Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I feel like I'm on a see saw. I can't seem to decide if I should be anxious or depressed. Or angry - that's simmering under the surface.
Day 42. I woke up in a panic. Somewhat surprised it's Monday. I feel like I'm missing alot of time. It's unsettling. It's been a rough past few days. I don't remember much of them though.
Tomorrow - is the Queens birthday. It's triggering alot of thoughts and emotions. I was reminded of something that my grandmother said once. That had I been born a girl - it would have been different. Really makes me think - ya know? Not much I can do about it anyway.
The Queen's really been stoking the fires. Never been good enough. Wasting time. Air. Just taking up space. Feeding the insecurities. I'm wasting people's time. How it won't be long before it's revealed - the monster I am. That it's pity not compassion. Idk - I think they both might be the same. Maybe just some subtle differences. Idk. I should find something constructive to do with my hands.
@mytwistedsoul
You are no monster. Real monsters do not reflect and write and act the way you do.
Pity and compassion are very different in my opinion. Compassion comes from a feeling of being equals. Pity suggests a sense of being superior and looking down at someone. Does it make sense?
I hug you thight if that is ok
@admaiorasemper Thank you - I have to be honest - I so want to argue the monster part. I won't though because - well just because.
The pity and compassion definition makes sense. I don't think anyone here is looking down on me - to say otherwise would be an insult to anyone I've talked to here.
*hugs you back* Thank you - I'm getting better with the whole virtual hug thing.
I found a new scale for deciding how you're doing during the day. I'm holding at a 7 today - lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Definitely a 1 on the outside but a 9 on the inside. Love the scale, though :)
@ThePizza Hey Mere! How the beach?
So a 1 on the outside but a 9 inside?
I'm sorry to hear that. It's hard hiding that yeah? Pretend you're having a good time when all you want to do is be left alone. Always remember you don't have to do that here - yeah?
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. We're here for you - ya know? You don't have to go through this alone.
@mytwistedsoul
THIS STUPID— AGH.
Had this whole rant, good-sized post about things Ive been keeping inside lately and its suddenlh POOF gone. I dont have the patience to write that all out again so I guess well try tomorrow.
Hey I saw something— a post from a bit ago where you were 35 days clean. Now its what, 40? 42? Thats awesome!!
Okay, feeling the need to get stuff out. Heres a brief, short list of things (probably elaborate later)
-Swimming before/after learning about coach switch
-Questioning identity
-Depersonalization
-Friends who live far away and Ill probably never get to see again in person
-Missing friends from home
-School is soon
-N o t M y s e l f
-Everyone physically with me: please go away, id rather be alone or with my friends (physically and/or virtually)
-To my brother: God dammit youve pushed me over the edge. Im falling from the cliff side I dont care if its sibling rivalry THIS NEEDS TO STOP. NO MEANS NO!!
-Made progress but now I hate myself again
@ThePizza Hey Mere - you've got alot going on with you right now.
That's got to be really rough with the coach change. Especially if it's a coach you've had for a while. You kind of get them figured out at some point and know what to expect. Add a new one to the mix and you've got no idea what to do. It probably doesn't help either that you were already questioning swimming in the future.
It's hard feeling like you don't know who you are. There are so many things that can affect that. Because I'm finding that as you get older - things change. What we want - what we think we need. The people that surround us can help or hinder this too. It kind of figures in with the depersonalization too I think. Try to ground yourself .
You must be sad on all sides with the friends. Making and losing new ones and the old one's you're all ready missing. It's probably not helping your depression all that much.
You really do have alot going on in your world right now Mere. It's ok to feel over whelmed by it and maybe even a little scared. I think anyone would if they were in your place. It's ok ya know? It's ok to not be ok. I know there's only so much that we can do from here. But we're here for you. Keep venting and speaking your mind. It's better than holding it all inside.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@ClassicalMe
<3
@mytwistedsoul
hey! i understand how you feel. i think it's great you did not self harm for 11 days. if you need anyone to talk to, i am here for you :)
@hope0207 Hey How are you?
Thanks for saying that. Um - today is actually day 43. My record had been 42 days. So this is a new record.
@mytwistedsoul
wow, that is amazing.
i am good. how about you?
She never stops - you know? Just constant always- there. Talk talk talk - nagging. Wears thin - wears away at my control - my soul. Heartless b*tch that she is. F*ck being considerate - she's never considerate. Why should anyone else be?
I have to walk away sometimes from what I'm doing because the temptation is just too great. Anything is a potential tool. Couldn't stay in the shop long - oh so many toys in there. We do like our sharps don't we? Although sometimes fire can be just as cleansing - just as big of a problem.
The urges are crazy sh*t. Paper has been shredded - spiders drawn (instead of butterflies) - wash is done - dogs brushed - plants watered. 5 showers have been taken. Walks taken - poison ivy dealt with. Ruber bands - ice. Balls thrown into fans - even a lively game of the floor is lava. Coloring - legos. You name it - it has been freaking done. Even a funny conversation about Twilight and the whole vampires and werewolves thing.
I'm having a hard time taken a deep breath. It's more of a shuddering breath. Heart pounding. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I want to rip off my skin - just pull off the whole suit. Then maybe I can breath. Maybe I can see my soul. See what's inside. See what everyone claims they see. The broken pieces of me. Those sharp edges that cut from inside. The deep wounds that bleed invisible.
Thinking about batteries and if you can jumpstart your brain like you can a car. Or maybe short circuit the boards. Make things run right. Believe me - I'm pretty sure you can't but the thoughts are there.
I'm trying really hard to be good - keep my hands clean. I'm pretty sure I'm driving my shrink nuts. Which for some reason I find that statement funny. But yet it's not - good thing he's really understanding - although a part of me thinks it's just because he's paid. So he should have to work for it. Damn - thoughts are getting Less cohesive (big word of the day).
Good thing the dogs say it's time for a walk.
@mytwistedsoul
I am just gonna say what you always say, be gentle with yourself and your thoughts... and then I am going to close my eyes and imagining walking with you and your dog and your thoughts too
@admaiorasemper Thank you for joining us. Just to let you know we had a nice walk. Thank you for reminding me to be gentle.
44 days. Feels like my head is on fire to the beat of drums. Still anxious as hell. Can't seem to get my thoughts organized. Words are in short supply. The urges are still there - but I give you my word I haven't done any SH. Not yet anyway - sorry if that sounds negative. Just being realistic. I'm a screw up - ya know? I will screw up - it's what I do. It's what I'm good at.
@mytwistedsoul
One more day under the belt, nice job! Keep taking it one step at a time, one day at a time.
We believe you, J. We believe IN you too.
I understand the negativity. Its often hard to put a positive spin on things… negativity is so much easier, and I agree it does feel a lot more realistic. Perhaps you can try using the negativity to your advantage? Instead of not yet— Im a screw up maybe try to twist it around to not yet— it hasnt happened yet, look how far Ive come.
Sorry if that sounded rude or was too much…
@ThePizza Thank you Mere - it wasn't rude at all. You're right I'll have to try that.
I hope you're doing ok.
@mytwistedsoul
You may be good at screwing up, but even better at getting up after a fall...
I am very proud of you for getting so far. Everybody here is. And even if you screw up, we are still gonna be proud. I think we should put things in perspective. I mean... let's say one goes 2 days without sh. That's a 2-1. It is still a victory. Every step should be celebrated. And you have covered such a long path (with the dog too! 
)
Ok - so it's ok to not be ok. I've gotta be really freaking honest - 'cause I don't think I am.
Losing time like it's water slipping through my hand. I can't hold it just keeps trickling out through my fingers. And my freaking head hurts.
My grip feels like it's slipping. One minute it feels like I have it and then I don't. I get it back and then lose it again. It's been happening all morning. Too much in my head - too many conflicting things. Thoughts - emotions. And the Queen - she's waiting - rubbing her hands together. She 's loving this.
Just let go.
So what do you say - J? You know I'm right. I'm always right. When have I ever been wrong? People talk of evidence? Evidence can be planted - it lies. It can be altered. You should know all about that.
Anxious? You should be. This is all on you buddy. Just admit it. Why would I lie? I'm just telling you how I see it - how it looks. You think you've got it all figured out. But you don't have a f*cking clue - you're nothing. Nothing but a f*cking emotional idiot. It doesn't matter - you don't. You never have. Just an inconvenient sh*t. An embarrassment to the family. Of course that's why none of them like you. Oh - ok - I will admit there have been times when you were useful. Some of the things you can do - have come in handy at times. But beyond that - you're just a waste of -
K - Oh for f*ck sake - shut up all ready. No one wants to hear this sh*t. No one needs to hear it - you miserable f*cking b*tch.
A - if we do this J - she's quiet
L - But then she wins A - she shouldn't win J. She doesn't deserve it.
A - oh - k - but
Me - Can I just please have some quiet? Just for a little?
Idk maybe I shouldn't write this sh*t in here. Kind of feel like I'm flashing everyone my soul. No one could want to see this. Why would they - just shows how twisted I am. Warped - abnormal. Freak. Monster. That's what the journals are for moron. Type - delete - type -delete. To post or not to post - that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind to just keep this sh*t to yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
We are here to see all of you (that you are open to sharing).Were not here for just the parts you think are acceptable for others to see. Were here for all of it, and we accept and support you no matter what.
@mytwistedsoul
In reply to something you wrote, I want to see this. It is you. We all come as a full package.
@ThePizza @NoneTheWiser @admaiorasemper
Thank you
@mytwistedsoul
I understand feeling twisted and messed up. It's actually comforting to know someone else understands . We are here. And I'm happy to be here.
@blueTangerine4400 Hey Hi. How are you? It's nice to meet you and see you here. This is a wonderful place to find others who are going through some of the same things that we are. It helps to not feel so alone in our struggles.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe
