Looking at What I Was

****Trigger Warning for spousal abuse and the reality of what alcoholism can do to a person*****

When I was twenty three years old I got married to my ex-wife, about three weeks later she lost her job. She struggled finding work: she was fired from Burger King, Fired from 7-11, and fired from Kids-R-Us for showing up drunk to work.

One day she decided that she wasn’t going to work anymore and would stay at home, do the trad-wife thing in her head I guess; she didn’t let me in on it. She just gave up trying and sat on the couch drinking beer all day.

My ex-wife went years without a proper Cluster-B Personality Disorder, to this day I don’t think she’s properly medicated, but she was incredibly abusive.

She shoved me into our entertainment center knocking me down and getting my back sliced up on an edge. She would have blind fits of rage, where she would scream at me for hours. She would punch and kick me, and I’m not talking about hits to the shoulder like it’s a joke. I’m saying she would get *** because I asked her to get a job and she balled up her fist and punched me in the head. The police were called and that’s a whole other story but I didn’t get arrested or anything.

All the while I was drinking though. I would drink to numb the pain. I didn’t have to care that she found random people on the street and let them live in our house rent free. I didn’t have to hear the yelling, or worry about being hit. She would throw plates and knives at me, I could drink until I passed out and not even worry about it. I didn’t have to worry about being the only person in a house of five people who had a job because I was high functioning and had a good career/job. I would drink all night, usually a twelve pack, or an eighteen pack if I had a particularly bad day, in addition I would have to have beer for the ex-wife. Wake up for work, vomit, again in the shower, again before driving, sometimes on the way to work on the highway or something, and if I had an episodic night I would just call in.

I filled an entire detached single car parking garage with bags upon bags of crushed up beer cans. I was so depressed and desperate to get out, but I was living paycheck to paycheck thinking that one day she would snap out of it or that I could fix everything or something.

I’m recovering now-after the divorce I was able to cut down to about a six pack a day, ten years after that I am two years sober. My living area is clean, I’m in a healthy relationship, I have good hygiene and I can’t believe how polar opposite my lifestyle is compared to then.

I wish I could go into more specific details, but I’m a little short on time and wanted to get this out. I’m a firm believer that the worst drugs in this world are the legal ones. If you’re struggling with alcoholism and/or an abusive relationship, please don’t give up. Find a meeting, just find someone to talk to, talk to me! Just don’t take that drink.