Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

@admaiorasemper

I apologize if I'm being a pita. I -um - have more time than I know what to do with sometimes so - I find things online that bring others to mind. I'm sorry I don't know you well enough to know if you have a favorite animal or anything. So - Lol.

If there's anything any of us can do - um - We're all a pretty easy going group. Mere and Wise are really smart. I'm well - I'm me - J.

Be gentle with your thoughts and yourself.

@ThePizza - Hey Mere. Um - I figured it would maybe be best for me to write this to you here instead of on your thread. No Offense intended of course. I don't want to say names or be all pointing fingers. And this is probably going to come out wrong all the way around.

I just wanted to kind of check in and see if you're ok. Idk - perhaps you've noticed one of your thread visitors has been banned. This person has been a little bit of a problem around the site for a while. They start out really good and supportive but then - Idk what happens. It's the same person that a few weeks ago copied Wise's name and picture. And did the same thing to someone else on here. So - um - yeah. Like I said I just wanted to check on you. I hope you don't think I'm over stepping boundaries or anything. *slinks back into the shadows*

I hope you have a good day. Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

Man I have a headache. Having problems with anger. Wanting to destroy things. The desk I'm working on - (let's not be stupid J) Alot of work went into. Time and effort. But there's axes in the shop. Ya know? That f*cking voice that says it's no good - just bust it up. Will make good firewod. Did manage to get some work done on a little bird though. That - Idk - working on it was kind of soothing. Calming - for a little. So I walked away. And here I am - lol

@mytwistedsoul

How are you feeling?

I sometimes feel as though I'm being pulled apart. Mental image - crack open my skull like a coconut and sift through - flick out the fleas. I read a post - about puzzle pieces. Pardon the pun but it seemed so fitting. I think I'm working on more than one puzzle and some a$$hole mixed them all together. Do you realize how feaking long it's going to take to get anywhere on this. Yeah ok the borders will be easy. But filling them in. God - I'm going to be here forever. can I exchange my puzzles for some easier ones? Although - I get so frustrated sometimes I could see just sweeping it off the table and into the trash. F*ck these puzzles.

I have so much missing time today. Urges like crazy. Spent some time looking at my hands. Because I swear to god they aren't always mine. Times when I don't know what to do with the tools I have. I couldn't carve a toothpick if you offered me a million bucks.

I feel agitated - restless. That unzip my skin feeling. I've been thinking too much. Or maybe not enough. Too much of the wrong things and not enough about the right things. Idk - they bounce around so much sometimes.

Anger get's to be a problem. With the anger comes the craving for pain. If I cut or hit something - it takes the edge off. It doesn't feel like it's going to eat me alive. But I haven't - god help me as bad as I have wanted to I haven't. God help me - who am I kidding. There is no god. Not for me - we haven't had anything to say to each other for a long time. I'm not sure who gave up on who first.

I feel rough - ragged sometimes all sharp edges. Touch me and you'll get cut. I don't want to hurt anyone. I worry about that so much. One of my many worries.

I try to be gentle with internal dialogue but man it's hard. I'm supposed to be nice but it's ok for everyone else to act like a$$holes. Especially the Red Queen. How do you feel something less then hatred for her?

I need to go. I feel like I'm ready to freak out. Or I'm going to end up writing something I shouldn't. I'll probably read this tomorrow and wonder WTF.

Sh*t - I think I wrote myself a book.

Uh where do we start?

First I guess we should deal with the anger. Consuming just rage at the world. Rage at the injustice of things. The fact that you're given options and choices but what do you do when none of it works? When the system is faulty. When the powers to be fail. Who is it fair to? When it feels everyone has to sit back and just let it go - just wait. Wait for what? Someone to get hurt? Granted it may only be feelings and emotions that get hurt - but - wait did I just say only? Only feelings and emotions? Huh - those are the ones that often leave the deepest wounds and the worst scars. Haven't most of us been wounded enough? I have enough scars physically - emotionally and mentally. It's twisted me into the raging beast I feel like now. But would I take it on someone other than myself - no - no way. I'd turn it on myself before I'd do that.

I know there are times before that I came in here and handled myself badly. But I'm a quick learner (sometimes) and I know that just because things aren't going my way it's no reason or excuse to take it out on someone here. I get tired of people who think that they're so clever to hide behind a new name and act a little differently thinking that they've fooled everyone. We don't always get what we want or get to have things our own way. If they're so freaking clever - Figure it out! I could give a number of ways that they could get past the rules and get what it is they want. Use your freaking heads ifs you're so god damn smart and stop taking your bullshit out on everyone else that may have tried to be kind to you. And then you have the nerve to show your true identity and yet nothing is done about it. We'll just wait until something happens. Really? Is that how it's done?

Ok so deep breath - maybe a few more. Breathing heavy - shaking with anger - jaw clenched. Breath in and let it go. I don't think all this is mine - someone is fueling it. Maybe - Idk. It feels justifiable - but god it feels so wrong. I'm tired of everything always feeling like it's the wrong thing to feel. Feeling to feel - wtf. How do I uninstall this shit. These stupid emotions suck. Take them away - I'm done. Control - alt - delete. Bring up the task manager and stop the process. Lol - let's find our happy place - yeah? Oh hell who am I kidding - it's probably on fire right now.

Lol! Now that I've had my rant - I realize - this probably doesn't make sense. No - I'm pretty sure it does. Maybe - Idk.

To the pit of misery! LOL - let's post and panic - probably not but the options there. Now I'm just rambling for the sake of it because hey why not? Oh crap - I wrote myself a book. Apologies for the cussing - well not really - it was way worse on this end. But it's the thought that counts. Isnt it?

5:38

Wow - totally wrecked the thought train. My anxiety just shot up like crazy. Delayed reaction to the earlier anger? Idk. Got that crawl out of my skin feeling. Half sick. That thing where you stick your face in the sink or a bowl of cold water - really works - if you catch it in time. Wise one had it on a checkin a while back. But sometimes by the time I catch it - it's too late and it has to be ridden out. I don't have as many as I used to. Just the ever present anxiety. That works on a sliding scale. But there's always a hum. That vibration. LIke your body is a tuning fork and it's just gathering the vibrations of the world around you. Idk - guess that sounds kind of stupid.

I've been thinking about how somepeople are firestarters. You know the ones - they light the fire - pour the gas and fan the flames but cry later when they get burned. Never mind the victims that were in the path. Which Idk - It bothers me more when it's other people than it does if it's just me. Not to sound all pity me - but I'm used to it. Be a victim or a volunteer. I'm not sure - but I think I've lost alot of the empathy I had for this person. Which bothers me. Because that's not me. I used to feel bad for this person. But how much can you take - how much should you take? I really understand boundaries - I'm better with others then I am my own. Because I cross my boundaries like a pole vaulter. Maybe it's wrong but there are different circumstances - ya know? Different people require different boundaries. I've been pretty good about them

Ok so game change - 8:29. So a few things. First apparently OCD came to play because the kitchen is awesome.

Um- are you ever doing something and feel you have to rush? Like you have to get it done or somethings going to happen to you. It could be taking a shower or putting on your shoes. And the thoughts are panicked - get 'em on - get 'em on - we have to go. The shower was - hurry - hurry - you're using too much water. Quick get done. Again with the panic. Idk. Had few moments of feeling uh - melancholic - no that's not the word - Come J - Idk - you feel like your missing something or something's lost. Idk - poof - thoughts all gone! Huh - well this sucks

I'm tired - just completely all around tired. Physically - emotionally - mentally. Grouchy and irritable. I'm trying to be mindful and not bite when I'm talking to someone. Although I haven't talked to many people today so that's probably good.

Anxiety isn't too bad at the moment. I think it's more of a depression right now. Having a hard time with keeping my thoughts - I was going to say keeping them straight but they seem to just disappear all together at times. Time has been weird. I feeling I'm missing days - just feel like I'm running behind. Idk - everything feels conflicting.

It bothers me sometimes - that people might see me as fragile. Like I can't take care of myself. Idk - maybe it not so much what they think of me but what I think of myself. I mean - I know I'm perched here on the head of a pin. One wrong move can send it all downward and it could shatter. But there are times when I don't care. Is that self destruction?

Idk - I know I'm looking at it all wrong. It's not that I'm weak or fragile. But that some people genuinely seem to care. I just don't know why - it's a foreign thought. That people can care with out really knowing you. But yet people who know you don't care at all. I mean - what you see here is pretty much what you get. I just don't think that everyone is getting a good deal. Idk - I might be having some pita thoughts and feelings. Ok so not might - I am. The whole tagging someone to say something - or reply again. Somewhere someone has to groan and say oh god not this person again. Doesn't he have anything better to do with his time? Get a life - get a clue.

I really try not to be a pita. Even the good Doc Z knows about my thoughts on being a pita. One day I might share that story - because it is funny. I know therapy is serious business. Boy do I know that. But it is nice to have a few laughable moments here and there - because holy sh*t. I've got some serious things going on here in my head. It's hard to find acceptance - hard to find understanding. I mean I know why I am the way I am. It doesn't mean I have to like it - but I need to accept it on some level or We're not going to survive.Tbh - there are days when I don't care about that either.

Other thoughts are towards Castle Cups here. And how one person can screw up the whole thing. Make people on edge. Make them feel as though they have to leave or kind of go into hiding. I've stayed out of threads in attempts to keep him away from the person the thread belongs to. Thinking that it was better - But- That was wrong. I know there is only so much that I can do as a member. But as a member - I will do what I can to stand up for the ones who need it. I don't want a confrontation so to speak - if anything - I would like some understanding. Why this person does what they do. Why they feel it's right to harrass and get abusive toward people who never did anything to them. Why they keep returning to the very place they claim is so horrible and limiting in how we interact with each other. It's all about choice. If you choose to keep coming back - why not choose to be kind and help people all the time? We've all got problems - ya know? But that doesn't mean we still dont have choices. We decide what to do with ourselves. Idk - bitter or better?

I

I've been talkin' with the darkness
and listening to what she says.
And I've been touchin' all the shadows
that are hidin' in my head.

I seem to have slipped in to depression. Don't even think I felt it coming -it was so subtle. Tbh - it's kind of a nice change from the constant anxiety. I know it lies and tells you things you shouldn't listen to. But I was already thinking these things to begin with - so it's kind of nice to have something agree with me.