Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I'm not a big fan of mirrors. They make me nervous. I guess - Idk - I'm afraid of what I'll see. Afraid to meet the eye of the reflection. I guess maybe some it's fear - some guilt - some shame. Maybe even some disappointment.
I'm trying to clear my head. I thought it was getting better but it only went so far. Just kind of lingering. That another cool word. Linger. It can sound so menacing. Like lurk. I'm not sure where I was going with this.
Keep getting my thoughts stolen. I hate that. Actually TBH - I f*cking hate everything about this situation. It's hard to keep a gentle internal dialog when all you want to do is choke the sh*t out of someone. I know - I know - way too harsh J.
I kind of think maybe I'm a little shut down. Just - nothing. Maybe not - Idk. There's still that underlying anxiety. It spikes and lowers. Idk - might be a night to throw raquetballs into the ceiling fans. Maybe not. I feel tired. Until I go to bed. It's like there's a level in my head that flips a switch when I lay down. So don't lay down - right?
You know you have to be looking kind of rough when your therapist says - you're looking kind of rough. Eat - sleep. Basic - simple. Should be.
There's some anger (ok maybe more than some) - resentment lingering. We've kind of been given a little ultimatum. By Doc Z. With the sleep especially. At least this time there wasn't anyone really lying about anything and saying things are fine. I hate when that happens. But because of this ultimatum there's some pouting going on. Some are pissed ( that shrink can go f*ck himself) - some are worried ( really don't want to see this happen - they can't make us can they?). Some could care less.(Sometimes you 've gotta do what you've gotta do) Some would like to push the issue to see if he'll do it. But none of us like being stuck away inside - any where. So - let's get our sh*t together. Yeah? Let me see your war face.
There is no I in Team but there is an I in Meat Pie. (Shaun of the Dead)
So it is what it is.
New song - Tunnels - Nothing More.
@ClassicalMe Hey you - How are you? All tucked under your invisibility blanket. Sneaking pop tarts - hanging with the unicorns. Just kind of checking in - a hey from J.
Idk - C - It's been rough - yeah? Just the past few weeks. Something in the air or we're drinking too much of the koolaid.
Anyway - nothing long - just - Idk - wanted you to know - we're thinking about you. Thinking good thoughts for you -keeping your seat warm.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul Hey, sorry for the late reply... I'm here I guess, thanks for asking.
I've been reading your posts, lurking around, you're having a rough time recently too it sounds. It must be the kool-aid, but for some reason I just keep drinking the damn stuff.
Lots of crap been going on in my world. At a mandatory inpatient center right now (8 more days of judgement and hell before I go home) therapy and groups and the works. I get tired of it all. I tell them I'm exhausted and they make me use more emotional energy than I was before by going to all this crap. I don't like the therapist, I'm just a job that she wants to label and get done with as fast as possible. It's weird but she's also super attractive and for some reason that makes me feel intimidated... Everyone says "I understand" but no one does or even wants to, I don't blame them. I feel like when I am around other people I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. They touch me too much, pats on the back and all, I hate that, but I know you get it, I don't have to explain. Still looking for some purpose but not really eager to find any, if that makes sense. Haven't been sleeping well, nightmares keep coming back, as if my existing wasn't a nightmare enough. Eating hasn't been easy either, even Poptarts... I just don't see the point. New medications so I can pretend easier... I guess that's all... Change isn't easy, but it's even harder when you don't know what outcome you want or how to get there. I'm just fumbling through life reacting to the stimulus around me... but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I can't vape here, it makes me even more anxious. I have roommates... I hate being around people. I don't even think the unicorns want to be around me much right now... The worst part? I don't even care that everything is falling down around me and I'm laying on the floor of a burning house and I'm like, "I'm so cool I can't even get burned" (because I tend to make the worst jokes in bad situations) ... Yep, I'm pretty much fucked. Thankful for my invisibility blanket or I'm not sure how I could get through some of these days. People have these big great and glorious goals for me, and I just want to lay on the floor and binge watch stranger things... Anything to make my head shut up. So much going on, a lifetime of thoughts and feelings, memories and nightmares, goals and aspirations, failure and apathy, stimulus and people... I just wish it would all stop for a minute. Just let me exist without anything for one second.
Sorry for all that, I didn't mean it to be so long and dark *sigh* I feel like I have to apologize for everything at the moment.
Hey, I know this is old and off topic (which your probably thankful for after hearing me rant...) but you mentioned Dean Koontz?! Do you like his books?! He is one of my absolute favorite authors! I love how he integrates dogs into almost all his books and he has such a way of describing a situation in depth without making you bored. He gets a bit dark and creepy but, well, I'm dark and creepy most of the time so it works. Anyway, I didn't read the whole conversation, but I just got excited when I saw you mentioned him. I've been reading this book called saving fish from drowning, it's about a Buddhist that gets killed by a Satanic cult right before taking her closest friends on a spiritual journey through the mountains, and she watches over them in the "after life" as they take the journey with a new guide, and a bunch of crap keeps happening to them. I'm not a Buddhist, but It's interesting though, to hear her thoughts on life and death.
I guess that's all for now. Thanks for thinking about me and keeping my seat warm, I'm always around, I'm just invisible most of the time. You're always in my thoughts, one of the few good ones that make me smile.
Have you been working on anything recently? Maybe not a great idea if you're not feeling the best mentally or emotionally, but I love hearing about the stuff you work on when you do.
I'm glad you're here, that sounds cheesy but... Well, cheese isn't the worse thing in the world haha Stay awesome J, and I'm sending any good vibes I can find your way. Until next time...
-CM
I never think it's as long as it is until I post it... Sorry again
@ClassicalMe Hey - I've gotta be honest. My head is just jam packed with a whole lot of crap so we may bounce around a bit.
None of this will probably come out right either - lol - you know me. So I hope I don't p*ss you off either.
It definitely sounds like there's a whole lot going on in your world. Like over whelming amounts of BS. I know what you mean about people saying they understand. It's frustrating because - How can they? I mean - they aren't you - even if they have gone through something similar. It may be sort of the same but it's not - not really. And the therapists they have in there - I hate to say it but I think most of them have become so robotic in what they're doing. They don't feel any compassion for the people under their care. I could be wrong - and I know that sounds judgmental. But it's like they ask you how you feel and then when you open your mouth - they tell you you're wrong. So don't ask me any questions if you all ready know the answers.
I'm torn - I guess. Here's where I may piss you off. I'm glad you're in a safe place. But with that said - I know how it can sometimes does more damage then good. The forced physical contact - the invasion of your personal space. The group therapies - the opening up to every freaking person there. All the eye's on you. The questions - the answers. Idk - you're right - when you're around people like that you can't be yourself. You have to be what they want. Especially in there. Because they watch everything. Idk - some of us aren't meant to conform. We can't be untrue to ourselves. It just feels so wrong.
It really makes me think though too. Because this is kind of in my future if I can't get a grip on a few things. I've been there before. I'd like to say - a good time was had by all - but I'd be lying. IT SUCKED on so many levels. I like routine - I like having a schedule. But it has to be mine. Not someone elses.
You are so right- It's hard to make changes when you have no idea what they're for in the first place. Idk - sometime I think - things lol. Sorry - my train of thought derailed. Let me gather up the casulties. Huh - no survivors. Moving on !
I'm sorry you're having nightmares. I - man do I know how bad they suck. It like sleep should be the one place you can escape to. A safer way to deal with the BS. But what if you can't even have that? Sleep has always sucked for me. I crave it at times but it scares the sh*t out of me too. Because there's things lurking in there - Demons - monsters. Some of the worst are in human form.
Ah - to lay on the floor and just stay. Maybe not forever - just long enough to regroup - get a sense of direction. Something other than go - go. FInd yourself - make something of yourself. Who are you - who do you want to be? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? It all depends - maybe when I win the lottery. Maybe when I feel like it. Idk - I get the fumbling around. There are days when I think my head is so far up my a$$ I should probably have a wetsuit and a mining helmet. I just don't have a freaking clue. Just winging it.
I've gotta be honest - I always liked your sense of humor - the snarky darkness - make me laugh. I try to keep it in check because not alot of people can appreciate it. The worlds burning down around you and you've gt marshmellows and sparklers.
I know it's not much - I mean - you're there and we're where we are but we're also Here for you. If you need anything. A laugh - a b*tch session - Or just to sit quietly. Although - I'll probably still say some weird random things. Just because.
So Dean Koontz huh? He's one of my favorites too. I think I've read all of his books. I just finished the last of his Jane Hawk series. Yeah it is really great that he always adds dogs to it some how. I hate to say it but I've always prefered his stuff to King's. My favorite of his is Tick Tock. Really good spooky book. But the Darkest Part of The Evening was good too. I haven't heard of the one you're reading but I wrote it down I'll have to check it out. Pizza suggested a series by Rick Riordan. Kind of sci fi/fantasy. They're actually pretty good. I read the first one in like 4 days. Which is saying something. Because lately - It takes weeks to read things. Which pisses me off too because books are a good escape too - like sleep.
I am actually working on so many things right now. It's crazy - too many idea's not enough hours or hands. The biggest is a desk. Which is getting really nice. I have a few little -just for - things I've been working on. I hoped to have them done by now but that doesn't always go as planned. As soon as they're done I'll post some pictures because - well - just because lol! All will be explained grasshopper - when they're done.
Thank god! Finally some cheese! I always have the whine but never the cheese! But we're still cracka lackin. Idk - I don't think cheese would taste good on poptarts.
You stay awesome too C. It was really great to see you pop in here. Um - Try to take care - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself - and your thoughts. I'll leave a light on.
J
@ThePizza Hey Welcome back M! I hope you had a good time!
Today - was - a day. Yep - truely it was. Emotions were a bit of an issue today. Found myself getting angry over things. It's amazing - the village leveling rage. The soul crushing sadness and the High strung chihuahua anxiety. I think there were other ones in the but I had no idea what to do with those. So go with what you know.
Tbh - some of the day is missing. Just poof - gone.
I know things hurt tonight. Headache first - everything else because it can.
Idk - anxiety's really kicking up tonight. Just caught myself - trying to control my breathing you know?
I deserve to heal - sorry - reading threads - makes me think. Idk - I mean I do - sort of. Maybe a few yay's and a couple of nay's. Idk - Maybe that's my calling - I'll write a book and calling Idk. It will be the most confusing thing anyone could read.
Thought maybe I could get some sh*t out of my head - guess not.
Just kind of a ramble - empty the junk mail bin.
Did you ever think about trying to spend the day as a normal contributing member of society? Yeah - me neither. I don't know what normal is any way - if I ever even did. I would imagine it's not talking to people in your head.
It's been a rainy - stormy morning. The woods are dark - almost ominous. I kind of like it. Idk - it's how I kind of feel inside. Dark - stormy . Probably not too ominous - Although it does go with the whole feeling like a monster thing. I don't know why I get that stuck in my head. Well ok - I do. It's almost been a constant in my head the past few days. That - you know J - you're no good - a failure - a freak - a monster. Should have been put down like a mad dog. Drowned like an unwanted litter. It's not right - and I sort of know I'm not but- yet the words are like acid - just eating away. Just eroding my soul.
This freaking anxiety has my guts tied in knots. I kind of feel like I'm steps away from a total freak out. Just need a few more cranks. It's got me trying to be extra careful with my words - because it just seems like everything has a double meaning to it. Kind of makes me feel like I should have an inner lawyer or something. Idk.
So I need to find something to do to keep my hands and head out of trouble.
@mytwistedsoul
Sitting here with you.
@ThePizza Hey M - had a good time at camp? And off to another one for 3 weeks? Holy cow! I'm glad your having fun. Thank you for sitting With me. It's been - Idk - Just crazy I guess.
So I read that first book - Percy Jackson and the Lightning Theives. I have to say - Thank you! I really enjoyed reading it. As soon as I finish a book I had on hold at the library I want to read the second one. Man I love my Kindle - Lol!. I get books and don't have to leave the house. Win - win.
Be gentle with yourself.
So you tuck it away - for a little right? Just push it down - don't rise - you'll only fall. Ignore it and walk away. How do you walk away from what's inside your head? Like a freaking parasite - a leech just sucking everything out. You wanna talk about it -Too bad! I've stolen your voice. Your words - gone . Thoughts - those too. Time missing? Yeah maybe I took it - maybe not. Happiness - gone you dumbass. Your life? No man I don't want that - I just want to watch it fall apart. I am going to make you question and doubt every freaking thing you do. Poor J.
Your f*cking grating sing song drive me insane voice in my head - saying my name. You feeding on my insecurities. I hope you choke. Be nice- why's everyone always tell me to be nice. Why not you? You start this sh*t. Every freaking time. Oh look things are going too smoothly - let me see just how bad I can F*ck it all up for everyone. You just might want to watch your back - yeah? Your time's coming -you insufferable b*tch. Yeah - we'll just have to see won't we? You think you know it all - you don't know sh*t. You certainly don't know me. You never did - I'm not some weak child any more. I'm bigger - stronger - better than you'll ever be. In the end we'll see who stands alone. Crazy - yeah maybe I am. Probably. It's ok though. I can probably work with that.
Just ignore this - having a moment - needed to vent. Have a rant - let off some steam - release the Kraken type thing.
@mytwistedsoul Dang J - sorry folks - that was maybe harsh. Idk - See now - here's where you should be able to delete your own crap.
So uhhh- kind of having a freak the f*ck out moment. Brought it on myself - god I can be an idiot. Not sure why I did what I did. Brave moment - stupid moment. Borrowed a page from someone elses book. Way to go J! Idk - Sorry - I'm gonna go hide. I got a rock here some where. Yep it's all good.
@mytwistedsoul
Hope that rock has been comfortable, at least. How are you now?
@ThePizza Hey M - it was pretty comfortable actually! I'm doing ok - still feeling a little anxious but what's new - yeah?
So how are you? How's camp? I hope you're having a great time.
Be gentle with yourself - take care - yeah?
Just some thoughts - WTF is wrong with some people? I mean come on - people come in here looking for some understanding and some compassion and there's always got to be that one a$$hole who has to stir shit up. Before you know it the person that wrote the original post is reaching out to the a$$hole to make them feel better. You shouldn't have to justify yourself - your feelings or your problems to someone who doesn't deserve an explanation. Let's not single people out and make them feel worse. Geez!
So lol - just had an image of little bunny foo foo. Scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head. Guess that's how I kind of feel I'd like to do to the a$$holes.
Ok - back to the regularly scheduled programming.