Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

Not sure where this is going - might want to fasten a seatbelt - this is just some sh*t in my head. Let's put a -

*TRIGGER WARNING*

There are doors slamming - furniture flying - stomping feet - sharks cricling - Blood in the water. Prey. Sacrafice - suffering. Crying - wailing - screaming. Cackle and laugh goes the Red Queen.

We are - oh we are so many things. Told Doc Z to go f*ck himself. Shouldn't have - felt good though - apologized later. No worries. Just get a grip - yeah?

We are gnashing teeth - scrabbling claws. Growling - howling. We are anger - we are need - we will do what we want. We are out but in control at the same time. How's it possible? Doesn't matter - go with it.

Do not f*ck with me - we are broken windows - busted doors - plates and glasses broken on the floors. Can't put any more on my plate if all the plates are broken. We are rage - so deep - so raw. Scream at the sky - scream until your throat is raw - chest is heaving - heart is pounding. Scream it all out - like a sickness.

There are some who think they're so clever - so smart - hiding behind false disguises. Did you feel a twinge reading that? Good - because I know - I always know. The only one you're fooling is yourself.

We are firebreathing dragons lighting up the night. Burn - cleanse - feel the heat - fan the flames. Let it all fall to ash - the new growth will over come the old. Stronger - better. Can't breath - too much smoke - take a pause - hold it tight - tighter! Don't let go. Shiney and new - a sliver of hope. Like a new penny - worth so much more. So fragile. A strong puff - gone. We'll tuck it away - hide it - so it can grow big and strong. We need miracle grow.

And we are sadness - a sadness so profound. The loss of trust - faith in our fellow man - in ourselves. The ill will behind their intentions - the games they insist on playing. Sadness of the past - the present - the future. Push it down - ain't got no time for this sh*t. But it lurks - in the shadows. Always there. Always reaching - threatening to smother. No - no more. The plate is clean - it's broken.

I almost had this thread deleted - why? For all the wrong reasons. A very wise person told me to take a pause. Thank you Wise person. But I didn't - took a pause - there's alot here. Good things - bad things - questionable things. But hey this is me - Good things - bad things - Questionable things. The good out weighs the bad. I need the good. To remember - why I came here - why I still go on. Why I haven't pulled the trigger. There I said it - the thought is there - the desire - not so much. Nope - not today. To Quote Mere - NOPE.

And we take a deep breath - and another - feeling better? Yes - no - maybe. Alittle - don't leave in a huff - leave in a minute and a huff.

* it's all good - no worries - the temper tantrum was only inside. The house hasn't been trashed - there is no broken dinnerware or windows. No busted doors. No blood - no sharks. I haven't harmed today. No dragon's were harmed in the making of this - no harm anywhere. We're all good.

Now let's post and panic - yee haw

*note to self - 40seconds in the microwave for coffee - not 4 minutes. Duh

@ClassicalMe - Hey you. How are you? Tbh - I'm not even sure if you're ninja-ing around much anymore. On the off hand chance - I just wanted to let you know we're still holding a candle here for you. Hoping that you're hugging rainbows and kissing unicorns.

Come as you are Classic - no judgment - no expectations. We can talk or sit quietly. Plenty of poptarts. Idk - I know it's not in my place - but I can't deny I'm not worried about you.

Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts.

I hurt people - not intentionally. It's never intentional. Doesn't matter though - does it? We fool ourselves into thinking we're doing the right thing. We're not - most of us probably don't even know what we're doing - let alone doing it right. Sorry never seems to be a strong enough word. But I am - sorry - for wasting people's time. I'm sorry for who I am.

I've been trying to remember my self worth. But - there's always a but - Idk - I feel like I'm just lying to myself. I mean - I'm just not feeling it - ya know? I'm here - I do my thing. But I just kind of feel like I'm taking up space. The bubble wrap in a box - maybe not even that because that at least keeps things from getting jostled and broken. I'm the jostled broken thing in the box. I have to be honest - there are days I want to give up. Days when I just don't want to be here any more - don't want to be me. Just let me lay here - ya know? My get up and go - got up and went - without me. No forwarding address - no nothing. But - there's that d*mn but again- I keep going - keep on keeping on. I wonder why? Fear? My fighting spirit? *snort* Yeah that must be it.

It's funny - if you look up self worth and how to get it back - wikiHow has a page - with pictures! LOL! How funny is that? Pictures on how to build up your self worth. Idk - you have to admit - that's funny. Like the pictures are going to help. Yeah you can tell yourself all these things - but it's just all BS if you don't believe it - if you don't even know how to start to believe it. You may as well say something weird like Abracadabra or something - for all the good it does.

I'm not sure why this is on my mind - I guess because I've kind of been watching things I shouldn't. I kind of triggered myself.

Recently I noticed with most cutters are -um- more organized - more uniform in their cuts. I am not. It's impulsive and happens quickly. I think I'm less organized with them because it's easier to explain them away. Easier to hide. I work with wood. Chainsaws - dremels - handsaws- all sorts of hand tools. Things slip - accidents happen.

I'm pretty fogged in with depression. I just don't care anymore about anything. Nothing feels right. I'm just going through the motions. Phoning it in. Still have the anxiety but the depression has a pretty good hold so at least it's not too overwhelming.

This has been a type and delete day. I know I'm feeling alot of anger - alot of hostility - towards myself and the others.

I feel like a mix of fire and ice. Frozen in place - touch me - you'll only burn your hands. Just no good for anything or anyone. Becoming more of a taker than a giver.

I have to be honest about something I've been feeling lately - Possessiveness - this is uncommon for me. I'm uncomfortable with it - Idk - maybe it's more of a jealousy thing. Which - still uncomfortable with it. But it makes me think stupid things and makes me angry. Then I get angry with myself for thinking so stupidly. Oh for f*ck sake J - just shut up.

Don't argue with me - I am af*cking idiot thinking I have any rights. I'm just a tool - a vessel. God - now I'm so freaking angry. Need - what do I need? To throw things - break things. Hurt things - myself. Those around me. Need a pause - a few deep breaths.

Hide your face. Weep for what might have been. Stupid, silly little boy.

Had an appt with Doc Z today. Got a few new memories - nothing real bad. It explains some of the panic I feel when I have certain things I have to do.

Trigger warning - childhood memory

Like washing the dishes - so uh - once upon a time - the dishes needed washed. Small enough to need to stand on a kitchen chair to reach the sink. There was no caution with the glasses or any knives. Just wash the dishes J. When the job was almost done - she came to inspect the work and make sure everything was done right. It wasn't - A fork wasn't as clean as it should have been. Back-handed off the chair - told to get back up. She proceeded to go to go around and pull out all of the plates - bowls - glasses - cups - silverware. Each piece needed to be washed and dried and returned to it's proper place. It took 5 hours and it was after midnight til it was done.

Now let's post and panic - I've no idea why

Hey @NoneTheWiser Lol - found this - thought it was funny

Still sort of dealing with the depression but it's not quite as deep as it was. The anxiety kicks up every once in a while. Unfortunately I bring it on myself. My good intentions - then my second guessing. I have found that sometimes at night coming here spikes my anxiety - Idk - if it just an association with the problems with the trolls at night or what. So I'm kind of here but not in the evenings.

I'm still having trouble with sleeping - stupid nightmares and panic attacks.

Idk - I guess I've been alittle more thoughtful with things. Or maybe just deep thinking. I have to admit there are times when this place sort of disappoints me. There seems to be a lack in support from the higher up people when it comes to the people filling the volunteer roles. Idk - I've just really seen a slip in things in the time I've been here. I realize that people have their own lives outside of here. But at the same time - this is kind of like a business - there are financial supporters - backers and stuff. Idk - maybe I'm reading to deep into things. I know there are alot of hurting people but it bothers me when they take their hurt out on others when they're only trying to help. And then you have to worry about crossing a line and stepping on someones toes. But yet - I guess we have to support each other and in order to do that we may have to cross those lines. Step outside of our comfort zone. You have to worry to about people forming unhealthy attachments and them having expectaions you can't fill. When you don't do what they expect they lash out and take it out on the very people who are trying to help them. Like I said in my feed yesterday - we're all here for one reason or another. We need to mindful of each others pain and tread lightly into the lives of others. I think I've gotten alittle better at that - better at choosing my words. I hope so. At least for the past few days any way. It could all change in the next day or even the next few minutes. It could be just the numbness.

Now if I could just find my motivation. I mean things are getting done but there's more that should be done and tbh I just don't care about it. I'm sure it will return - it disappeared a few months ago and found it's way back. Idk - I guess it makes me feel like I'm being irresponsible. I know it's fall - winter won't be too far behind - I know there's things that need to be done before the snow flies. Idk - there's time. We'll get there - just trying to practice what I preach in the patience department. It's really hard to follow you're own advice and words of wisdom. Make me feel like a hypocrite - which shouldn't make me laugh but it does.

*Man - just writting books everywhere*

I can't seem to find any enjoyment in anything lately. Even simple things like taking the dogs for a walk or going for a run. Just not into it. Working in the shop - forget it.

My thoughts are wanting to bounce around right now - anxiety spikes every now and again. But then it goes back to it's steady low hum. The depression digs in alittle deeper it seems with each rise and fall of the anxiety.

Been having some flashbacks involving water - feeling the pull of it - not being able to breath. Nightmares.

If I sit too long with out having something to focus on - I dissociate.

I'm feeling -Idk - I feel like sh*t - just doing the bare minimum to keep everything alive here. The dogs get fed - go out. Throw balls into the ceiling fans. Water the plants. Wash - rinse - repeat.

I'm feeling guilty - feeling little to no emotions. There's been no crying - no anger. A deep and profound sadness for what it is and what it was. Idk - The Red Queen can't touch me here. I know it makes her angry - so she sets her sights on the others. Torments them. I feel bad for that - but yet I don't. I know there will be payback. There always is. But yet what else can they take? They all ready get more than what I feel is fair. Sounds childish - that's ok too I guess. I feel small - a tiny piece in the bigger puzzle that is my life. Idk - maybe I'm addicted to my own stress. When I'm not anxious - I feel dead