my little experience

hi everyone hope you are all doing great im here to share my story maybe its not that much and maybe you are all going through harder things but hope that this makes anybody h=who feels less than the other people and has a shaking character to get better , since i was really young i was a total entrovert no friends or any thing my aunts where letrally toxic and made me be in alot of problemes the never let me play with my cousins utilll i tell them what happens in my huase between father and mother and i felt like lying and talking bad about my own mom gave me the attention i wanted and thats was the first red flag on my life then somehow i cant really remember but since kindergarden i watched pronography and copy what they do with me dolls and that was a kind of trauma and addiction when i grew bigger when i went to the primry school no one warnned me from the social pyramid and that i shouldnt be naive and trust every body so it was kina problem too i didnt have any friends i tried hard to make i triesd givving them candy chips all of my money just to have company and even this didnt work the only thing that mattered is your grades and how much aura you have and i was ofcourse distracted all the time and barely passed untill....... the last year of prep school i felt like i am the only one who has nothing that makes me special letrally all of my class had to be a top student even once and i have nothing but mr songs and my love to learn languages i didnt have a life changing moment like how social media wanted i just made just one step to control something in my life and started slowly paying attention to my study life i told my self if there is no friends at least there will be me that year was a nightmare i had struggeled alot because os studying problems and sever anxiety but i started to recognize that all of that years i have followed *** nonsense and friends come when you chose your self first and surprisingly i got from the top 5 at the end of that year it was a shock for me and my family and here comes high school i did well at the 1st year of high school too and became from the top 5 too i got ego and i was kindof popular the polite top student girl and this had me feel that i have too meet thier expectations and somr ting to add i really get affected to what others say and my uncle said that you got to be a top student by luck so at the secound year of high school i didnt get i really good mark and that made me fear te third year at the third year i letrally gave up studying cause i still have my anxiety where i get pannic attack and i didnt take it any more i told my self that grades doesnt matter that much i protested againist all the rules but now i wish i haddent do that because with all that free time i got back to watching pornography but now with morre like wasting 20 h hours a day on it but once when i was watching my eyes darkened i searched and found out that this is a defence mechanism when your body feels that what you are doing is wrong i the decided that yes i am not going to let any bodys words decide who iam and i will do what makes me happy with out worrying about grades and thats when i found this site that provided me with peace and safety and here iam not realy the top student but a least i have something that makes me wake up with a spark on my eye and please pray for me cause my exams are tomorrow💜