Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Isle of Flightless Birds by twenty one pilots
@ThePizza Beautiful song -
I will fly with no hope, no fear
Just having a really really bad day. Thoughts are taking a really dark turn. I'm sorry. Idk - I'm just tired of so much. Feeling like a failure - a disappointment. Tired of feeling. Tired of feeling sad - angry. Out of control. Ready to snap. Just - Idk - someone please put me out of my misery.
Here to listen
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. I shouldn't have pulled anyone in. I'm sorry. I made some calls - reached out to the people I needed. I feel better.
But - I must admit - I have harmed. Which is embarrassing to admit. I feel sick that I did. But better at the same time. I'm sorry. I didn't take a pause - a moment. Any thing - I gave her what she wanted.
For now she's quiet. And I can breath. For the first time I can take a deep breath. Shuddering yes - but a deep breath. But I'm tense. Because I know - I know she's there. Just waiting - lurking. She'll come at me again. She'll wear me down and wear me out. I'm the sacraficial lamb. She's the angry god. My god - my demon.
Thank you @NoneTheWiser @ThePizza
@mytwistedsoul
Whats done is done. The stretch of time between now and the last time you did it was long, which is something to be proud of. Your progress has not been erased.
@ThePizza Thank you M.
Speaking of anxiety - lol! I love the heart pounding feeling - the feel half sick - Lets just freak for a little feeling. There's nothing to be worried about - ya know? Theres a little spot I sit in that kind of tucks in. I'm covered on three side. Stone wall on sides hearth for the stove on the other, Two dog's at my feet. I'm perfectly safe. So why am I so anxious? So we go for a walk. Dogs need to go out anyway.
@mytwistedsoul
I hear ya. Anxiety is all BS.
@ClassicalMe
Hey, Classic. It was awesome to see you around the past few days— Im so sorry that I never replied. Thanks for the advice, and the nice things you said about me. I wanted you to know that I appreciate it. As for your own post— Im here, listening. I think its perfectly fine to be content with the place youre in now, who cares what others say? Of course, thats easier said than done. I really do appreciate you, Classic. In the future Ill make it a point to respond. In the meantime… gosh, was it you that had the lifesaver-menthol incident? That was a while ago, I dont remember exactly. Anyway, enjoy some pop tarts and lifesavers. Dont worry about burning anything or anyone— weve adjusted to heat, due to the lava and all.
So - I wanted to share the fact that today has been a good day - I feel - content. I'm not going to over thinking it. I'm not going to try to figure or the why's of it. I'm just going to enjoy it. Take a mental snap shot of it as a point of reference. Thank you for the idea - Wise One. I do try to listen to advice. Lol! (no snorting)
Seriously though - let me make this sappy. You all are just wonderful amazing people. I couldn't have found a better group of people if I would have created them myself. Wait - eh Nvm. Just sounds kind of weird.
I wish you all the best. In your quest for - truth - justice and whatever way you want it. In the words of Classic - hug a unicorn - kiss a rainbow. Do something with a dolphin - tickle a leprechaun. Maybe I have that backwards. Maybe there were no leprechauns.
I hope everyone has a good day but it's ok if you aren't. Well it's not really ok - that sucks but I hope you do. Um - I think I should probably shut up now.
Just know ya'll (let's southern it up) are in my thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul
💙
@mytwistedsoul
J, you really helped me out today. At practice I started to have another anxiety attack, so I used my own version of the 5-4-3-2-1 thing to stop it. I just named everything I saw. It wasnt perfect; I probably slowed down a bit, and I had to be doing it constantly. But it did work, and luckily I didnt have to do it for long. Thank you!
@ThePizza Hey M that's great! I'm so glad it helped you! It doesn't have to be perfect and sometimes you have to do just what you did and kind of improvise. Woo Hoo! Lol! That's just so cool!
You're welcome - but this was all you. I just gave you the tools - you made them work.
@ThePizza I didn't think to tell you that book of Dean Koontz I mentioned - it's a 5 part series. The first one is called The Silent corner. Just don't feel you have to read it. They're kind of thrillers. Government mind control using nanobots. Lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Wow! Sounds pretty interesting
@ThePizza
I get tired of the ups and downs. The rise we ride anxiety up until it peaks and then slide down the other side into the pit of misery. All these freaking emotions make me feel like I'm inpredictable - unreliable. Just un. Undone - unapproachable. Idk. I say that a lot. I don't know. Because I don't. I don't know a whole lot most days. I get tired of having things to say but I don't say them. I'm starting to think maybe I should have a little group of ninja's to kick some thought thieving ass.
I know the purpose of this place is to talk about things - to help heal or make you feel a little better. But I've gotta tell you sometimes I feel like a real as$hole for always bringing sh*t in here.
Today we see the therapist. Which is good but I'm not really feeling that way today. Kind of pis$es me off. I have better things to do with my time type thing. Not sure what those things are but that's what I'm feeling. Having some anger issues today it seems. I don't like feeling angry. Nothing good ever seems to come out of anger. Maybe it should be cleansing - a release. Idk - F*ck! Cool - I love 4 letter word days!
