with my friend A, who has a blunt personality. She says what she means and doesnt think too much about gently telling people things. Frankly, in my opinion shes also a hypocrite. One example:

A: (Every day, states multiple times how sore she is, how moving is difficult, how much pain shes in, how hard it is to walk and do simple tasks)

M: (On the last day, sitting down) Ow

A: (A bit brusquely) Oh, stop complaining

M: (Actually standing up for myself for once instead of being passive or self deprecating or laughing it off— I dont know why I added that much detail) I need to stop complaining?

A: Shut up

I feel like I got a lot of mixed messages from myself. A few times, I would be happily enjoying myself around her, talking about things or singing together. But oftentimes throughout the camp I felt short in patience and I couldnt stand her. It was so draining to me, and I just didnt know what to do. It was other things as well, that was just one example. (I didnt let it ruin the camp for me, though— I had an amazing time.) Im thinking I need to set boundaries, see how much Im willing to take and know when enough is enough and I need to stand up to myself. Im annoyed that I was mostly passive. The problem is— and this is true of any situation for me, not just with her— when Im assertive I dont feel assertive. I feel aggressive. Thats when I head into the realm of over-apologizing, being too forgiving, putting myself in their shoes without every coming back to my own; it all circles back to me being passive once again.

I'm having some issues with anxiety tonight. Set to vibrate. You know - the kind that feels like you going to shake something loose inside. I think I'm weary. Tired too. And my freaking head hurts. Some pretty strong urges. Made shaving interesting. My jaw hurts- because I always have my teeth clenched. This has been a very long day. Um - what else can I b*tch about. Nah - it's whining. Or both. Idk.

I think some of it's because of sleeping - AGAIN. Sometimes things can happen while you think you're sleeping. Then there's the nightmares. It really sucks when you can't even escape into sleep. Idk - You try to keep it all together - but there just seems to be so much you have to juggle. You're one step away from dropping the whole thing. It's all going to just smash when it hit the floor. Glass every where. Idk. Who's the sick freak that decided this should be my life.

It always sort of amazes me at how quickly things can change. How one thought, a picture, a scent can just make things feel like they're about to spiral out of control. How the slightest little tiny memory can just rock your world completely. Like knock you on your a$$. I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of dealing with the aftermath of someone elses F*ck ups. Tired of being the one who was always blamed. Damaged - broken - scarred - attention seeking. I never asked for any of it. I never asked to be brought into your world. All I ever wanted - ah - it doesn't matter. The simplest things I wanted was just to much for them to handle anyway. Oh yeahh - now we're p*ssed.

I'm wrecked. Just - wrecked. I don't know how else to put it. But yet I'm not. God does that even make any sense? It can't. Can it?

So let me start by saying I'm not dead. Well I was but I'm not. Maybe I should be still. Sometimes it feels that way. But other times I feel so wonderfully alive. Idk - I'm like a walking contradiction today.

I have a story to tell. I'll only say it this one time. So read this or don't. Take notes if you want - whatever.

There's a part of me that is terrified and I mean absolutely terrified of water. Doesn't matter how little or how much. Showers are ok. Baths aren't. Streams - rivers. For the longest time we never really knew why. Now we do.

Where I grew up for the most part there was a pond. A nice sized pond. A place for a rowboat. Water birds. Ducks, geese, even a pair of swans. There was a dock and a platform farther out that you could swim to. If you could swim. If - just if. At the age of 7 I could not. This was something that for what ever reason irritated my father (hate this word) He teased all the time about being a sissy and a scaredy cat.

Shouldn't have been a big deal really. Maybe someone should have taken the time to teach me. Signed me up for lessons. There are all sorts of ways to teach children something. I think it should always be done gently. Anything taught should be done gently. Most things shouldn't be forced. If a child is fearful of something forcing them isn't going to do anything good. Except reinforce that fear...

So at the age of 7- unable to swim, any dealings with this pond was to sit on the dock, indian style and feed bread that was snuck out of the house to feed the ducks and geese. Most of the ducks were white, some were black with little white bibs on their fronts. It was peaceful there. Quiet except for the noises the birds made. Peaceful because it was away from the house. You didn't have to worry about getting yelled at for anything. Out of sight of the house there was no concern of being seen by the Red Queen. It probably felt safe. Should have know better.

Geese make really good guard animals, did you know that? They can make as much noise almost as dogs if there's someone around that shouldn't be or if they feel threatened. I only learned this recently. Would have been nice if that was known back at the age of 7. So here you are sitting there feeding the ducks. The geese started making alot of noise but you just kind of figure it's because they don't think they're getting enough of the bread. And well you're 7 and it's bread so it's not like you can throw it far. A pair of hands grabs you from behind. You hear the noise of the geese, I mean they are just going crazy. A voice says in your ear - sink or swim. It all happens so quick you don't even have a chance to scream or take a deep breath. The whole time there's just these birds freaking out. Before you know it - it's wet -it's dark under the surface. The water so cold it steals what breath you have. Bounce to the surface once and sink again. Sink or swim. Just dark - dark - dark. Gone. If it wouldn't have been for the old guy in the hay field across from the pond taking a break from cutting the field. You wouldn't have stood a chance. He heard the noise the geese were making. Said he thought something wasn't right. He see's something under the surface - dives in and fishes you out. Lifeless. Does cpr that he learned at the high school one weekend and brings you back to life. All he kept saying was you're ok - thank god you're ok. I thought you were a goner boy. You shouldn't play near the water unless you know how to swim. But you weren't playing. You weren't. But no one will believe you. Because why would someone just toss you in the water and just walk away. Why? Imagine then years later. This memory comes back - it's given back. The person who threw you in and then walked away. Just walked away without a second thought. That person ... was your father. How would you feel? How should you feel?

So I need to go. I need to move - a walk - a run. Idk. Let's do something life affirming. Just maybe not swimming. Now we post and panic. Sorry this got so long.

And for good measure - a new song

The Score - Stronger