Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@NoneTheWiser
Ninja's are cool
I have vague memories of posts I never responded to, that were lost in the order of the new posts. Im sorry that I never responded to some.
Ive been really upset with myself lately. Class is fun, I love my residence group, and people I wanted to be friends with but was too shy to talk to actually started talking to me first. I could actually be good friends with them. But I feel nauseated on and off, and my diet has been really weird. Im tired. I miss my friends but not my family, which I feel really guilty about. R is in Belarus, which is six hours ahead so we barely get to talk. Im stressing about missing so much swimming and yet it feels wonderful not going to practice. But Im probably getting so out of shape too because I dont have as much exercise as normal. I cant accept that my problems are valid. So Ive been hiding on here. I feel detached from myself. I dont know much about depersonalization and derealization— or whatever they are— but maybe Im feeling that? I guess this is depression. Idk. Another thing that zuccs (sucks) up my energy (ask me about that later, its really bizarre and I want to explain when I feel better) is that people keep talking to me and I go into this mode of I need to pretend to be in a great mood and reply with great enthusiasm because I owe it to them. Others first right? Im not sure where this is going. Guess I thought it was time to reach out, idk.
Im feeling emotions but at the same time Im not. I really dont understand how that can happen.
Ill need that chocolate sauce
@ThePizza Hey M - it's ok to miss posts. I do it all the time.
I'm glad to hear you're enjoing your class and making new friends. That's gotta feel kind of conflicting for you. Making new friends but missing your other friends. Same with the swimming. Not having to go to practice feels liberating but goes against what you're used to.
You're allowed to feel confused and torn. Things are changing. It's scary and confusing. But it's ok. When you feel disconnected - do you try to ground yourself? I know it can be hard sometimes. Maybe when you feel like that come in and touch base with one of us.
It's hard to admit to people you're not feeling too great - it makes us feel like maybe we're not living up to their expectations. It makes us feel vunerable. You did great coming here and talking about everything. I'm proud of you!
I don't want to make this too long because I know it can be hard to concentrate when you feel like this. We're here for you M.
Try to be gentle with yourself - you're in our thoughts.
I need - lol - I need a lot of things. A verbal vomit. May bounce around - so maybe wear a seatbelt - yeah?
I worry sometimes that I do more harm than good. Making things my business when I shouldn't. Overstepping boundaries instead of respecting them. Doesn't really matter what my intentions are if the results are bad. So I want to apologize to anyone and everyone if I did you wrong. I truly am sorry.
There's been some problems on here with one person in particular. Can't give you a name because it's been changed so many times. This person tagged a bunch of people with the same post on different threads like 2 dozen times. P*ssed me off at first - reading this post. It felt like an attack on everyone on the tag list. Later after seeing the 2 dozen times - it kind of freaked me out. Shot my anxiety up like crazy. I'm not sure why we were singled out. But I took it as an attack. Brought out a more agressive part and we replied. Unfortunately - the powers that be here decided all posts and any replies to this person should be deleted. This upsets me a little because I'm not really sure what all was said. I can understand why these powers felt they should delete it because - as I said it seemed like an attack. But at the same time - Idk - I feel bad for this person. The obviously felt they weren't being heard. Granted the way they themselves handled thing wasn't the best way. But that's just my opinion. And when it all comes down - isn't that pretty much how everything on here is? Just a matter of opinion? Our opinions on how we see ourselves - the opinion of others on how we should handle things? Idk - Guess done is done. We should let sleeping dogs lie. It would just be nice if maybe we were kept informed on more things that we're involved in. It just makes me question certain things and parts about myself. Which sucks when trust is such a shaky thing to begin with.
Idk - I over think everything. Post something I'm thinking - feeling. Post something I'm working on. Pictures - comments concerns. God the list goes on and on. Just one of those days - I guess where nothing I do feels right - nothing I feel - feels right. Idk - Starting to feel a little over emotional. So maybe we'll just drop it here.
Idk - I'm sorry - I'm sorry I can't do more for anyone. I'm sorry I can be more. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. I never meant to - ya know?
@mytwistedsoul
Hello my wonderful @mytwistedsoul. You have every right to feel the way that you do! I don't think you have done anything wrong or anything harmful to anyone. Yes, what happened yesterday would be anxiety producing. I am so sorry that this happened to you! Perhaps this was someone that was anxiety producing in other responses to various member posts, and it's never fun to feel that way! That isn't what 7 cups is about. They want this to be a soft spot for you to land! We all have certain behavioral expectations here on this site, and it truly is to protect and help all of us! We should all feel free here, to interact with one another in the forums, share information, have a sense of community and togetherness, give and receive help! I for one, did have the benefit of reading your response. I thought it to be well thought out, well written, brilliant in fact! I imagine the powers that be, did think it best to remove all of the things that you noticed. Some days things need to be done, and it is for the common good, the health, safety and well being of each and everyone of us! Everyone deserves to be here, but abuse of one another, is not to be tolerated. This is not what 7cups stands for! This would be counter intuitive to the reason for the inception of 7 cups! Again, I thought your response was just fine and in fact warranted. I imagine it can be frustrating to see your response go away, but I don't think it was because of you, at all. It wasn't an effort to remove your feelings or your voice! If you want to go to our "browse listeners" page, feel free to. I imagine the experience has been upsetting. Hopefully you can review their bio's/profiles and talk about what happened with someone that you would feel comfortable with. *hugs* to you!
@PhoenixArisen Hey How are you?
I wanted to thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I really do appreciate you reaching out and explaining things.
Tbh - I'm not sure what to say. I've given this hours of thought - lol - literally. I understand why they had to delete the posts - I only hope that it's also understood why some of us had to reply. Idk - maybe we shouldn't have.
I have nothing but respect for the 7cups site - for the people here - for you and all you do. I have seen some of your posts trying to reach the same person. Idk - maybe it was just a lesson in futility.
I must admit it was frustrating - I'm still a little frustrated. But I do respect the rules and concern for the other members. And while I know it wasn't an effort to remove my feelings or my voice - the thoughts still remain - ya know?
Thank you again Phoenix. I really do appreciate the time you took to reach out.
Be gentle with yourself. Take care
@mytwistedsoul
I'm doing pretty well today! I'm glad I was able to help in some way! I think the last post from the other party had many people tagged in it and I was extremely concerned for every ones feelings that were tagged in it as well as extremely concerned for the feelings of others in past posts. I have even been concerned for people that had to read it that weren't tagged at all. It was unkind and uncalled for in my humble opinion. Again, I saw nothing wrong with your response. It was warranted if you ask me and you my friend, have done nothing wrong! The powers that be, I imagine, decided things had gone far enough and decided to just "scrub" it all. The fact that you responded to the unkind post, was merely a coincidence when everything was removed, just an issue of timing, every trace and in one fell swoop and in no way should it be a reflection on you or your words. I believe it was truly a response to the other party's behavior, not yours, not mine, not anyone elses.
7 Cups tries so very hard to be the land of second chances. They believe that everyone deserves to be here, everyone makes mistakes from time to time. They want this place to be a welcoming, inclusive and supportive environment. I'm guessing yesterday, was a difficult decision for them, but they decided it had to be done, for the common good, for the health, safety and wellbeing of all of us. For that, I am grateful!
You have a right to be here and enjoy the forums and enjoy everything that 7 cups has to offer!
I understand you are still upset right now, and trust, I can see exactly why! I can understand why that one was a hard one "to shake off" or to "walk off". Words have meaning. Words do hurt! And it's awful when other people do not choose wisely!
I'm not sure if it is any consolation at all, but the way that I look at that particular situation is that it really wasn't about me. It wasn't about you either. It wasn't about 7 cups or other people tagged or the hurtful words said to others in past forum posts. Nope, it wasn't about those people either. The whole time, it was only about THEM.
Big *hugs* to you today, and everyday! You just keep being terrific and enjoy 7 cups to it's fullest potential!
Anxiety all day. Suppressed for the first half of the day— but then I realized it was there.
Just wanted to say everyone.
@ThePizza - Hey M - is your anxiety any better? Its hard when it want to hang around all day. The 54321 thing can be done anywhere. But sometimes you need something simple - easy. Get something you can hold in your hand. I usually have a rock or a marble. (see I didn't lose all my marbles) You can use anything though. But you take it and just focus on it. Notice it's weight - it's texture - both by feeling and sight. Notice the colors. Can't guarantee anything of course. But it does help sometimes. Of course we're here for you for anything.
@NoneTheWiser It's hard to admit you're not ok. To be weak and vulnerable. I wish I had something to tell you. I do the same thing- and you all remind me all the time - that it's ok to not be ok. Noone expects anything from you here. You be you. You're allowed to be weak here and vulnerable. You have my word - no one will hold it against you. I kind of think that maybe in order to move forward and heal things we have to allow ourselves that vulnerabilty. But hopefully you'll feel a little safer with the knowledge that you're not alone.
@ClassicalMe Hey you - How are you? I - Hope things are going better for you. I started that book. Saving Fish From Drowning. And I mean just started it. I'm on page 31. Might take me a while. Seems like a very deep book. I was reading the first page on here and ran across your post about hugging unicorns and kissing rainbows. Staying fantabulous. I'd like to wish you the same. There's always someone here for you C. You don't even have to tag anyone. Just post - anything. I know it's not the same as rl. Idk - We're all here for you C - cheering you on. Wishing you so many good things.
Anyway - I'll be quiet now. Be gentle with yourselves and your thoughts. Take care - yeah? Eat some fruit or a vegetable or something healthy. Or don't - lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you J. I did find something to observe, I guess thats what Id call it, and it helped a little. Of course itll probably get easier over time. Honestly at this point I think my body is shutting down and Im not even making the effort to fully think about my anxiety-thoughts. Like— I feel anxious, definitely, and I can think of a few things off the top of my head that Im stressing about, but Im not forming the thoughts in my mind. Its just there. I dont know if thats good or bad. Probably a little of both.
I told myself I would start to be more honest with people about how I feel. But here I am again, pretending that everything is fine and I
@ThePizza It's really hard to put yourself out there and admit that you're struggling. It's normal because it's what you know. Like a defense thing. You're so used to being everything for everyone else - you forgot who you are. Idk - maybe that sounds wrong. You're facing new things. It a whole strange new thing.
You don't ever have to be something you aren't here and you never have to justify yourself here. We like you just the way you are.
You are doing a really great job reaching out and writing things out here. I gott tell ya - I am so proud to see you doing this!
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you. Its come to the point right now where Im numb enough that the thoughts of stop bothering people internalize this is unecessary are just things Id rather deal with another day.
Spot on. Ive definitely lost myself.
@ThePizza You're never bothering nyone in here M. Never. Anytime - about anything.
Take a deep breath - a pause. Breath in and let it go. We're here for you. You're not alone. Will have to think what we can do to help you find yourself.
Ive escaped so many responsibilities from home but I have new ones here too. So now on top of stressing my new responsibilities Im stressing about having to return to my original ones. I need a break from life but I sure as hell arent gonna get one. At times like this I wish I lived alone, because then I could stay in bed, just lie there and do whatever the heck I want. Actually— I wish I had the guts to just do that at home. Im dreading my return to so many different things. I dont feel like myself— I feel disconnected from reality. Maybe its time to try that observation grounding thing J suggested again.
Im also sick of my instinct to justify all my actions to every single person on the planet.
@ThePizza Hey M. Just checking in with you. I know you're feeling overwhelmed right now. But let's try to take this one moment at a time - yeah? We're here for you. No need to justify anything.
Try to be gentle with yourself
@mytwistedsoul
My just started and Im already feeling poorly, both physically and mentally. Hopefully the rest of the day is better. Thanks for sitting with me last night, @NoneTheWiser too. Also, @ClassicalMe, I noticed youre running low on pop tarts again. Might want to run off to the store for more.
Guess Ill see how this day goes
thank.
@ThePizza Hey M - Just do you - yeah? Whatever you're feeling. We're all here for you no matter what. Got some poptarts - got some crackers. Just realized we forgot Tootsie Roll pops. Dang! Lol - sorry - personal challenge - that whole how many licks does it take thing. Got pointers from Platy.
Sidetracked -
Be gentle with yourself M. Feel whatever you're feeling. None of it is wrong. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. Just do you. We're here if you need us.
Hi. I'm Mel and my cutting history isn't very long. I had something about 30 scars on my body when I tried to count them the last time. Nowadays it's maybe more. I was free of cutting for about half a year, but I didn't resist the urge recently. To be honest, I don't know why I should resist the urge now. These days it's getting worse so I ended up here...
@GettingUp Hey How are you?
Congratulations on making it 6 months without harming. Relapses are part of the healing. It's ok. We're all here to help each other. If it's a really overwhelming urge you can always get a listener to talk to someone right away. Try to distract yourself. Use a rubber band or maybe go for a walk. Some days you've got to try just about everything you can think of.
You're not alone - stay strong !
Be gentle with yourself - take care
Depression hit hard today
@ThePizza Hey M - I'm Just going to hang out with you for awhile - if that's all right. We can talk or just chill - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
Yeah
Just some thoughts bouncing around - could get interesting.
Having some anxiety issues tonight - but kind of not in a bad way. Like anxiety with an attitude. Snarky. Idk. 5 minutes ago I had 9 million thoughts and now poof - gone. Just a picture of someone running their hands literally through my brain. Almost sifting them. Lol - panning for gold. Eh - it's all fools gold.
So I have a couple of songs running non stop all day. Starting to drive me nuts. Shinedown - Devil and Flight Paths - False Disguise - which that song. Idk - you have to listen to it to fully enjoy it. The voice he uses when he says certain thing. That's kind of how I feel. Imminence - Lighthouse - Which maybe don't listen to that one. Good lyrics - just alot of screaming. But I love the violin in it. That's one instrument I've never played but would like to. Idk - theres a small part of me that really gets instruments. And Volbeat has a new one that's cool - Cheapside Sloggers. My favorite of theirs will always be The Devils Bleeding Crown.
Hmm - must have gotten sidetracked somewhere. Lost some time. I've been easily distracted this evening. It's kind of funny - I can spend hours talking about music but beyond that Idk - feeling - ya know. I've been pushing alot of them down. I know I need to deal with them *groan* but I really don't want to. Just thinking about thinking about it take the shine right out of my snark. (that sentence shouldn't be possible)
And boom - everything calms a little. Just mention feelings. Man no body want to deal with them. I think we should be able to uninstall them.
@mytwistedsoul
Don't know if you'll like it but
Set It Off- I'll Sleep When I'm Dead
...and sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head
@ThePizza
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I'm alone
But I know, we've made it this far, kid
Excellent song!
I have heard of Set it Off - I like their newer one Killer In theMirror
@mytwistedsoul
I love Killer In The Mirror! I almost suggested it earlier, lol!
@ThePizza Lol! They have some really good tunes. Have you ever listened to Bohnes? Middle finger is pretty good
@mytwistedsoul
I have not heard of them before but I am looking for new music
@ThePizza I'm always on the look out for new tunes.
@mytwistedsoul
The Devil
@ThePizza Ah Volbeat! He has such an awesome voice
@ThePizza I'm sorry you're feeling like this. There's a bunch of us here that don't think you're hopeless though. Just dealing with some things. We're here for you.
