Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

We've been working on a bucket list. Nothing spectacular but there are things that - Idk we never really indulged in. We allways wanted to take them to the beach but none of us is a big fan of car rides lol. We were going to paint her nails but decided we probably shouldn't because of her washing her feet. But Idk - we might try it anyway lol. I guess when it's dry it would be harder to lick it off. They had puppachinos - which they weren't fans of - which is kind of funny because they will steal a few licks out of your coffee if you let them. They've had ice cream - and bacon - they really like bacon :) Steaks and hot dogs and cheese burgers. They like swedish fish - and certain colored lifesavers

Sometimes I think we've fooled ourselves - I'm not sure how to really explain that. Like we've fooled ourselves into thinking she'll be ok - she's still eating and drinking and doesn't seem to be in pain but then she gets restless and reality crashes in and I wonder if it's cruel to keep her here - not just to her but to us as well but - there is such a feeling of dread when the thought comes of making that call and taking that last trip in - and then - Taz. Knowing that she'll be looking for her sister - knowing that to say her name will cause her to prick her ears up and look for her. Knowing that there's nothing I can do - Idk - is life allways so heart breaking? How can you comfort anyone when you can't comfort yourself?

Other then that - trolls - is there nothing anyone can do about them? Because I have had my fill - I'm tired of it

Type -delete - type delete

Been keeping fairly busy - had the idea to add on to the green house. The extra space will be nice but holy cow what a mess. three different types of screws and a few nails added because - why not lol. Turns out all the panels on the roof needed to be replaced because they were brittle. It would have been alot easier to just have built it bigger from the beginning. It was something that was given alot of thought but not much planning. Some noise sensitivity hasn't helped - because it's hard to construct something when you're trying to be quiet. Busy is good - ya know? Busy keeps your head free from troubling things like - life - dealing with things that you try to keep buried - things you don't like or want to think about but - there's a price because then you get so wrapped up in what you're doing that you forget important things - like friends - keeping in touch. Idk - maybe I'm just so used to not having any

Thought about becoming a forum supporter - got half way through the application before anxiety kicked in to remind me that I'm a moron and have no business doing something like that - Idk - alot of times lately words just seem to fail me - the new rules make me nervous too - Idk - it's hard to explain and there's too much of a double standard to alot of things - do this - not that - well ok thats right but don't do it that way. It's like Idk - you write for yourself but yet it's for other people too - Idk if that makes sense. Allmost as if we're judged by our idle words - Idk if that makes sense either lol

Kodie has been doing pretty good - she hasn't been coughing much - I think it's the cooler weather helping that. She eats and drinks and gets silly laying in the yard - I know it's just a matter of time so I'm grateful for the extra time we have with her - I do still wonder if we've fooled ourselves into thinking she'll be ok

It's breezy out today and the leaves are falling like crazy - I don't even want to think about how close winter is - nature is saying it could be a rough one by the size and amount of the acorns and walnuts. We didn't even really get together any firewood this year - cut a few trees down but it's not seasoned yet - Idk might need to just use the propane again - and try to better next spring - it was easier. God spring seems like a lifetime away doesn't it?

We see ... we do ... everything. But we're blind sometimes. We see how it was and how it is now and even though it's in the past you can still feel the pain and confusion. Do we all want too much? Do we ask for things that are just simply too far out of reach? We all really just want to be heard here but is anyone - does anyone actually listen? How can wounds be soothed if they aren't really cared for? Depending on how deep they are, a mere bandaid doesn't suffice. If we don't learn from mistakes, we're destined to repeat them. I feel that this is what's happening now. How can someone say they hear you, if they don't even acknowledge you? Shall we just assume? Most of us come to our own assumptions and conclusions anyway, perhaps that's what we're doing now. We'll assume we were heard and come to the conclusion that you simply don't care. I can't help but wonder why I do. Do you not see the importance? Do you not understand? Or is it simply a case of sacrificing a few, to save many? Perhaps it's best to not ask questions when you want to dictate the answers. There will always be a few that will challenge the status quo, perhaps it's because they see a bigger picture then you do. Perhaps it's because they have a bigger investment or a greater need, I don't know. At the same time, when all the voices are saying the same thing, there has to be some merit to it. We all want to believe we have worth somewhere inside us. A thought just came to mind, perhaps you feel you're better then everyone else, that could just be assumption on my part. I'll let you draw your own conclusions.

So I'm having a serious problem with anxiety right now. Bad enough I thought about a chat room - I never go into chat rooms. Things is - sometimes I checkout - so there's that. Plus - I had no idea which one was ok for anxiety - thought about a listener but - I have bad luck with those - so here I am. Pacing lol

Thing is Idk where its coming from or what's causing it. It chills and then comes back with a vengeance - thought maybe writing would help - but Idk - still pacing - movement is keeping it from blowing up the whole way - so maybe a walk

She would call every day after school. Like clock work you could set you watch by her. She wanted to make sure you were there. God forbid should you not answer the phone when it rang. That mistake was made once. You had to be sure that every morning before you left you had your key to unlock the door. But children forget things sometimes don't they? They misplace things, set them down and forget to pick them back up. There was always so many chores that had to be done before you could leave for school. It's easy to understand why a small detail like a key could be forgotten. Oh it was remembered as soon as the door clicked shut on your way out. The day was spent feeling nothing but fear for what would happen at the end of the day when you got home and couldn't get in the house. Getting yelled at through out the day by teachers for not paying attention didn't help. There was a short time period in which you had to walk the half mile from the bus stop to the house. There was no time to fool around on the way home. No stopping to admire an interesting bug, no playing. You knew that as soon as you walked in the house the phone would ring. It was a routine, You walk there, unlock the door and answer the phone. Afterward, you had chores. You take the dogs out, you feed them and then you started supper. But you have no key. The simplest solution in your mind is to break a window. So you did, The decision was made in almost no time at all. It was... a logical deduction. Windows break easier then doors. It really didn't matter how you got in, you just knew you had to answer that phone! So the bathroom window was broken, as you slide down the wall into the tub you hear the phone begin to ring. Racing through the house just in time to answer. Yes, you still got beat for breaking the window, but it was nothing compared to what would have come if she would have had to fume for the hour or so before she left work to come home. Working herself up into a rage. Oh, she could rage couldn't she? You never forgot your key again.

I think I've had this headache all year. It just never goes away. Stress - roladexing. Been feeling trapped. Dread. Depressed. Of course anxiety is the side dish. Anger - anger seems like all of a sudden it's just there - all good stuff. Arguing - alot. Doc Z says its because there's so much stress - there's a whole lot of short fuses and so much emotion right now - idk

Wondering about pushing - just push past - push through - push aside. I guess I feel like I should be farther along with this crap. Like I'm miles behind everyone else and failing miserably to catch up

I thought I found a small spot of hope but it was short lived - short term and now reality is hanging over my head. Tbh - I think I'm holding it rather then it hanging over my head as tight as the muscles are. I mean - we know it can't get better. We just bought a few extra days. But Idk - I think sometimes we lie to ourselves. Maybe do what everyone else does and ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. If you don't acknowledge it - it isn't really there. Out of sight - out of mind. But reality is a sneaky bastard isn't it?

Restless alot - crawl out of your skin - need to move restless. Sorry - guess maybe I should have put a bounce warning on this. There allways seems to be a nauseous feeling in my stomach. Things are forgotten sometimes as soon as they're thought of. Time is lost like crazy - I'm not sure where it goes or who takes it - sometimes I'm not sure if I care. Thoughts of life isn't fair - when was it ever? Idk - this anger. Suspicion - paranoia and a serious trust issue. God I won't even get into the issue with teeth lately. Now to post all this - so I can feel like an idiot for sharing. Did I miss anything? Good - cause I feel sick

Hmmm..... Have you ever noticed that about the time someone says that they aren't trying to do something, that is usually the time you realize that's exactly what they just did?

I can't help but wonder at all the ways I may be doing things wrong. I often feel as though I am fundamentally different from the others. I simply do not feel things the way the others do. My dreams are often replays of things I have witnessed, but I'm also witnessing myself and the reaction or lack there of. It's some what hard to explain. It's almost as though I'm made of stone. I've very rarely felt anxiety, I don't have moments where I joke or make light of things and I'm not sure if I've even felt anger, mild irritation at most. I mostly seem to feel depression, a heaviness, ever constant and present. I have two roles, a caretaker and a protector and I try to do both to the best of my ability, but as of late I don't think I've been doing a very good job at either.

Our host, whom you all know as J, has gone into hiding at the moment. Our persecutor was out for close to three days, I believe and J hasn't been seen or heard from since. In her time out, she blasted our therapist with emails, racked up charges on credit cards and called people that have been sworn off. The house was a mess and the fire in the greenhouse left to go out and those are just a few things. I know that for quite a while J has been feeling like a failure in so many ways and I know he really doesn't like when she comes out. So I'm afraid that he's also taken this as more evidence as failure at his attempts to control things. I do believe that she has been waiting for this opportunity. She always has enjoyed making a bad situation worse. Always be careful when you ask what else could possibly go wrong, because life has a way of showing you just what else can.

Lately most thoughts have been on family...and betrayal. The lack of trust regarding people. Perhaps it's because of the holidays, knowing that many of them will be gathering around the same table. Each person watchful and wary. Mindful of their tones, their words. The delicate dance that they do around one another. Poisonous snakes mimicking one another. Most of the time I don't give any of this a thought. I feel almost nothing for them but occasionally they do enter my thoughts. I even found myself reading passages out of the bible on betrayal.
Everything we deal with, everything that we learn as children, shapes the world for us. It helps mold us into who we are as adults. But we didn't have the most gentlest of teachers did we? In many ways, they were cruel and contradicting, always changing the rules.

It's been quite some time since I have fronted this long and I am more aware of the other's now then I was before. I see now, yes I do and I can see why J has issues at times. The thoughts and word insertion. Thoughts and words disappearing in the blink of an eye, often in the middle of a sentence and I'm left scrambling for a suitable substitute. To make matter's worse, No Doctor Z until January 8th. Granted we're still allowed and encouraged to email. To be completely honest, I believe this hostile take over by the RQ was planned. She's always watching and she saw an opportunity and she took it. She does seem to influence many things or tries to. To get through to her some how, I think that might be the key. If she can stop, I think things would be so much better.

I hope this new year will be much better and different then this past year. That these lock down rules can be cut back and we can go back to arguing about whether or not we should actually go to therapy, as opposed to calling. Being able to do the art therapy again. To gain back what I fear we're slowly losing, or perhaps we've already lost it. Surely what was lost can be found again.

I'm grateful for the encouragement I have received from people here. The acceptance I've received and the understanding, make me feel more comfortable. It might be hard for some people to understand the thoughts I may have about not existing. While I am my own person, I'm well aware of the fact that I am part of someone else. In normal conditions, I wouldn't be here. Reality can be so confusing at times. From our inner world to the real outside world. While both are beautiful and full of wonder and amazement, sometimes I catch myself thinking this can't be real, but they both feel real and yet, unreal at the same time. It's hard at times to keep myself from thinking this can't be possible. I think at times my senses are in shock. J...please.

I've been debating whether I should write or not. I'm deeply disappointed and frustrated. I'm helpless to do anything about it. There was something I had planned to do here. Something I had thought or hoped might be beneficial to a few people, one in particular. I'm too late. Why am I always too late? I should be able to foresee some of these things. Am I just sitting back waiting for things to work themselves out? I'm not blind, I suppose I do see and I often feel as though I should step in, that I should say something but I act too late. Why is that?

I've discussed before, the people who come here seeking support and the fact that they are often disappointed. There are people who give and give to this community who get nothing in return. They're hopeful that they might make a connection with people. Hopeful to be heard, to be accepted, to be understood. What if it never comes for them? What if they leave as a result, with just more evidence as to what all is wrong with them? There is an immense difference between taking a selfcare break and leaving because you feel you are so broken you can't fit in. You feel that you're only good enough because of how helpful you are, how useful people see you. Is it because of the roles they take here? Do people see them in these roles and feel that things are all better for them and that they no longer need support? I see so many time that people seem to mix roles. Listeners shouldn't go into check in's or even thread's seeking support for themselves. You may think i'm wrong to say that, but it's actually a rule here I believe. Thats why they suggest that most listeners have a member account. When people come in seeking support under their listener account, it blurs the boundary lines. It's hard to approach a listener for support when you may have seen them in another thread looking for support. Should it be the same for member's? I often see member's under their member account doing official work here. I guess some of the reason I bring this up is because of what I was planning and I've been wondering if it would be best to open a listener account so that the roles can be kept separate. Yet, I don't necessarily want to do private chats. I'd just like to keep the roles apart. To keep those lines from being blurry, because I wonder if that's what caused all the problems for the other people.

How do I explain the sense of failure I feel? How can I explain the sense of responsiblity I feel for the pain J's disapperance has caused. I know we shouldn't be responsible for other people's feelings but it seems to be really hard when you feel that things you've done or failed to do may have contributed to what they're feeling. Should we not own our part in it? I have no idea.

It's not wrong to want to belong. It's not wrong to hope people will reach out to you, it's not wrong to crave understanding or compassion. I know that there are people here with more serious issues and most likely that isn't what this site was originally created for. It was, if I remember correctly, created because the owner needed someone to talk to. But what if out of all the people who come here, in the end you have no one to talk to. To spend time writing a post on your thoughts and feelings, to have some listener say thank you for sharing. My god, we used to offer people more. We used to offer our friends more. Life gets in the way. Our own issues get in the way. We become so focused on ourselves that we lose sight of other people that we care about. Even if they are just online avatars. They are still people behind the screens. People with hopes and dreams and wants. Desires to be accepted, to be checked up on. Whether the issues are what was intended here or not, it shouldn't change the reason this place was first created and that was for people to be heard. We need to fix this. We need to stop looking at it as this is how it is, like it or leave it.

I think there are cliques here. Which is ok unless their intent is to run someone else out. While there may not be any definite proof, it isn't hard to see if you read between the lines. It's easier when there is silence. Silence isn't what you would think it is. Silence speaks louder than words, it often says what words alone can't. Silence can affect your self worth, your self esteem. Silence can be the worst form of punishment.

I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to make things right. I don't know what to do with this frustration. How do we find our way? I thought this would make me feel better, but it hasn't. If anything, I think it added to my frustration, the depression. It's added to my feeling of loss, was I foolish to think I had nothing to lose? How many live's has this affected?