Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I feel - stupid. Things I want to say but nothing sounds right. I have some alarms going off in my head but depression has them muffled. So they're easier to ignore. I have concerns about things but they don't pertain to me - so I keep shoving them out of the way. Stuff them in a box - if it fits - it ships. There will probably be regrets about it later. As for now there's nothing that can be done. I'm just really suspicious of people and their motives - the timing of things. Things that click together so easily. Too easily. There's no one to tell anyway.
The Queen has been muttering - I feel walled off by the depression - so it's harder for her to get through. I'm not even 100% sure this depression is all mine. That's one of the hardest things - figuring out what belongs to who - whom? Would you believe once upon a time I was in honors english? I totally suck at math but I used to be good with words. Key words - used to. Now half the time they don't look right - the comprehension for them fails.
Alot of the time emotions come in waves. The only thing that's usually a constant is the anxiety. It's like a fire. It can be kept low or fueled. Now it's just smoldering - waiting to get some fresh air to ignite the sparks. Poof - mind blank. Just a couple of cuss words
@mytwistedsoul
I fully believe you were in honors English. It doesn't surprise me at all. Your words come across as very clear. It may be sometimes difficult for you to fully understand your thoughts and feelings, but you are able to express this difficulty, as anything else, very well with your words...
@admaiorasemper Thank you - I'm glad that they make some sense. If not to me - then at least to others who read them.
You're pretty good with your words too.
I'm - Idk - in a mood. Disappointed - depressed and angry. Not a good combination for me. Makes me feel a little self destructive. It feels like sometimes things are just pointless. You can have good intentions and then no matter what - there is always something that get's in the way. Idk - I think and worry about things that are out of my control.
I think I may have used up most of my words yesterday. Idk - maybe it just feels like they don't matter anyway. And that's ok yeah? Because we're all about being able to feel what ever we feel right? Sorry - I think there's some underlying hostility here.
@mytwistedsoul
* Me, my owl and a couple of root vegetables are here sitting quietly with you and whatever you bring along, even hostility *
@admaiorasemper We'll sit here quietly together. Do you ever wonder - out of all the toxic crap - if you're the most toxic one? Like - Idk - maybe this doesn't make sense. Like someone could hand you the keys to the city and not only would you lose the keys but you would succeed in burning the city to the ground. All that's left is the charred remains. Idk - sounds pretty melodramatic I guess. *huh - guess that's not too quiet*
*I would love to have an owl - amazing animals*
@mytwistedsoul
Of course I wonder. Nasty voice says I shouldn't even wonder, because that is exactly what it is. However, we wouldn't burn the city, but drown it. That's our thing. Sorry. I guess this doesn't help at all.
Perhaps. If you are fire and I am water. The city could survive after all? Mmm.
@admaiorasemper Mine tries to push me to be more toxic - she likes to nudge me in bad directions. Maybe your nasty voice and my Red Queen could keep each other company and we could just enjoy the city instead of laying it to waste.
@mytwistedsoul
It sounds scary to let those two talking together, but we could give it a try. We could hide somewhere, perhaps in a park, behind a bush, laying there and enjoying the sun. Waiting for wise and pizza to join us
@admaiorasemper It is kind of a scary thought - maybe with a little luck they'd end up fighting and take each other out.
@mytwistedsoul
I
@ThePizza Hey Mere - Sweet ninja skills - as always
Today is 60 days. I should feel good about that - yeah? I dont though - not really. Maybe that's not it. I guess I don't care. Or I feel like I don't care. Idk - I just feel lousy. My head hurts - along with a few other things. I'm tired. Sad - Angry - tired. Having alot of pita moments. There's things I'd like to say to people - reach out to them but then the pita in kicks in and I shy from it. If I do suck it up and say something I regret it because I got nothing to really follow it up with.
There's things going on here (here being here at Castle Cups) I'm trying to understand but I'm suspicious - ya know? Wondering what they thought the end result was going to be. What they expected it to be.
Doc Z today which is another good thing - even if I'm the one who doesn't really feel like going this time. I have alot of thoughts but I'm reluctant to share them. Alot of it is because it seems the moment I have them they disappear. Maybe I'm overthinking them and they wear out. Or maybe a better image is that of a little fish pond. The little fish are my thoughts but they're so skittish - ya know? A shadow passes over head and they scatter and hide. Maybe they need to be scared - it's possible there's something in the water way bigger that wants to eat them. It's all about survival. No one wants to be swallowed alive. There are times when I can imagine that this is what it feel like to walk to your own execution. Idk.
And of course the ever present Red Queen. Always- always -ALWAYS - with the sh*t. God save the Queen - Yeah? I say f*ck that. How many times do I have to wave the flag? Now let's get emotional about it. Uhg it's way too noisy in my head today. All aboard the twisted train - possible derailment in 4 - 3 - 2 -
Nico Collins - I'm so sorry
@mytwistedsoul
Sorry that you
@ThePizza Hey Mere. Thank you - Yeah he did help sort things alittle. Which remind me - any word on how the search goes for you? You're right - I didn't think of that - even predators have to sleep - right? LOL! Ok so this made me laugh.
Stay cool Mere
@mytwistedsoul
Ive been cool for so long Im feeling a bit chilly now! Lol!
They told me theyre still working on it— its going to be harder to fit it in now that schools starting Monday. At least theyre working on it though.
Hey, maybe you can get a ninja turtle to take out the predator— then you may get some peace.
:)
@ThePizza Lol - good thing there's a fire here some where - we'll have to make some s'mores!
It's great that they're still working on it. I hope they find someone soon.
That's a good idea - there are usually turtles near fish ponds. And at least these won't eat the fish.
@mytwistedsoul
Glad you help you laugh a little
@mytwistedsoul
Just sitting here with you, I am a bit wordless recently. I hope the session with Doc Z goes well.
60 days is simply wow
@admaiorasemper Thank you - It's ok I had one of those days too. Sometimes it's just too tiring to try and talk about anything - ya know? It feels like it just takes all you've got just to breathe.
@ClassicalMe Hey you - How are you? Just wanted to leave a shout out for you. Just to let you know You still cross the minds of people here. I hope things are going ok for you . Idk - I hope alot of good things for you. Um - I just wanted to remind you that there's no expectations - no judgment. Come as you are - yeah? Or don't. I won't lie and tell you I don't worry about you every now and then. You've gotten some sweet ninja skills - all though I may have to hide the cloak.
Stay awesome C
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. Take care - yeah?/
What do you hide with your silence? Guilt - shame - anger? Nothing? Idk - I'm having a hard time with my thoughts. God they're all there - just locked inside my head. Emotions - I don't even know where to begin. Might have to just let my fingers do the walking - see what comes out then. Tread carefully - maybe wear a seatbeat. Don't feed the monsters.
Urges have been an issue. There have been a couple close calls. Emotions go from feeling nothing to everything. Sometimes in a matter of minutes. I feel very unstable. I'm standing on the edge - either push me over or pull me back. Don't leave me here and toy with me.
I seem to go from trying to be compassionate with myself to blinding self hatred. Tbh I feel the same way towards other people. I want to plead - don't judge me please - I'm sorry I am the way I am - to f*ck you who asked you anyway. I'm still me - with just a few added bonuses. Idk - it only takes a minute or two to just say something. Don't leave me to just assume - because I guarantee I am going to assume the worst. I will put the blame on me. It's what I know - it's what I do. I know it's not right - I know it's not fair. But you know what - don't talk to me about what's fair and what isn't. Idk - let's maybe change the subject or I will end up saying something I shouldn't.
I found a poem a few weeks ago -I think it's been that long- time is something here that works really weird. Hours - days pass and I couldn't tell you what happened - not with any certainty. Anyway - this poem is 7 pages long. 7 pages?! Holy sh*t. I must say though - it's pretty good. I've finally gotten permission to share some of it. At least part of what's all ready been shared. But Idk - do I or don't I? The last time a poem was shared there was some afterwards freak outs. Alot of fear - I guess. Judgment - rejection - even praise. IDk - shut up J.
@mytwistedsoul
Offering you a hand to pull you back from the edge
A 7page long poem! That is wow! I'd be happy to read it
@admaiorasemper * takes your hand but wonders if the push wouldn't be kinder*
Tbh - pulling some lines from here and there - I don't know if it's really a poem. I think it may be song lyrics pulled from places and re-arranged. So I don't know if it counts. (sorry A - don't want you getting into trouble)
Thank you - I hope you're doing ok today - Valeria - yeah? Do you mind if I call you that or maybe just V? I have a heck of a time remembering how to spell your tag name - I'm sorry for that.
*please note - I think these are lyrics rearranged and made into kind of a story. Maybe not all of them - but enough to make me need to say this. I won't do the whole thing - because well - 7 pages - ya know? Plus I only have permission for this section. But the one on a twisted path is 100% original.
So this is the last page -
Everyone is waiting and when we're done soul searching -
as we carry the weight and died for the cause.
Is misery made beautiful right before our eyes.
Will mercy be revealed or blind us where we stand?
Take off my shield
carry my sword - I won't need it any more.
Find me a sky - give me my wings.
Frozen and broken but free.
Take off my shame - bury it low.
Find me the sun - Give it to me whole.
Melt all the chains in my soul.
Take off my pain - carry me slow.
I won't fight here any more.
This war is over.
The casulties of a broken home.
- So let's post and A can have his panic
@mytwistedsoul
I really really liked this. Thanks for sharing, thanks to A for saying you could (I have no idea who A is, I still have to finish to read all the previous posts!).
V or Valeria are both fine
@admaiorasemper I'm glad you liked it. Uh - after reading all the posts - you still may not fully understand who A is. I should probably explain somethings sometime. To everyone who visits on my thread.
Needed to share this lol!
Uh - anger seems to be an issue - I think it's going to be a problem today. And it's not even 5 am.
I really hope the one I want to reads this - he claims to have read everything else so here's so more for you.
I never claimed to be a good person - yes I have my own problems. But I don't go around attacking people in here and then beg for forgiveness. Yeah I am cutter - yeah I do things to hurt myself - why? So that I don't hurt other people - so I'm not like you. I don't want to be an angry bitter person like you have become. And attack people looking for help and a kind word. You want to judge me - GO AHEAD! Your judgment is nothing compared to the judgment I have for myself or the judgment I have recieved from others. Technically this make you a harmer too. You cut your own throat with your actions and then bleed on the very people who tried to help. But it's our fault? F*ck that and F*ck you for that matter.
Wise and I tried to reach out to you - we wanted to see you come back. Because we've both seen some of your better posts. You claim mental illness makes you lash out like this - I don't buy it. Of all the people who may have come here - you're the only one doing these things. Everyone has problems - all of us - who are you to say we're the one's at fault? How can you say anything when it's your own actions that brought this on? YOU - You did this to yourself.
So you go ahead - you read all the posts - make your files and gather your notes. If that's what helps you feel whole and rightious then by all means go ahead. But you're the one who has to live with the end results of your own actions. Did you think you could just do what ever and there wouldn't be any problems with it? You claim you're being bullied - As I see it - you're the bully. You want reactions? My thoughts are - that you ain't seen nothing yet.
Ok so at this point I'm not sure which is worse - the restless rage or the calm quiet rage.
I said my piece - sicked up the poison - Had a few word vomits. I should feel better - I don't.
It started last night - on here - won't go into details.
I'm disappointed - frustrated - p*ssed.
People really disappoint me sometimes. The one's who do things - start fires and then cry because they got burned. They start it by drawing first blood but then claim they're the victim.
I really do know that I am far from perfect. I'm probably the best/ worst example of everything you shouldn't be. But I have never intentionally gone after someone with the intent to hurt them. Until today. I'm not proud of it. I don't think it's something any one should be proud of. D*mn - now I'm gonna over think this too. Could I have done better? Yes. Should I have ignored it - yes. Did I do any of that? H*ll NO! Cue the self hatred and regrets
Ok so I'm having some doubts - second thoughts and regrets. Ugh - I freaking hate being like this. I hate that this is going to re-play in my mind for a while. Idk - Maybe I should have took a pause instead of speaking out in anger.
I was right - Wasn't I? God Idk. No I was - we're allowed to defend ourselves - yeah?
I've tried to be understanding but how much can you really understand if the same thing happens over and over?
When do you get to say enough is enough?
I try to do good things here - I try to be a good person. I've tried to be helpful and kind. I will go out of my way to help someone - but Idk - it feels like some people are playing games. They claim they want help but they do nothing to help themselves. Self regulation goes a long way. Check yourself - ya know? It's ok to have bad days but lets not make everyone pay for our bad days.
