Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Just kind of wanted to reach out to everyone this morning. Just a Hey How are you?
@NoneTheWiser - You are stronger than you feel at the moment. There's things I'd like to say about your situation. But Idk - I'm worried about over stepping boundaries. Just - just know we're all here for you. Whether you're angry or sad or happy. It doesn't matter we all care for you. Stay strong. You've got this.
@ThePizza Hey M. I hope you're figuring some things out about setting some boundaries. I know it's hard to do. Because it kind of makes you feel torn. How can you be a good friend, while still setting some boundaries with them - yeah? It's hard - but in the long run it's healthier for you and in the long run it will make you an even better friend. You are so awesome.
@ClassicalMe Hey you. How are you? If you come across another invisiblity blanket let me know. Cause Idk - I kind of feel like I could use it. I hope you're trying to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts, but I also understand if your not. It's ok. We're all here for you if you need us.
As for me - well Idk. I'm having a day. But it's ok - I'm getting used to it. Thank you for hearing my story yesterday. Idk maybe I should apologize for saying it was lousy to share it with you. I know- I know good stories or unpleasant ones. Either way - Thank you. For listening to it with an open mind. For not - Idk - I didn't share it for pity. Idk. Sorry I think there's alot of Idk's in here.
I have to second what Classic said a few days ago. You all really are the best group of friends that anyone could have. I appreciate everyone of you - I doubt you'll ever really know just how much. Anyway - sorry I'm getting pretty good a writing books on here. Too much in my head. So many things I'd like to say but not enough words to say them.
All of you - Please be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts. You're all in my thoughts - my reasons for being gentle with myself today. All righty then - enough sappiness. Take care - yeah? J
Had some serious urges today. Got the tools out for it. Kind of weird - it's usually more impulsive. This was actually pretty controlled - methodical even. But I didn't. God knows I really really wanted to.
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? You've been kind of quiet. Which is ok - but I wanted to check in wth you. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you. I hope everything is ok in your part of the world.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care - yeah?
@ClassicalMe Hey How are you? Um- Lol! I just wanted to let you know - No one ever deserves to be judged. We know you're dealing with your own things, fighting your own demons. We have no expectations of you. Just be you. Good - bad- happy - sad. Up - down - all around. Lol! I almost sound like a Dr. Suess book.
I hope you don't mind that I send you posts every now and again. It's just that I Understand you're struggling. I know you get lost in the dark. I guess it's just my way of letting you know that even though you feel alone, you're never far from my thoughts. I'll sit with you in the dark. Try to remember that there's someone out here with nothing but good thoughts and hopes for you.
Ok so yeah - now we need pancakes to go with the sap.
I hope you have a decent ish - good ish - ok ish day. Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care - yeah?
Ok this ends the Dr. J pep talk. Next a message from our sponsors. Stay awesome Classic!
okay, I'll try this again ... Let's see if I can get this one posted...
Hey J, *hands you a flashlight* you may need that if you come visit me, it gets dark in here. And if you sit with me, make sure you don't sit too close, my therapist tells me I burn people.
Of course I don't mind, you really did make my day! I actually laughed and smiled, which hasn't been too easy recently. The pancakes we're a great start to the morning too! Although... I hope you don't mind, I gave the one that was licked to the hounds hahaha ;)
I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I wrote a reply then my browser refeshed and it erased and I didn't have the energy to try again.. that sounds pathetic and stupid but I'm just being honest. I'm not sure why you care, or why I'm in your thoughts, but It makes me feel better knowing someone cares.
I just don't want anyone to think I'm trying to be negative or dark and I don't want to project that on anyone or make anyone feel bad or uncomfortable, so it's easier if I stay quiet. The things that I fight with in my head tell me more reasons to be quiet too. I know that sounds crazy, but I think deep down everyone has demons they fight with. I just have so many that they don't all stay deep down.
I don't know why things are the way they are, why I am the way I am, but I'm having a hard time figuring it out i guess. My dog died (a little while ago but it's been to hard to even type), I quit my music, packed that all away, relapsed...again, my landlord wants to evict me, I've been cutting more and more recently, not looking for a job, not looking at college, fighting with thoughts and people, not being anything... And I'm just here, going through life, trying to exist as least as possible... I know I've disappointed so many people, but I don't try to...my motivations just broken at the moment and the mechanic couldn't get me an appointment... I try to make a joke and laugh so I don't cry... I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing in life. I don't know how to do anything and everything I try to do I screw up. I don't have goals or plans, I'm just nothing. And so many people aren't okay with it, but I am. Why can't I just be here and make the most of what I want to do? Why do I have to BE anything? My thoughts conflict me, my feelings get confusing, words gets hard...
I went hiking today, all day actually, and I just yelled and cried and layed under the cedar trees and thought and existed. I think I like hiking because it's metaphorical to life. We get lost, it gets dark, we hear scary noises, and there's ups and downs and hills to climb and paths to follow, but in the end we're always right back to where we started... I know that's not a good metaphor, but it's a little bit right.
Sorry for ranting, I didn't mean to. I know none of this is anyone's problem, it just makes me feel a little better to share I suppose...
Thanks for being here J, for being so unjudgemental and supportive, even though I don't deserve it, it means a lot to me. You've been one of the coolest people I've met(talked to) in a long, long time. Maybe even ever. You've inspired me when I needed it and you've helped me not to get too lost in the dark. Sometimes I forget to turn on my flashlight...
I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again because you all deserve it, you guys @mytwistedsoul , @NoneTheWiser , @ThePizza , are awesome, fantabulous, funny, smart, amazing and all together wonderful friends, and you all are the coolest group of people (I said people, so the unicorns don't get jealous) that someone could ever meet.
Okay, I added enough sap that we can have pancakes tomorrow too! That's good because I think I may have let the unicorns have the rest of the poptarts...
Stay well everyone, and I send you all the best of vibes<3
@ClassicalMe Hey you - I'm sorry. God I feel like a sh*t. I didn't see this before now. If I have one complaint about this place it's the way the notifications work.
I've never been afraid of the dark. If anything I thrive there. The dark feel like home . I'm not afraid of being burned either. So you're ok.
I'm glad to hear from you - glad you replied. Don't feel you have to though. It doesn't sound pathetic or stupid. It happens. I've had it happen to me and you're kind of left with this WTF moment and you say screw it, I can't do it again. Because some days it takes all your energy just to remember your name. To write in complete sentences and make sense is exhausting on those days. Then to socialize or reach out. It feels impossible.
I'm afraid this may turn into a book so - Idk - maybe settle in and get comfortable.
I care - I guess because I know what it's like to have no one. Where it feels as if you're the only soul. You're the only one who cares about you and when you don't even really care about you - well - there's nothing left. It leaves you wondering what the point of it all and why you should even bother. Because - well who cares anyway. So I'm sorry - You came in here that time and then a few times after that. You made me laugh - and helped me feel like maybe I belonged. So well now you may be stuck with me.
Tbh - I don't care if you are dark and/or negative. Just be you. I'll never ask anything more of you than that. Just be you. I understand all about demons. The things that live in our heads. The things that whisper to us in the dark. Almost how I imagine a lover would. Those sweet words of nothing and everything. That cut with out a mark and bleed you dry. They instill every fear - every harsh word you've ever heard. They feed on your misery - your pain. Until it's all you have left - all that exists is them. Then it's just you and them - alone in the dark.
I'm so sorry about your dog. I really am. And your music. That was your release - yeah? Your way of communicating.
You make all the jokes you want. If it's what gets you through the moment. I'm not going to say I know what you're going through. Because I don't. Your personal hell is your's. I have my own personal hell - my own demons. I do understand though. I think it was a very good metaphor. Although I think that one of our demons escapes and goes before us to set traps and lay land mines. Because they don't play fair. And they will do anything to win. They will help you up sometimes - just to knock you back down.
Your problems may not be ours but there's nothing wrong with sharing them. With ranting and venting. It helps sometimes to not hold it in and let it fester and ooze. Think of it as almost cleansing. Getting rid of a little of a sickness. A word vomit. A verbal vomit. Anytime you want. And I mean anytime.
Thank you - I know all about judgment. I know about it in ways that other people never even thought of. No one and I mean no one deserves to be judged. Not by anyone. Ever. If someone has never been where you are - they have no right to judge what you're going through - what you're feeling. I say f*ck that. And if they don't like who you and can't grasp the things that you're struggling with - if they can't understand - well then - f*ck them too. Sorry this has been a 4 letter word day.
I'll always leave a light on for you. A post - a picture. I won't be a pita about it - well I'll try not to anyway. Just something to puncture the darkness. Something to let a little light in. Just because -
Be gentle with yourself C - and your thoughts. Take care - be you - Yeah? Yeah.
Sorry - I probably should have told you to get a snack before you started reading this. I didn't realize it was going to get so long! I get short on words sometimes but long on thoughts. I'm not even sure how that works.
With thoughts of pancakes on my mind now
I thought I
@ThePizza Fighting with yourself is exhausting. Figting your thoughts and emotions takes alot of energy and doesn't leave a whole lot left for anything else.
I think you made a start all ready with coming in here and sharing your thoughts and feelings. Instead of keeping everything bottled inside. There are days when even that feels like it's too much. Or the words just don't want to come out right.
It's really hard feeling unhappy and tired. They always seem to work together. I always enjoy talking with you.
Be gentle with yourself - M - and your thoughts. We're here if you need anything.
@mytwistedsoul Good Job for making it 11 days!! Everyone in this group and probably more will always be here for you, listener or not!! I know it sounds cheesey, but it is true!
@aiko123 Hey How are you?
It doesn't sound too cheesy lol! There's alot of good people on 7cups. Um - I'm not a listener though. Thought I should tell you that. Thanks though.
Thanks for being here. For listening to what I say, and for allowing me to listen to you. I could never find the right way to say how much it means to me.
Why cant I apply the advice I give others to myself?
Why do I give up so easily when it comes to working hard at practice?
Why do I hate my life so much when Im so well-off and born into a superior position in society?
Why cant I just change the things I hate about me?
Why am I so clingy?
Why am I not only uncomfortable socializing with strangers and acquaintances, but with my closest friends?
Why do the people Im closest to piss me off so much?
Why cant I be a better friend?
Why cant I be a better person?
How will I have enough money for college and beyond with only four short years to accumulate it?
How can I stay healthy?
Who am I?
Why do I act the way I do?
Why is my first instinct to help everyone I possibly can, even when they dont want it or it just gets to be super annoying?
Why are my friends still here?
Why is R still here?
Why am I so clingy?
Why am I so clingy with R?
Why cant I just help people?
Why do I never feel like I can truly talk to some people?
Why did I not miss my family and home life while I was away?
Why did I feel immediately annoyed with my family as soon as I came home?
Why do I even have the AUDACITY to think about questioning my gender?
Why am I so stinking sensitive?
Why do I do so many things I regret?
Since when did I have the right to complain about things when so many others have it much worse than me?
What am I doing here?
Why does my pain so often feel invalidated by others?
Why does hanging out with my closest friends sometimes make me feel crappy?
Why does every little thing make me hate myself?
Why do I sit here and pretend to be okay?
How do I sit here and pretend to be okay?
How do I know that Im not just overreacting to everything?
Am I just a dumb kid?
Why is everyone so convinced that Im special and destined for greatness?
Why cant anyone see how much I struggle with little things?
Why do I post this, and bother my friends with the random hateful thoughts I have?
Why cant I take pride in what Ive achieved instead of only seeing the faults?
Why am I never satisfied?
People dont deserve to be around me. I will post this, instantly regretting it. Why dont I just delete it now? Spare you the pain of reading this? Avoid the awkwardness of reading kind replies from friends who care and think much more highly of me than I do myself? Why cant I leave well enough alone? As soon as I post this, I will lay in bed, full of regret thinking of what Ive done. What Ive burdened you with. And yet I still post, like the sick freak I am.
Please dont try. I cant bear to think of you reading this
@ThePizza Oh M - Hey it's all right. You're fine. I feel for you. You have so much on your mind. Please don't regret anything you've shared here. I accept it all with an open mind. No judgment. You really are a wonderful person - I know you may not see it or feel it but you truely are just a wonderful person and friend. I wish I had answers to all of these questions. Some of it is that you're growing up and maturing. The feelings with your family - the annoyances. I think those are normal. Feeling clingy - that's just fear - you're afraid of losing what's dear to you.
Please don't ever feel like you have to pretend to feel or be something you're not. Not in here - not with me. You be you. If your happy or sad. Lost and confused. It doesn't matter to me.
Ok so reading the last part I won't go over board and overwhelm you. But you're fine here. It's safe. I - we want to hear these things. It's better to let it out then to keep it inside and let it swamp you.
I'm sorry maybe I shouldn't have replied. But I kind of felt like I had to. I consider you a friend. So I have to - I hope you can understand that. Ok so I'll shut up now.
@ThePizza hey M, I'm not in any position to answer questions or give advice, but I want you to know that I'm glad you're here, and I'm just glad you are you. (Sorry if that sounded cheesy I meant it, really) I think it's okay to question and to change, that's the only way we grow as people, but try not to let it overwhelm you maybe, you're fantastic and you don't deserve to be put down, even by yourself! Those questions were good ones, I'm impressed by your list. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of those feels, but just remember we're all here for you... I guess that's all. Feel better and I'm sending good vibes your way for when you need them.
@ThePizza Hey M. Just wanted to see how you are.
@mytwistedsoul
Feeling more collected
@ThePizza That's good to hear. I'm glad you're feeling more collected. It's hard when we feel at such a loss with everything.
@ClassicalMe @NoneTheWiser @mytwistedsoul
Thank you.
@ThePizza You're welcome M. You doing ok this evening?
@mytwistedsoul
Not anymore but Ill get through it
@ThePizza I'm sorry to hear that. Would you like to talk about it?
@mytwistedsoul
I had a terrible practice and when I tried to talk about it with R we ended up fighting.
@ThePizza Well that's no good. I'm sorry practice was terrible. Were you maybe worried when it started? Like maybe a little anxious? The littlest things can really mess things up sometimes. I have this happen sometimes when I can't focus. It could have been an off day. I have an odd feeling none of this is coming out right. Was R maybe having a bad day too? That momentary clash of personalities.
@mytwistedsoul
It came out well. Lately Ive always been nervous before practice because I never do as well as I should. Mentally in practice Im a wreck, which messes me up physically as well. R may have had a bad day— yesterday was rough for him, I think. But I also feel like I poke him with a stick sometimes. I mean— I had a feeling I shouldnt say anything about feeling like a failed swimmer. But for some reason I chose to do that, and so hes all well what am I supposed to do about that?. And Im thinking, couldnt you have shown some sympathy? Even saying nothing and just listening would be sufficient. And this hits me hard, so ignoring the fact that I should just shake it off and move on, pretending it hadnt bothered me, I make the stupid decision to go off at him. And hes like oh so you dont want a counselor but its okau to dump your problems on me, because its totally MY job, which I guess is fair. But its not so much that I dont want one, I dont feel I need or deserve one. And thats ignoring the fact that much parents still havent scheduled anything, which I dont have much control over anyway. Is it too much to ask for some support here? Im all seriousness, it might be. I wanted something in return from all the energy Ive spent on listening and supporting him with his problems, doing my best to help. (Of course, there were plenty of times where I tried to help but he told me to stay out of it. According to R, his mom thinks Im toxic partly because she thinks my help isnt help at all.) So is it fair for me to expect anything back from him in the friendship if sometimes my support isnt technically wanted anyway? Is it fair for me to expect that from him? Perhaps he was upset about one of our other friends, who… well, hes not against R being trans or anything, but he didnt really pay attention much when R changed names and pronouns, so when R said today flat out that hes trans I guess it may have been a shock? Im just— so many mixed feelings here. Sometimes I wonder if Im too clingy and its honestly hard for me to believe R likes me at all— not that he acts like it, just— why would he?
Anyway, this turned into quite the rant. I didnt realize how much I still had to say about this.
@ThePizza Yeah that was a little harsh for him to say those things. I don't think there's anything wrong with you looking towards him for some support. Although with all the things that are going on in his life too. Sometimes it's hard to be there for other people. Because sometimes we just can't seem to see past ourselves. We talk ourselves into thinking we have nothing to offer. We push people away. It doesn't mean it's right or wrong. Any relationship should be a balance of give and take though. You can't have one person giving or taking more than the other Or the relationship is just one person pulling all the weight. It can cause some bitterness and resentment at times.
Hey rant away, it feels good to get all this out. I wish there was something more I could say. You can't blame yourself for his actions and words. You aren't a reflection of any of that. To be honest - I'm having trouble with this my self. It's really hard to see past this sort of thing.
