Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@NoneTheWiser
Just because - lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Black capped chickadee right?
@ClassicalMe
Just to let you know -
@mytwistedsoul thanks J, you don't know how much I needed this right now <3
@ClassicalMe You're welcome Classic - Just want you to know there's someone out here that cares.
I kind of feel like I'm running on high octane fuel. Or trying to. Kind of getting - Idk -stuck on certain thoughts. Worrying about how many different ways I can screw this all up. Because I can - I will - I know I will. It's all just a matter of time.
Just feeding my insecurities. They get hungry too. Shredding off pieces of my soul. I spend alot of time thinking about souls. I guess - Idk - maybe it's because I feel mine is so stained - so twisted- so warped.
Worry about hurting people - with words - comments. Some times it seems like I say things with out thinking. It's not really the case. I give everything alot of thought - it's my explanations that come out wrong. Everything always sounds way better in my head. Or - Idk - maybe I just think it does.
Everything just seems so out of control sometimes. And the harder I try - the more control I lose. But at the same time I feel a llittle better than I did before. I'm not sure how that works. Idk - It's not like I start my day thinking how can I screw this up. Well maybe I do. Idk. I have really good intentions - not that it matter's - because isn't there a saying about how the road to hell is paved with good intentions? Does it really matter anyway? Because I don't really buy into the whole heaven and hell thing.
I know I've been having alot of issues with my emotions. They come in waves and they Idk - they're all just so screwed up. Complicated - complex. Idk - some days the hardest question to answer is How are you? Because it changes - sometimes from one minute to the next. That's another hard to explain thing. Idk - I'm gonna over think this. I think maybe I all ready have. Lol! Let me over think - my over thinking. Talk about talent.
@ThePizza - Just checking in with you M. Wondering how things are in your world.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. I've been doing okay; yesterday was a bit stressful, as I had a small swim meet, but I did alright. Thanks for checking in.
@NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe
To everyone- I'm going to camp today. We can't have electronics so I'll see you in a week on Saturday. Take care everyone, I'll be thinking of you all.
@ThePizza Hey M - I know you're unplugged this week - so this is just for my peace of mind. I hope you have a great time at camp! We'll see you when you get back.
F*cking flying monkeys. What next? Locusts? Frogs? The freaking plague? These people need to leave me the f*ck alone. So tired of this sh*t!
I really think I can honestly say I hate my family. Not just one here and there but the whole lot of them. I hate how they can stir up so much inside. Yes lets fuel the anger - the rage. They make me question so much. Everything. Myself - the memories. Makes me wonder if it is all just me. God - how do you - Idk - what true? What's false? Their truth's don't match what I feel are my truths. I hate that they make me doubt myself - I don't need any help for that. Oh - we're just concerned about you. You've pretty much cut the whole family off. Why do you have to be this way? You always were a troublemaker. Looking for attention.
Now let's go report to the Red Queen. I mean - do they really think I'm that stupid that I don't know? Well - yeah - they probably do. And all they did was stir up the inner Red Queen. Thanks. I hear enough of her sh*t. I'm just so tired of people rattling my cage. Can we just not do this? I don't go to their ouses and start crap. I have no desire. I simply don't care what they're doing or how they are. Maybe that sounds cold - but I have nothing for them. Somedays I hardly have enough for myself.
What I'm working on now -
Do you ever wonder if you're holding someone back? Well not really holding them back just - Idk. You talk with them and you're trying to help but yet - what if Instead of helping you're reinforcing what they're doing. Making it so they don't want to make a change or get better. Idk - something else to over think.
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I just don't feel like I'm in a good place right now. Too many conflicting feelings and thoughts. They're all sort of blurred together. I've gone from deeply depressed - to over anxious - to angry - then something makes me laugh. Or cry. Sit with you head in your hands - to can't sit still - pacing. Jittery to can't move. What's the problem? Over thinking to the blank slate. Is this the game plan? Just make me lose my sh*t. Make it so I can't function? Make it so I don't care? Why not make me just feel normal - that I wouldn't know what to do with.
I'm trying to focus on the good things - butterflies - Winnie the pooh. Those good mental snap shots. But Pooh bear's out there with bug spray. It feel's like an invasion. If you want this body - just f*cking take it. It hurts today anyway.