Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Because - why not
@mytwistedsoul
Awesome!
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you today?
@mytwistedsoul
Low low low until the end where I made a new friend. Still low actually but better, at least. Looking forward to parts of tomorrow, though Im also terrified that Ill screw things up.
Im always very glad to see you all (even if I cant see you I know youre around Classic)
@ThePizza I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Glad to hear you're looking forward to tomorrow. Just take a pause before you do what ever you're doing - try to ground yourself and take a deep breath.
To the pit of misery!
So it's like we're all sitting here waiting for the cops to come. Ohh - or fire people to put out the fires.
Pretty sad that someone takes someone elses name and tries to cause damage. So if you read the post - Are we the menace or the herd of sheep? Are we the one that are veiwed at the bullies? because we dont' let this person run wild and cause damage. When I say we of course I mean everyone here on 7c's. I can't help but think about inflated ego's. Trying to not be judgmental. But dang - It get's to where your thread is kind of like a second home. Your sanctuary - your bat cave.
I'd like to be able to say that this hasn't made me angry. But I would be lying so bad. This whole move was calculated. We pick our little avatar pictures for a reason. Something we like - or hold close. They kind of become an extention of us. How we see ourselves on here. Well ok maybe that's me. I'm just some hyper little rat running around. I think I'd be pretty upset if someone messed with my rats on here. I'm still not sure why this person - this shapeshifter think some of us have any power. Idk - just needed to get this out of my head.
I still say to the pit of misery! Broke every single decree in here. Karma had better be shrapening some claws - Just saying!
@ThePizza - Just checking in with you M. Wondering how your day went.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey thanks for asking. Good parts and bad. Not sure if its possible to be happy if Im supposed to have depression. IM not even sure what I mean by that but its whatever.
Hourglass by Set It Off
@ThePizza Hey M. There's no set rules when it comes to this stuff. You can be majorly depressed and still know and feel moments of happiness - moments of joy. It is what it is - ya know? You don't have to justify anything to anyone. We're all kind of in this together. Regardless of rhyme and reason.
I've really been enjoying their music - I've heard them before but it's been awhile. Thank you for bringing them back to my attention!
No Resolve - This is War
@ClassicalMe -Hey you. Just a little note let you know I got tootsie roll pops - LOL!
Seriously - just had you run through my mind. So I'm sending you some good vibes.
@ClassicalMe Hey C - How are you? So I've been working on something with you in mind. It's not 100% finished and well - I'm my own worst critic - sooo.
@mytwistedsoul I can't tell you how much I love the dolphin!!! When we first made the joke I had changed my phone wallpaper to a dolphin because it made me smile. You're so good that all that, it's really amazing the things you've made, really. I'm speechless every time. Do you ever sell any of it?
How are you today? Everything at peace? (whatever that means...) It's been good hearing from you and seeing you pop up in my notifications. Don't ever think I'm ignoring you, because I'm not. I'm always here, and you mean a lot to me, just the invisibility blanket sometimes gets in the way hahaha
Today was my first day back home (as you know I guess) already messing it up haha gotta be a record somewhere! I'm just not destined to be like everyone else I think. Why would anyone want to be? Because it's easier to deal with in our society I guess.
Oh! I've loved the music suggestions that you've been dropping here and there, I've listened to ALL of them. I'm not going to lie, your taste of music is so much better than most people's! The songs you mention just radiate with power and feeling, and it just hits a spot in your soul. That sounds weird, I know, but music is powerful.
I am sending the best of vibes your way J, thanks for being amazing and for sticking with me through the dark. You really are something special.
Oh, and the tootsie pops! That's awesome Hahaha thanks for sharing! Tootsie pops are fantabulous, and some much needed fruit intake;)
@ClassicalMe Lol! It's #10 on my bucket list - How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop.
@ClassicalMe Hey you - I have to say - It is so good to see you!
I've glad you liked the dolphin - It's not perfect - I just wanted to let you know that you're thought of - ya know? I laugh everytime I see something with dolphins. I do sell some things - mostly the furniture and the fairy houses. Of course the dolphin - duck and turtles will find their way onto the mantle or something.
Lol - everything at peace - good days - bad days and some worse one's but hey one day at a time. I've never thought you were ignoring anyone. Although I was a little worried that maybe I ticked you off with the safe place comment. I know I say things sometimes that maybe I shouldn't - I have a tendency to be too unfiltered. I try to remember that just because it's in my head - that doesn't mean it need to come out of my mouth.
God I'm afraid this is going to turn into a book - so don't feel you have to answer.
You don't have to be like everyone else. There's no fun there! Just be you - that's all. I think too many people do things because it's easier. Sometimes I like to think that maybe us screwed up weirdos are meant for something special. I have no idea what yet but just maybe - ya know?
I'm glad you liked the music - that's probably the nicest thing you've said to me lol! Aside from hugging unicorns and kissing rainbows. It's ok to hear music but you really have to listen to it - it speaks to your soul and calls to your heart. It can feed and fuel you or soothe you - make you think. That's why I always say if you want to know how I am - just ask what I'm listening to. So no - lol - it doesn't sound weird.
Thanks C - you're welcome. Always - Made me blush a little. Lol!
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts C. We're all here for you - in case of whatever. Zombies - smurfs - Ohhh - zombie smurfs! Riding dinosaurs! Take care - yeah?
@ThePizza - Hey M - Got a little something for you too. Nothing special mind you - just lol - Idk. It's not perfect but hey - My first time.
@mytwistedsoul
Ahhhhhh that
@ThePizza Hey How are you?
I have to thank you again for reintroducing me to Set if Off. I think I'm addicted to Killer in the Mirror.
@mytwistedsoul
Lol! Youre welcome I guess. Killer In The Mirror is— amazing
@mytwistedsoul
Ahhhhhh that
@ThePizza You're welcome!
Confused—
On the one hand Ive recently come to terms a little that, well, its okay to not be okay. And that everyone is going through their own stuff, with varying levels of difficulty, and the levels of difficulty dont matter. Well, I did already accept this before, just never in my favor.
On the other hand, whenever people around me have hardships, whether they be better or worse than my issues, I always feel veeeery uncomfortable. Guilty, that I ever feel bad at all. Sometimes I can ignore those thoughts, but not always. And then I feel pretty lost.
@ThePizza It's ok to feel however you're feeling M. You have nothing to feel guilty for. What you're going through is just as important as what anyone else is going through. We can't really pick and choose how we're going to feel each day. There are a lot of thing going on in your world. I know I'd be overwhelmed if I was facing everything that you are. You're doing the best you can at this moment. No one can ask for anything more. You're still awesome in my book!
@mytwistedsoul
<3
@ThePizza Hey M - How are you?
Just wanted to check in with you. Wondering how you are.
Be Gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe
Not sure why I tagged everyone, lol.
I understand feeling like youll say something and mess everything up. I get that too. Well were all bound to make mistakes— and thats okay. Were all respectful of what people are going through here and its really nice. And— were friends— I dont want to imagine not being able to talk to you three. Youre all amazing. I look forward to talking every day. Thats enough sap for now—
Ive had a lot of… self-induced anxiety today. Its technically good anxiety but I still hate it. First I felt anxious because we wrote spoken word poetry and then another class came and watched us read it out loud. Luckily I recovered from that and although it was tough, for once I actually did way better than I expected. The second thing is much worse and Im still very anxious about it now… so Id written a piece to be workshopped, which is basically when we edit someones work, tell them whats good and what can be improved. I didnt like what Id written because Id only written it to have something— I didnt have ideas at the time. Then today I had the oh-so-brilliant (rolls eyes at self) idea to replace it with a new work. Which was about R being trans, and idk I just described his pain the way he told it to me and… I honestly dont know why I wrote it. Maybe— maybe I had to get it off my chest, idk.
It still hasnt been workshopped yet but its about to be. Im really anxious and feeling sick— yay.
@ThePizza Hey M - I think you're pretty awesome too! Thank you.
So wow you had to read poetry in front of a bunch of people? That's great that you got through it. I can see why you would have been anxious - I would have been so nervous.
So you're have a RL post and panic? You wrote about R? It must have been a little bit of a relief to be able to get it out of your head and off your chest. I know you've said you have alot of feeling going on with all this with R. I cn understand why it would make you anxious. I mean it's not a secret but it's a part of you. It's making yourself vulnerable and then to give it to someone to edit. Do you think you're anxious because it's about R or that it's your words - your interpretation of his pain - that vulnerability? I hope you know what I'm trying to say. Or is it maybe a little bit of both or heck maybe none of the above.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey M - I think you're pretty awesome too! Thank you. Youre welcome
So wow you had to read poetry in front of a bunch of people? That's great that you got through it. I can see why you would have been anxious - I would have been so nervous. I was really nervous— agh especially since I wasnt completely done and had to finish while names were pulled out of a hat and my classmates presented… welp I finished and read it. It was alright
So you're have a RL post and panic? RL post and panic— hell yeah… You wrote about R? It must have been a little bit of a relief to be able to get it out of your head and off your chest. I know you've said you have alot of feeling going on with all this with R. I cn understand why it would make you anxious. I mean it's not a secret but it's a part of you. It's making yourself vulnerable and then to give it to someone to edit. Do you think you're anxious because it's about R or that it's your words - your interpretation of his pain - that vulnerability? I hope you know what I'm trying to say. Or is it maybe a little bit of both or heck maybe none of the above. I think I was mostly anxious about it because I didnt know how people would react and I felt like I was exposing Marc and I shouldnt have others read about it… I mean theyre most likely never going to see or meet him anyway… idk
@mytwistedsoul
Dammit dammit I wasn
@ThePizza Forgot to give you some walnuts - lol! We're throwing them at mean people LOL!
@mytwistedsoul
Youre welcome
I was really nervous— agh especially since I wasnt completely done and had to finish while names were pulled out of a hat and my classmates presented… welp I finished and read it. It was alright
RL post and panic— hell yeah… I think I was mostly anxious about it because I didnt know how people would react and I felt like I was exposing him and I shouldnt have others read about it… I mean theyre most likely never going to see or meet him anyway… idk
@ThePizza I'm glad it went all right. Deep sigh of relief I bet. I always hated talking in front of the class. I stumble and trip over my words here. I'm 10 x's worse in thos situations.
I can understand that - the anxiety and worry about people's reactions. At the same time it had to feel kind of nice to get it out there.
Other wise - camp's going good?
Be gentle with yourself M.
Feeling a little emotional today. A little angry. Frustrated. A little down.
I have to admit - I'm a little more depressed then maybe I let myself believe. I push a lot down - tuck it away. If you ignore it - it goes away eventually - doesn't it? Yeah I know - I lie to myself. All the time. Maybe we all do it. Telling ourselves we've got this - it's no big deal.
Anxiety makes us keep our mouths shut - the feeling of not being worthy of peoples time -anxiety lies too. Tells us we're just not good enough - You have been weighed - measured - and found wanting.
Then there's the depression. That makes us hide and keep our mouths shut too. I guess because we feel no one will understand. I had someone tell me once that depression is too personal and that it shouldn't be shared. Man what a crock of BS. So maybe don't listen to that kind of advice.
There's a lot of times I don't like the face I see in the mirror - probably why I avoid them. Idk - is it shame? Guilt? Fear? Probably all of the above.
Just so you know I have a hard time practicing what I preach. All those words of acceptence and understanding. I can't do it for myself. Well - maybe some days - just a little. Enough to get through the day I guess.
The Queen has been whispering in my ear the past few days. Feeding my insecurities - fueling the anxiety - the depression. Cementing and sealing every thing bad I feel about myself. Ours is a love hate relationship I guess - I love to hate her and she hates to love me. Or maybe it's the other way around. How twisted is that? I hate having the knowledge that I was never wanted. Never loved - never good enough. I should be used to it. It's one of those questions you always sort of want to ask but you don't because you're afraid - terrified of the answer. Idk - I - poof train of thought derailed. Typical.