I’m not doing well
First post. Very bad week. Post starts here. -> I have had an issue with alcohol since I was 20-21. I have had the issue all while having pretty decent jobs that require me to be present, which I have excelled at. I have stayed in school. I had relationship. But I drink alone. It’s 9/10 always wine. Pinot Grigio to be exact. I spoke up about needing help last fall and my family was supportive enough to send me to the best rehab facility in my state. I was sober for those 30 days. I thought it stuck. I made it to 45 days, drank 1 day, then made it 60 days. Since then, I have I have “relapsed” so many times that it not even relapse anymore, it’s the norm. I drink daily. I hate it about myself but I cannot stop. I walk around with enormous guilt for continuing something I know I should stop but somehow can’t. How is this my life now?
I recently had blood work done to check my general health but also my liver. Last fall at the rehab facility it was good, normal. I got a call yesterday that my liver enzymes are elevated, and that they are running further tests from the blood they already have. Basically… I think I’m looking at fatty liver disease, liver disease, or cirrhosis.
I don’t want to d!e and I am confident I can stop this time. But I am numb right now because I feel like I have blown through all my chances. I may have screwed up big time. I’m disappointed in myself and I’m sad.
Just wanted to vent in a community that may understand. Wish me luck.
I wish you luck on your medical results. I wouldn't feel too bad about relapsing after rehab. I don't have first hand experience, but it seems like most people aren't 'fixed' after rehab. Rehab centers are a business like everything else. There's an incentive to have repeat clients, because they make more money from it. Don't get me wrong. I think there are people there who genuinely want to see your life improved by living a sober life.
There's only so much other people can do for you though. They can show you the path, but only you can take the steps. Only you can stop yourself from buying and consuming alcohol. You'll have to find a new way to cope with your emotions. Most importantly, you'll have to be your own motivation and encouragement.
I'm a big hypocrite because I need to do these things for myself as well. But I hope this message still does something for you. Regardless, please don't focus on your past failures as something that defines you. Use them to remind you of what can happen if you give in to your addictions. I hope things work out for you in the future.
Best wishes, Cain
I second the other person everything I’ve read and experienced tells me most people relapse after rehab. I would ask does that place have partial hospitalization or outpatient? Ime they’re the ones who really help you.
