Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

We liken ourselves as knights, knights of a seriously f*cked up round table as K says. Every day we strap on our armor. It's dented and stained. We have no dragons to slay. There are no other kingdoms to conquer. We only battle ourselves. There isn't much in the way of compromise. Sometimes we reach a truce but eventually it's breached. It's been explained before as a tower defense. There are factions in a constant battle for the strong hold. Sometimes we all want the stronghold. Sometimes no one does and we have a system shut down. We are just coming back online from one. In all honesty it's hard to believe it's Thurday. These are the moments when it's as if time has ceased to exist. There is no sense of time inside.

The inner world is better than it used to be. It was a dark and dismal place. We have a castle. Complete with moat and drawbridge. Everyone has their own space. We try to be respectful of each other's space. We aren't always respectful of each other though. There is a lot of conflict, a lot of arguing. Add in a lack of trust, differences of opinions, different tastes and wants. Dreams. It makes for a very volatile environment at times. Some of us are willing to share, others feel that dog don't hunt as they say. Even as I write this there's a flash of anxiety that wasn't there before. I'm not one to get anxious much. So apparently my being here is making someone anxious. My thoughts are getting distracted. It's alright though, I'm almost finished.

We are trying, I hope everyone realizes this. There has been some talk of the dreaded S word here. I'm afraid some of that was my fault. J isn't the only one who get's tired of everything. We're all suffering in some way or another. We all have our problems. Some of us have a penchant for harming. Some a taste for hard liquor. If we can't speak of our sorrows we tend to drown them instead. We are all our own individuals, each as different from the next. Each holding on to some piece that has brought us into being.

There are some people here who are just now discovering things about themselves. This is a scary thing to have to deal with. Because you simply don't have the one thing you always wanted.... Control. You have no control over yourself. Which, everyone stresses the stress. Mind your stress. Be wary of stress as though it were a wild creature with a mind of it's own. Your stress becomes everyone elses stress. Some handle it better than others. Some can't handle it at all. It makes the scared ones more scared, the anxious ones even more anxious. Take pauses, take moments to catch your breath. Take time to just sit and enjoy a cup of tea or coffee. Reach out. For god sakes DO NOT be afraid to reach out to people. Although we need to practice that ourselves, I know. It's hard when there has never been anyone else you could turn to.

We are Legion. For we are Maany ( Apologies, someone has a sense of humor today)

He needs a name. He's so little compared to the rest of us. He cries all the time. So frightened... this little pup. Hides his face. If he can't see you, you can't see him, I suppose. We're at odds with what to do with him. Although there's nothing that we can do really. Accept him into the pack. Keep him safe. Show him love. Love... what a foreign word at times to ones who never knew it. He is beautiful, this little golden boy.

Thank goodness someone we talk to knows what to do with small children and has given advice on how to comfort him. Because we are totally clueless here.

I've been trying to figure out how to handle something here. While I will not mention names, I am aware of certain people who read these posts. I suppose you could think of this as a warning. Be careful with your questions, if you're a listener. Some questions may come across as inappropriate or unnecessary. You already have strikes against you. Just a friendly reminder. Tread lightly. It won't be me who talks to you next time. ( Just smile and nod, yes Logan) Ok? Thank you.

Random thoughts -

Crying - who? Oh me

I - you - me - we - why the f*ck can't we ever agree?

Kiss me once - before you leave

Please please please just be quiet

How the f*ck am I supposed to do this?

Head hurts

Too many in one place

F*ck compassion

We aren't equipped for this

There is no god - they're all dead - it's ok we don't get along anyway

Anger - White hot - cold hands

Pulsing

Hammer's cocked - razor is ready

brace yourself - this is gonna be heavy

Let's play shall we?

I am ANGER - I am NEED - I am the HATRED on which we feed

Loneliness -

Broken people - as many of broken people as there are - we all suffer in silence

Anxiety make us afraid to reach out - depression declares us of being unworthy

It's hard to talk about things when you feel so much at once. I'm sorry but that emotion wheel is crap. Yes I am angry - I am so f*cking angry all the time about everything. Sad - yes - anxious - yes - depressed yes - irritated yes. Afraid. I hurt in so many ways. I just need one word that covers everything I feel. F*cked comes to mind - J you are so f*cked - lol. That works.

Anguish and misery just aren't strong enough. Tormented - plagued. I want to rage - ya know? Just at the world - at everyone. At my life. I want to say it doesn't matter - most of the time it doesn't. But every once in a while a small quiet voice says it does. Hope is that you? Shut the f*ck up - no one asked you. There is no hope - no light - no warmth. You want warmth - get some gas and a match. Watch it all burn. Brings chairs - marshmellows. What you have is what you have - don't want more. You only get disappointed. It's hard to trust anyone. THis is why it's so easy to keep to yourself - but what if you can't even trust yourself?

Hostility - Yes - alot of hostility. My hands are clean though - but they don't want to be. Crimson calligraphy - You know - my blood type is b+ - how freaking ironic is that. I b positive about nothing.

Can we not - with the replies? I know it's ok to feel this - I know it's ok to reach out. I want to but I don't. Just kind of feel like I should be quiet but yet I want to talk - tug of war. With my soul - my mind. Grrrr - thoughts are scattering - like leaves or sand that slips through your hand

I've come to the conclusion - that - there is no conclusion.

I think I am just designed to constantly question and doubt eveything that is done or said on my end. When things seem right they still don't always feel right. That would just be too easy.

To be completely honest - I have thought about deleting my threads and just sort of be a floater. I mean - seriously - do I need to talk about my shit? Who actually cares about it anyway? Hell I'm not even sure I care about it at times.

Seems I'm a magnet for drama - I don't really like drama - it's too dramatic. Too stressful. It seems sometimes that people just like to push buttons and I'm not crazy about that either. There are some people who seem to spend more time trying to convince you something isn't what it seems when everything about it says it is exactly that. So then you're left wondering and questioning if it's just you. Instead of just saying they're sorry - they offer excuses. Or they just say it isn't that way at all. It gets twisted around. I kind of think its a form of gaslighting. So then you're left holding the bag - trying to reason with yourself why you feel the way you do. Idk - thoughts seem to want to swirl around on this subject. But yet - if you run hot and cold towards someone - there's usually a reason. I try to trust instinct - those spidey senses are there for a reason. But there is alot of doubt - probably because I don't trust myself.

As I write this post - with certain people in mind - I feel guilty. I am so tired of feeling guilty for everything. Which - of course carries shame on it's back - because what's one without the other? Then of course comes the anger because - Holy shit J can't you just shrug it off? I'm sorry but this delicate snowcone can't - things get stuck in my throat on the way down and I just can't chew and swallow. Don't feed me bullshit and tell me it's ice cream.

All this - crap is fuel for the Queen. The people who say they understand - I don't think they do. Unless you're in my head - how can you? We're not all the same. We are unique snowcones - in different flavors. What bothers one - might not another. How can you disagree with what one see's? Especially when there are outsiders who see it too? They see the reason why there's anger. God - Idk - I think maybe now I'm just rambling shit that makes no sense and talking myself dizzy.

How about some tunes? I used to share alot of music on my feed but - Idk - music is kind of sacred and to share it - is kind of special. At least it is to me. Those little glimpses into someone's heart - their soul - shows where their mind is. It can express things in ways we have no words for -

Fivefold - Flawless

Five Finger Death Punch - Inside Out

Fire From Gods - Right Now

Falling In Reverse - Popular Monster

Starset - Faultline

*the last 2 have been on repeat the past few days*

So now - let's post and see how this sits shall we?

Time seems to move weird sometimes. I'm not sure how to explain it. One moment you see the clock and the next thing you know - hours have passed - 5 - 6. What did you do during that time? I try to watch time kind of close. Sort of became a habit. I hate the missing time - I hate not knowing. So you spend the next hour checking things - because depending on who had that time - sometimes sh*t gets destroyed.

Leaving this here for you, J....

I have learned how to hide here - to keep the little red dot from turning green. Not always but sometimes. I sit here sometimes and stare at the screen - a thousand thoughts going through my mind.

I see other people who suffer from the same - Idk - problem? Affliction? Curse? Illness - what do you call this? It's not an illness - an illness kind of implies there's a cure. I'm told it's manageable - communication and compromise. Mainly communication. Sorry getting off track - Why are some people more comfortable with this? What am I missing? I know each system is unique and some of us have things we have to stay quiet about but it's like the cats out of the bag - we're not shoving that poor thing back in anytime soon. I've always felt like a freak and anomaly. Idk - maybe it's just what I've been taught. Its like Im the ringmaster of a poorly run circus. The monkeys are running wild - the lions have eaten some of the guests and I have no idea what to do about all the shit that laying around.

I have more conversations in my head then I do in real life. People scare the crap out of me - before I started coming here - I didnt socialize at all. Lately though Ive been hiding - why? What am I so afraid of? To want? To have hope? To need? People mean pain - pain hurts. But yet I harm myself - how does that make sense? Control? Yeah - control is good. I have none - not over my life

Alot of people say Im a nice person - I dont feel like a nice person sometimes. Sometimes I dont like the face I see in the mirror - so I avoid mirrors - avoid the eyes that are in them - the ones filled with guilt and shame - the ones that look empty and lifeless.

Ive been dealing with alot of memories lately - blood soaked nightmares - sounds - smells. Some of them make me physically sick - I know - god I know some of this is why Ive been keeping quiet. I am ashamed - do you have any idea what someone can go through to make their mind shatter? Well yeah - I guess some of you do - Im so sorry you went through what you did and I mean no disrespect to anyone - I am just so - ashamed of everything that was done to me and it fits into my mind sometimes that there was a reason - theres something wrong with me - a reject - tainted - wrong- evil - soulless. But yet I do nice things for people - I try hard to understand their pain - I feel deep empathy for them and I want to help. I had someone once call me fake here - that bothers me - still. Idk - maybe because Im not 100% sure who I am - I feel unreal - a figment of my own mind - so maybe that does make me fake. I can tell you that the shit that I went through is real - I have the scars and the x-rays to prove it. I deal with the Red Queen every day - every f*cking day - pick your worst enemy carry them around with you all day. Let them tell you everything youve ever done wrong - every way youre a failure - how youll never be anything - never have anything - how you should have died - how you should be dead. How you were never wanted - that youre the cause for everything that went wrong in their life. How if you were a dog they would have put you down. Sorry - getting angry and emotional. Shes unbiased too because she turns on all of us. She likes to influence - give nudges.

Sorry thoughts are wondering - blank - shit. This has been an issue too - f*cking thought thieves. I swear sometimes Im a mindless zombie. Some of it - its worrying about length of posts - some of it happens just because of what Im talking about - someone gets uncomfortable so the connection gets cut. No outgoing calls. That's ok I need to go pretend to sleep anyway

He really hates taking pauses. He says they never help anyway. If anything it makes it worse because he sits and broods on things. It's better to deal with it right away instead of building up that head of steam. He's quick to anger and hates when he feels people are being disrespectful. But he can be so cruel at times with how he handles things. He has a way of figuring out someones weakness and will use it against them. Predatory

But there's times he can be so considerate and thoughtful and show concern for someone. Protective

TW -

I sit in the green house alot of times - the strawberries are still blooming and there's some gr beans growing. Alittle spot of green in the cold. I had put some wood in the stove. It cracks and pops - it usually does. One certain one - IDk - the sound. Sh used to - make a belt pop - Idk. Theres no belts here - no wooden spoons. The sound - hold shit - just instand panic. Sweat breaks out - stomach turns - you're gonna be sick. Just the flood of memories - the feel of it. Next thing - you're outside - on your hands and knees - so sick - so hurt - dogs worried - make it stop - I feel - god I feel too much - not enough - it's never enough. Raw Maybe - maybe I shouldn't say this here - keep t a secret - secret keeper
Just don't - please - just don't touch - hands - hands are bad

Sick just shake shake - teeth jaw clnched - chest tight - heart pounding

Go go