It’s getting harder to breathe

I’ve been told that children shouldn’t be seen but heard by my mother. She never told me that before but she said she’s heard it growing up. I never thought my mother would believe that but as I gotten older I have realized the neglect. I don’t want to list all the “problems” she did but I never thought I was being abused because I didn’t have physical scars. I always thought neglect was physical. One thing that stood out to me is she ignored my teachers who knew I had ADHD and tried to get me help but she declined bc she thought they were “trying me make me seem stupid” I never thought I had adhd until I heard someone talk about it and talked to my high school psychologist and has said it’s been documented since I was in elementary school and gave me a packet of documentation from teachers notes to charts. she knew without trying to help me. She used to talk behind my back about me being a problem and i needed to be sent away bc she couldn’t figure me out. She wouldn’t talk to me all day until it was time to go to bed or go to school. I never knew this wasn’t normal behavior, I always thought I deserved it one way or the other then take it out on myself with sh and a ed because I truly believed I was a stain needed to be scrummed away. I didn’t have friends in elementary school so I was alone and had no one to talk to about my problems. I was always convinced by my father that if I ever talked about what happened at home it was my fault if people called the police or cps. I thought I had friends but come to find out I didn’t bc they rejected me for other people. I always felt alone so I turned to weed to help me relax my mind but I just got addicted. I don’t want to say it helps but it does help me sleep kinda bc i usually take hours to fall asleep or wake in the middle of the night. Lately it hasn’t gotten easy. I’ve tried to get diagnosed for my mental health but i was recommended to the wrong doctor and my current doctor is moving locations. I’m in collage and I wanted to see if I could get accommodations but I need to be diagnosed and it’s a year wait list and I’ll be out by then. I’m worried as I get more into the school year I’m going to struggle and I was never good at doing homework because my mother would help me but usually that turned into a screaming match. I’m struggling and my parents don’t see that at all and it angers me but I can’t express that to them because I have and gotten the crazy card pulled on me. I want to be better than them. I want to do better and act better but it’s hard to when this is the environment. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I used to draw and create what ever I could learn but now I don’t have motivation to even get out of bed. I have so many bad memories that keep me up trying to figure everything out to make sense of it all. I wish I was drinking and smoking with my ex friend but she’s a ex for a reason. I want to run away but I have no where to go so I sit in my room, smoking and trying to make sense of my homework. I don’t know if I can keep looking to the stars for hope or beg the moon to send me to a better place. All I can do for now is fill my lungs with smoke and listen to some Amy or Gaga.