Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@ThePizza
Actually - I'm sorry this post is a lie because I think they're geese
@mytwistedsoul
I won
@ThePizza LOL!
So my parents confirmed that they
@ThePizza Excellent Mere! It's great to hear this! I'm sorry I missed seeing this last night.
Things are a little weird tonight. Idk - I get thoughts and as quick as they enter - they're gone. But yet my mind seems almost painful clear at times. Which anyone that know's me - yeah - I know right? Eh - give it a few minute- that will pass.
I feel depressed but yet it feels like I'm shaking inside. This body doesn't feel like it belongs. I mean I'm pretty sure it's mine - my name is on the tag somewhere. It just feels wrong. Like I'm borrowing someones shirt. It works but it doesn't fit. Idk - is this what going nuts feels like? It should be against the laws of nature to have more then one freaking problem. Like ok - you have depression - thats' it. Anxiety - that's it. Bipolar - that's it. Don't hand me a bag of crap and tell me to sort it out. What was I the last one the assembly line that day - it's quitting time and you have spare parts? Look at all these spare parts Bill! Here let's just give this one extra. *whistle blows* Quitting time!
There's alot of aggression there too. But I'm trying to just be snarky with it. You gotta make jokes sometimes. Because god -if you don't you will freak the flock out.
Idk - I just needed to let off some steam.
WARNING
I have to admit - I am having some serious urges. Thoughts that are leading me to think I need to harm. Looking for some relief - some punishment. I need this - I deserve this.
@mytwistedsoul
I understand your feelings very well... the sense of needing and deserving it. I am here for you and I am offering you compassion... Can I keep you company?
@admaiorasemper Yes please
@mytwistedsoul
I have got myself some warm milk. Do you fancy some too?
@admaiorasemper No - thank you though.
@mytwistedsoul
Would you like to describe to me that campfire? How do you imagine it?
@admaiorasemper It's just a big circle of rocks. Piled high so we don't burn the woods down. There's chair all around. Classic brought unicorns and a dolphin. Mere has a pillow fort here. Wise brought the floor is lava. We have pop tarts and life savers. other stuff too but I can't think at the moment
@mytwistedsoul
I can picture it so easily now, thank you.
Can I bring something too? I would like to take a book, The Neverending Story. And an owl made of stone. And some swiss dark chocolate that could count as life saver...?
@admaiorasemper
Those sound like very nice additions
@ThePizza
Thank you!
ps. I love your nickname :DDD
@admaiorasemper
:)
@admaiorasemper Thank you for keeping me company yesterday. It means alot to me. You've brought some wonderful additions to our campfire. I've always loved that book.
@mytwistedsoul
You kept me company too
The Neverending Story was also the first movie I saw in a cinema as a child.
@admaiorasemper I just watched it about a month ago and really enjoyed it.
@mytwistedsoul
You know that I now have that song from the soundtrack playing in my head? :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf1WT8VEZxk
@admaiorasemper It's a hopeful song. Kind of filled with wonder. Now it'll be stuck in my head for a while.
Yesterday was a nightmare. I feel as though I'm still kind of suffering the after affects of it. The uneasiness - that shakiness. The thoughts of - please tell me it was all just a bad dream. Unfortunately more often then not - my nightmares are also my reality.
I didn't harm yesterday - god I wanted to. One of those times where you want something so bad - you can taste it.
I have to be honest - I mean I always try to be but sometimes I do hide things. I hide them because - well - I'm really unsure of what people's reaction will be. I don't have the best of luck when it comes to people. Um - kind of like an animal that's been abused for too long. Afraid of what is to come from the hands of others. And unfortunately some of that unkindness has come from those on here with their stupid assumptions and questions. Listener's - ya know?
So -um - the Red Queen made her presence known to someone here yesterday. Just testing the waters. I know it could have been worse but it left me feeling extremely exposed and vulnerable. At the risk of sounding crude - I feel as though I just streaked through the woods here and danced a jig around the campfire in nothing but my birthday suit. I also have to admit that it took all I had to come back in here because all my senses are telling me I should isolate. At the same time though - I don't want to because I've been isolated long enough. I'm not a danger to anyone other than myself. So I'll compromise and just have a hoodie and sunglasses day. Cool dude camouflage. *snort* Yeah you're so cool J.
So since yesterday - the Queen has been quiet. She fished for some information and is now working through it. Trying to figure out how she can use it. The silence makes me anxious and afraid. It always does. Because it means she's up to something. Plotting and planning. What a f*cked up mess my life is. I want to say to everyone - you should just leave me alone - forget I exist. But At the same time - I want to beg everyone not to. I'm tired of always being alone. Ok - so - lets get all emotional over that.
Ok so enough with the whining and complaining. My only other thought is zombies. They say they eat brains but they never show that in the movies or even really mention it in books. Because come on - even if you're a zombie don't you still need your zombie brain to handle basic motor skills? The whole shuffle and moan thing? Idk.
So now we post and panic. The best part of waking up is - post and panic in your cup.
@mytwistedsoul
I am so proud of you. Every time you are able to resist the urges as you did last night, and choose compassion, you reinforce a different way of relating with yourself. You are doing an amazing job J.
A hoodie and sunglasses day sounds cool!
You have no idea how much I relate to both wanting people to leave me alone and actually wanting them to stay. Being left alone is what I have always been used to. It hurts, but it is familiar. People staying seems beautiful and warm, but it is an unknown situation, therefore scary as hell. I don't know if it's the same for you too.
Anyway. I am not leaving you alone.
@admaiorasemper Thank you. Um - pride and being proud is something else I'm not used to either. It does feel good not to have harmed for so long.
It is the same for me. It is scary - for many reasons. People can be scary. They are scary. Sometimes they seem so nice but then they turn on you. The one's you would think should be the kindest are always the one's who treat us the worst. Those lessons are hard to forget.
Thank you for your kindness and your compassion. Thank you for not leaving.
@ClassicalMe Hey C - How are you? I had you run through my mind today. So I thought I needed to bug you. Well - ok not really - I just wanted to let you know that you've been on my mind. Wondering how things are in your world. How you are.
We're all still keeping your spot here for you. Sending you good vibes.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser @ClassicalMe@admaiorasemper
Hey everyone. Sending good thoughts your way
@ThePizza I was sending you ducks as you sent this - lol!
@mytwistedsoul
Lol!
@ThePizza
Thank you! Good vibes travelling towards you right now :)
@ThePizza Hey Mere - How are you? So you're back from the beach now? I hope you had a nice time. Although I do know there's alot going on in your world. I can't tell you how glad I was to hear that your parents have started actively looking for a counselor for you. I hope it can help you with everything that is going on. Help settle your thoughts. You must feel a little sense of relief knowing that they're looking. I know you've been ninja-ing around with Classic. You two have go to be at expert level now. I may need to take lessons.
Be gentle with your thoughts and yourself.
Ducks in tutus - you can't got wrong with ducks in tutus
@NoneTheWiser Hey - How are you? I know you're on break but I know we all ninja around. Hiding in the shadow's. I hope you trying to fit in some self care for yourself. Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you sending good thoughts and vibes your way. I know you changed your picture but - You'll always be thought of as Ninja Cat.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.
So I started a new thread of my own— I wanted my own place, just so I could post random stuff without feeling bad or guilty. Being honest, though, the campfire is still my favorite place. <3
@ThePizza *wipes a tear* You're all grown up! Lol! Nah I'm just picking.
It's cool to have your own thread - that way you can get others opinions - broaden your base - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
💙
@ThePizza Hey Mere! I've been wanting to ask you. I know here we call you Mere. Are you comfortable with that in your thread or would you prefer M or neither? I didn't want to use your name when that person was there the other day. It just didn't feel right. Idk - maybe I'm just weird that way. So - um - it's your call. You don't need to decide right away either.
@mytwistedsoul
I think— definitely the right call not to use it with that person. Im glad you didnt. I think other than that, though, Im happy with M or Mere. Thanks for asking, though. I really appreciate it— like a lot
@ThePizza Hey no worries! You are most definitely welcome. Um - maybe for now - I'll use M there and Mere in here. Just for a little bit anyway.