Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@ThePizza Hey so - um I wanted to share these with you - from when I went camping yeah? Wise said you came to mind when she saw them.
https://imgur.com/a/2CPNmyY
@mytwistedsoul
I really loved looking at those. Awesome
@ThePizza Hey M How are you?
Lol! Cool I'm glad you liked them. I have to honest - it was Wise's idea to share them because you're camping.
@ClassicalMe @ThePizza
In case you're bored and have nothing better to do.
https://imgur.com/a/O6GaAHH
Don't feel as though you have to though
@mytwistedsoul
J, I loved all your work! It was so cool to see some of them progress. The castles, sorry I dont remember if you had a name for them, were so cool! The glass was so creative. The boxes with the dragonflies, the tables, shelves, the little tree within the stump… Im blown away. Beer and cookies, lol!
So the last picture— hi J! So awesome you could do that!
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you? What fun things are you doing at camp? If you don't mind my asking of course.
Thank you - I'm glad you liked them. Means a lot to have you say that.
So - LOL - Hi! Thanks - I'm still a little surprised I did it myself. I'm not really sure why I did but hey - what ever right? I mean I got to hear you and Wise sing. That to me was pretty amazing.
Have a good day! Take care of yourself - yeah? Have any s'mores yet? Lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Hey! Im doing— alright, I guess. I dont mind you asking :) Im in an creative writing class. Maybe some day Ill share some stories on here. The class is super fun. Its a college-level course apparently but it hasnt been too bad (though thats probably because its not directly math or science or language arts or social studies). Being up in the mountains is really nice, even though Im still on a college campus.
Im glad youre glad— does that sound weird? Anyway, I really did like them. I keep scrolling through, because theyre so cool.
Lol! :) Thank you! I wasnt too confident in the singing but, Im glad you liked it.
No smores yet, but I have a while to go. It could happen. Mentally, I think, Im sometimes doing better? I still have moments though. One of these days Im planning to use my ninja skills to take a little trip to the mountains. Ive only seen them from a distance, but they looked so cool. One of these days Ill take a photo. Hopefully the fog comes back because it looked amazing.
Someone had a sticker on their water bottle that said Hydrate or Diedrate. Lol!
@ThePizza Oh wow M - that's cool. I bet you write great stories. And I agree - it's way better than math or science or social studies or language arts. Well some social studies still is ok.
It's good to hear that you're doing better mentally. Even if it is only sometimes. Sometimes is better than no times. It's kind of nice to get a break and get away from the normal daily pressures. It's ok to have those bad moments though too. Maybe try not to focus too much on those moments and Idk - take a deep breath and just look around at the beauty of nature. The peace of it. Allow it to ground you.
You come to mind now anytime I hear something by TOP.
I hope you get to ninja around the mountains. Just be careful of course!
Lol! The hydrate or diedrate is going to be stuck in my head. That is funny! The way the heat has been lately - it wouldn't take much to diedrate out there.
With that in mind make sure when you go into the mountains to take some water and maybe a snack or two. Because - well - you never know.
Stay cool M - remember - you are awesome!
9:38 I'm not really sure what i'm doing here. Idk - I'm kind of in some bad head space. Kind of an Identity crisis - I guess. Kind of - maybe questioning my existence. Wondering if I'm A figment of my imagination - or maybe someone else imagination. Can't seem to get my thoughts together tonight. Yet I'm freaking emotional and of course Anxiety. God - I'm so tired of all this bs.
I was going to put this in on my feed but I'm afraid it may get too long. So -
On my mind - Rain - it's a wet stormy morning. Sort of nice - the power and force of the rain. Kind of a cleansing. But yet - Idk - an underlying sadness. As though the skies weep at the loss of the sun. Sorry feeling a little - Idk - deep.
I still feel some doubt at my existence. It's hard to explain. I mean - I know I'm real but idk - could there be some truth to it? Maybe I'm not me. That doesn't make any sense either.
Still a little emotional - Doesn't seem to take much sometimes to set off the crying jags - for lack of better words. A thought - a song - the words of others. Even just thinking about it set it off - sometimes. I find it a little annoying - irritating. Vulnerable. Weak.
Toxic masculinity - Sometimes I feel toxic. Or at least a part of me is - maybe more than one part. I see posts on here about how some people feel about guys. I'd say men but I don't always feel like a man - More like a child playing at it. Idk - I'd like to tell these people - ya know? We're not all like that. I would never raise my hand out of anger. At least not to someone else. To myself - I am my own worst enemy. Always have been - probably always will be. Maybe.
And sometimes women can be toxic too. Just as cruel - just as viscious. I learned that at the knee of the Red Queen. Believe me she was an excellent teacher. I'm just now beginning to understand this. Idk - we're all made up of darkness and light. Good and bad. But deep down I believe that we decide. Nature over nurture. Maybe - Idk. I guess the jury is still out on that. I do apologize though - if that comment offends anyone. It's just my opinion - my thoughts.
I still worry about wasting people's time. Time is precious. I feel - worry - Idk - time spent with me is time that could be spent doing other - more important things.
Had a hell of a headache yesterday - some missing time. Took some pain meds for it - which I hate taking - because it always makes me sick. Even if I do eat before I take it. Then when it hits it makes me feel a little dopier then usual - if you can believe that. The day after is Idk - just as bad - almost like the headache.
Posted a link to show some of what I do when I'm not having a melt down. Lol - let everyone have a glimpse at J - Kind of freaked myself out at the boldness of it. Because I normally don't do things like that.
So - another flash of my soul. It's a little wrinkled - a little torn. But hey - I guess this is me.
Kind of think I may have reached the end of my thoughts. At least for the moment.
Good god I wrote a book. Bargain bin. Lol 2 for 1. 50% off. Put it on your shelf - unread to gather dust. God what a tool!
@ClassicalMe Hey you - How are you? Just wanted to check in say hey. Let you know I'm thinking about you. Saw poptarts - ya know? Made me wonder what you favorite ones are. Lol! I always kind of prefered the chocolate fudge ones. But the strawberry ones are pretty good too. I'm not sure why I'm talking about poptarts.
Take care Classic - Be gentle with yourself.
We need some ceiling fans and some raquetballs in here. This is the second time writting this post because like a freaking idiot I hit the wrong freaking button. ( so long string of colorful words)
I'm tired - ya know? I think I've come to hate Fridays. I'm tired of just not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't think I reach the height requirements for this emotional roller coaster. I sometimes just don't think I was cut out for this life. I like things simple and this is anything but. I'm the demented ringmaster of this twisted circus and my monkey's are running wild. Possibly rabid.
I know I make jokes - but god - you have to you know? Because if you don't - what's left? I mean seriously. If you don't use the snark you have it sits inside and rots. I don't want to be bitter when I get older. Hell I don't want to be bitter now. Actually - I don't want to be bitter period. It has to get better right? I mean eventually it has to. 1step forward 2 steps back - it's still progress. But I feel like I'm trying to go up the down escalator. My luck my shoe strings probably caught.
@ThePizza Hey M - Just wanted to say hey - hoping you're still having fun at camp.
Be gentle with yourself
The last few days have been what I'm going to call red letter day. She never misses a chance to add to whatever is going wrong. I don't want to say the name - ya know?
Got some serious anxiety going on. Hives again. Couple panic attacks . Caught one in time to stop it. Not so lucky with the other ones. But that's ok - because I feel depressed too - so I don't care. Haven't been sleeping too good. Too many thoughts. A lot of pacing. Or rocking back and worth - self soothing I guess. Idk. A lot of time spent looking at my hands. Or just look out the window and disconnect.
Few new bruises - no idea how they got there.
Still freaking emotional. God - I hate freaking crying. Makes me feel so weak - a wuss. Sissy. Ggrrr. Suck it up J.
Kind of feel like I'm losing my mind some days - but it's in such small pieces you don't notice right away. Guess you can't lose what you never really had.
@ThePizza Saw this M - made me think of you.
Talk about a cool duck!
@ClassicalMe
Thinking about you Classic
