Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

Woke in a panic only to slip into depression. The anxiety isn't too bad - we'll give that a little bit to catch up later. Thoughts are alittle scattered. Words are - Idk - there - but they seem foreign. I never seem to be able to say the right thing anyway so it's probably for the best. Anger is still there - lurking underneath. Waiting for a breath of oxygen so it can flare . It's just being held at bay by the blanket of depression.

Having some problems with the Red Queen. Images - thought stealing. My hands are still clean but she has been trying to influence - those nudges. She's always got something to add. If she's not after me - she's picking on poor A.

I have people who offer to listen here but in all honesty - I am afraid. How do I explain that I'm not the sole owner of everything I feel? Everything I think? I do have a listener who is pretty awesome if I must say so. They know what's wrong with me and they are really understanding and open with talking to any of the the others. Not many people know. I do try to hide it. Let's get all emotional about it.

Been having alot of mixed feelings about the mass post. Thoughts - people don't realize the damage they can cause. With their actions - their words. The right ones can ease someone's pain - ease their mind. The wrong ones can cause damage and add to the all ready intense feelings of shame and guilt. The comment of being a 7cups actor. Those are a$$hole words from someone who doesn't have a clue. I'm not even sorry for saying that. You have no idea - ya know? The sh*t that goes on in my head. If I think to much about it the blanket starts to slip from the fire - so let's tuck it in a little better.

Idk - I don't think I like myself much today. I didn't like myself much yesterday either. Oh hell - who am I kidding - what day it is doesn't matter.

Let's go with Seether - Master of Disaster - seems like a good one for today

Steal my sight and then
Fill my mind with foreign words
To keep me wanting.

And speak now child
And chill my heart
With all the hurt and keep me
Suffering

All these promises
Lectures and bold face lies
All these promises
Born of a shameless mind.

Leave me to heal on my own
With those empty cool promises
You stole my dreams
Yeah all my dreams are dead inside
Please let me feel my way home
Without reason or compromise
You stole my dreams
Now all I believe is dead inside

I've got to stop writing these books - just more reading material for the shapeshifter. Idk - maybe I should just stop writing - period. Erase the whole d*mn thread.

I am not completely in control at the moment.

Breathing fast - pulse pounding - hands shaking

I'm almost embarrassed to admit a secret

Self conscious

I want to harm - I need to.

And no I'm not using my shop tools. (jacka$$) colonel mustard in the kitchen with a knife

God - what to do? Make jokes

You know what - shut up - don't judge. You aren't me (thank god for that)

What are you doing J? Just do it

I feel like - sh*t. I'm really low on words so we'll keep this short. I gave in yesterday. I'm angry with myself for being so amazingly stupid. Now I have to deal with the after math. The embarrassment and shame. My hands aren't my friends today.

@mytwistedsoul

It

Wasn't sure if I should write anything or not. And if so where. I write in here - Here being Castle Cups - as away to be accountable for the stupid things I do. Otherwise it's too easy it hide. One thing we know how to do is hide things. Ninja's ain't got nothing on these skills.

Just not feeling right not feeling bad - Just not right. Idk - anxiety start to go to work on the way home from seeing Doc Z. My head is kind of noisy - pretty busy - thoughts of eveything - anything and nothing. Stupid images- got that rip off your skin feeling. It kind of feels like I'd like to rip my brain out. Idk - too many sensations. I haven't listened to any music since this morning. Idk - I'm craving silence and I can't find it.

I worry too about writing in here because maybe I'm sharing too much. Am I putting anything in here that can be used against me. I've met a few nice people in here but I think maybe I've met more not so nice people. It takes me a little to bounce back from those people. Gotta overthink it - ya know?

Having a hard time putting the giant back to sleep.

So this is a rant - I guess I need to vent. I'm not sure where to start - I guess it doesn't really matter much.

I haven't been posting much on here - because at the moment - in my mind - this place is no longer safe. I know how that sounds - I wish it didn't sound that way.

When I first started coming here - I was looking for help - some companionship - some understanding. For the most part I have found that. As I got a little more comfortable here - I started to reach out to others. An attempt to give back - pay it forward - ya know? In all honesty - I don't even feel safe doing that anymore. There's a person here - who has been banned more times than I can count. But they keep coming back. They keep attacking certain people - myself included. I'd like to be able to say that I deserved it - but Idk - I don't think I did. But this person has gone after me for the self harm - for reaching out to people. Accused me of being a 7cup puppet. I've been accused of being artificial - of lingering here.

At this point I can honestly say - I feel - defeated - dejected. There's nothing they can do to keep this person from coming back. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. I mean if I did something to bring this on - fine. I'm good at taking punishment. Idk what to do. Idk - how to make this right. This is the only place I socialize. I have no family I can trust and as sad as it sounds - no friends. If I give this up - if I go back to isolating - what do I have left?

I'm not trying to sound as though I'm talking bad about this place. Because it is a good place. But Idk - I know I am just one person - one blip. But I feel unprotected - unsafe. I can't do anything to protect myself from unwanted attacks.For all the talk about safety and knowledge on here - Idk if they covered this - the dealing with trolls. Maybe if I was being mean or unfair to people I could see this kind of behavior towards me. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm one person - just one out of thousands. I don't - matter here. I should be used to that. I feel like a non entity.

Idk - just ignore this.

@mytwistedsoul

I am very sorry this person keeps attacking you— I wish they would stop. Personally I dont think they are doing it to get to you specifically— they just remember who you are and so they persist. I think it might be easier for them to do that than to find new people to attack. I think the same goes for Wise.

I will do everything I can to try and make this a safe place for you again.

So here we are - attitude - check - words - check - hmm - I need actual emoji checks - do they make those?

Ok focus here J. So I was here a day ago - I hate the uncertainty about time. Not remembering who did what where, why or how. Guess that covers it all - yeah - when where why who how. Yep.

So um - I need to take back my space. I will not be run off by someone who doesn't have a clue. Every time they attack me or someone else - it reveals more about their character than it does mine - and you want to say I'm artificial? That's really good. So I decided - If you have to attack someone to make yourself feel better - feel bigger - then by all means go right ahead - feel free to attack me. Be warned though - I am not your average person. You may end up with bigger mouthful than you bargained for. Ohh - lol - don't I sound all big and bad - lol.

Um - someone suggested that maybe it's more than one person on the account. Tbh - I didn't know what to say to that because of um - reason's of my own. I know I really shouldn't be afraid to discuss what I have - who I am - who all I am. But I get really nervous about it because well - judgment - ya know? Not so much in here on my thread but I have been treated unfaily at times by listeners in here and by other people. They're not all they're cracked up to be at times.People in general ya know? Idk - Frick - I lost my train of thought. Checked for other things but forgot to check the train schedule.

Idk - guess it was just a take back the thread thing. A J declaration. No more - You aren't the one in charge here - neither am I. But I won't allow you to think you can dictate how I interact with people on my time. At least I'm trying to do good with my time. Why am I trying to explain any of this - it's not worth it - remember? Yeah so - I put my middle finger up. Lol!

Ok so this concludes this test of the J broadcasting system. Back to your regularly schedule programming.

I didn't sleep last night - I couldn't. It bothers me a little to admit that the troublemaker disturbed my sleep. But I think my conscience may have disturbed me more. There are times I hate having a conscience. I genuinely do not like hurting people intentionally. But how many times can you just let things go? Especially when they seem to attack for no reason.

A few days ago I was trying to reach someone who was unfortunately talking about giving up - you know? Giving up the whole fight. Cue the troublemaker - which he actually started out ok but then it went down hill. Now the person I was talking with - has disappeared. This bothers me - I'm worried.

Anxiety is really freaking high right now. It's actually been awhile since it's been this high. Well - not since I harmed last. Major Pita moment. Really unsure of myself. Really unsure of even writing it in here. Head full of all sorts of stuff but they are just all over. keep writing words back words. Or letting whole words out. God no wonder it takes so long to do replies sometimes.

And gone - let's give it a minute - nope - guess that's it for now