I don’t know how to cope any other way.. please help me
TW: Dog death, DV, Drug abuse, Fire.
I have been using drugs since I (F25) was 14 years old. It started off with weed and Adderall. It progressed to almost anything I could get my hands on. Around 21 I discovered a benzo you could buy online at the time so it made it super accessible, and I went CRAZY with it. Ended up getting with a guy the same year who ended up choking me, holding me hostage, hitting me etc. We were together 4 years. During this, I smoked heavily. Took xanax too. We had gotten a dog together in the beginning. She was my whole world. My protector. She was the reason I stayed so long to be honest. I loved her so much. Well in November of 2024, I almost died. He drank a whole cup of alcohol and then held me down, choked me, yelled in my face (literally nose to nose) I barely got to my phone to call my mom to help me. She's the reason I'm alive today. He started running after my mom to her car, that gave me just enough time to put on clothes and grab my dog. He chased after us. He grabbed my baby girl and pulled her away from me then started to chase after me. I fortunately made it to the car, but I didn't have my dog. I tried to make peace with this, but 6 days later their house burnt and my dog died. My only source of happiness died. I am haunted by the thought of her wondering where I was because I had to leave for my safety. I have been abusing weed everyday, xanax once a week, those viva zen gas station pills occasionally. I do not feel good without being high. Its been about 9 months and everything still hurts. I don't function most days. What steps can anyone recommend to start getting away from coping with drugs? I need to do something different because I'm losing hope.
@conscientiousMoon9562
Thank you for opening up. What you’ve been through is beyond heartbreaking and the fact that you’re still here still speaking, still trying shows an unbelievable amount of strength. Please don’t underestimate that. You survived an incredibly traumatic relationship, one that threatened not just your safety but your spirit. On top of that, losing your dog your one source of comfort, protection, and unconditional love in such a devastating way, is a grief most people can’t even begin to understand. That kind of pain doesn’t just go away. It lives in your bones. And I want you to know, it’s okay that you’re not okay. Using drugs to cope doesn't make you weak or broken. It means you were trying to survive the only way you knew how in a world that kept hurting you and even now, you're self-aware enough to see that this path isn’t healing you anymore. That’s not failure. That’s a spark a quiet, persistent part of you that still wants to live, that still believes in something better, even if it feels far away. You deserve more than just surviving. You deserve to heal. That healing won’t be fast and it won’t be clean, but it is possible. You're allowed to take the tiniest steps steps like:
* Talking to a trauma-informed therapist who understands addiction and abuse.
* Joining a support group (online or in person) where you can be seen and heard by people who’ve walked through fire too.
* Replacing one moment a day just one of numbing with something else. A bath. A song. Writing a letter to your dog. Crying. Anything that brings you into your body without judgment. You don’t have to “fix” everything all at once. You just need to start showing up for yourself in small ways and about your dog she knew you loved her. She felt that love every day you stayed and every day you protected her. The fact that you were trying to save both of you says everything about your heart. I believe with all my soul that she understood, and that if she could speak to you right now, she’d say, “Keep going. Keep living. For both of us.” You are not beyond saving. You are not too broken. There is a life outside of this. And you are already on the way there just by saying, “I need to do something different.”
Hold on. You matter and you are not alone.
Thank you... Genuinely. I really needed to hear this. Ive been shaming myself because it still hurts after 9 months.
I'm so sorry for all you've been through! I understand. I try not to numb but some days are impossible. Things that do work for me.... talking to family mostly about other things, helps me to stay grounded and reminds me of purpose. Immersing myself in something I love or gives me pride...art reading. Inspiring documentaries. Also my sister is a therapist and when my best friend committed suicide she recommended doing things with my hands. I made my first Christmas wreath! Little things go a long way. Baby steps. Keep trying to you get there. And never guilt yourself if you slide... you're human!