Meth addiction and psychosis
I've been using speed of some kind since I was 13, I am 39 now. I started with diet pills and Adderall then crank and now ice. Speed has been a part of my life and who I am for so long that I don't know what to do with myself when I try to get and stay sober. I've been in recovery for 3 years now because I have hallucinations and delusions and need to be medicated. But I'm a frequent relapser. When I'm sober I feel so depressed and worthless. Like, I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know who to be. I used to be a good family member and friend then I was a junkie shooting up and lost everything I had and everything I was as a person. Now that I'm trying to figure things out it's hard to find anything that I care about anymore. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I try to write still to help work through my past and I work on being kind to people. But I have few friends and family that are willing to reconnect with me and a bunch of *** people from active addiction that still try to disrespect me and I have had to walk away from a lot of people even though I want to be friends with some people, I don't want to risk the progress I've been making. My illness makes it hard to trust people and I am so sick of people who only want to hook up (aka one night stands type stuff). I deserve to have at least a friendship and my hallucinations make anything like that hard to do. People think that I'm making it up but I hear things and feel things that aren't there and I don't want to hook up with anyone when it triggers my hallucinations. It's hard for me to make friends with people and I don't know what to do. People always talk about how brave and strong people with mental health issues are until they have an episode and they refuse to be touched and start talking back to nothing and so forth then people don't know how to handle it or they get frightened. It frightens me too! But I don't get to walk away from my illness when I can't handle it! I feel so isolated and alone and misunderstood. It's next to impossible for me to try to make a lasting connection with anyone new. Any suggestions on how to make friends or how to try to date with my problems? I deserve to be respected and loved and understood. But I normally shut down and self isolate when things don't go so well. I know I'm not as emotionally mature as I should be and I'd love to talk to someone who could help me with that and with learning to better communicate rather than shut down. Thanks everyone.
@Yosheena
You don't deserve to be respected and loved absolutely.
Your feelings are valid and relevant.
You have been through so much.
Your sobriety and healing are crucial .
You are more than what your addiction and mental health say about you.
It's not easy to stay clean but you are doing it, one day at a time and you should be proud of yourself for that 💜💕
Thank you for that. It's something I have to remind myself everyday. Some days are harder than others. I'm almost off probation and I don't have any other trouble and I plan to stay away from any new trouble. But I get so lonely sometimes. I appreciate you being so kind to me.
@Yosheena
You are welcome 💜
I'm battling addiction also.. it's the hardest thing ever I feel for you and know what your going thro.. I'm here for you yosheena.. I'd love to be your friend!
What is your doc? I'd love to be friends. 𥰠A lot of people think that addiction is a choice but they don't understand how hard it is to stay clean. Most days I don't feel normal when I don't use. But I feel guilty when I do. I've been abandoned by my family and since I've been trying to do recovery that means I don't have many friends left either. I thought recovery would be so nice but it's been depressing and isolating. And I don't want to give up but I've been trying for 3 years now and I still struggle with staying clean. I can get clean but then I always seem to relapse. And when I'm sober I don't feel like doing anything.
I feel the same way as I am struggling to stop slipping up n using when I know it’s no good for me! It’s just the only time I feel like I want to converse with other ppl n it makes me super motivated to do things I normally don’t want to do so I get it when u said u have no interest or hobbies. I don’t either anymore but I’m trying to find some n idk if u believe in God or not but He’s helped me the most. I used to have racing intrusive thoughts with paranoia n delusions n all sorts of other disorders but some how it all just stopped one day after praying as much as I possibly could. I don’t have the best connection with God but it had to be Him to totally take all that away from me. I’m also now on an injection called invega n it has totally changed my life. My head is actually peaceful now but I do think u deserve happiness n love n friendship n I’ll talk to u if u ever need a friend n I don’t want anything but respect n kindness back. I hope things really do get better for u but know there is hope bc im walking proof! Take care n much love to you!
Funny thing about all that... One of my persistent delusions is that I think I'm friends with the devil himself. He seems like an average person until you get to know him and see all the strange things that happens around him and because of him... And it was only after that did I think that there must be something else out there that is full of love and not hate. I found God by believing in the devil. I also think that God has abandoned me because I'm a drug addict and a failure. But the devil doesn't want me around. I think he only used me until I was too much of a sinner and now he has my daughter. He also had my mother and I believe that he was the reason she was murdered in 2009. There's a lot more to the delusions than just that but I don't really like talking about it because I'm afraid that I will make it more real or something. If that makes sense. My hallucinations also fees into the delusions and I swear I hear him hurting her and her calling out for me to help save her but I can't because I'm trapped by his evil magic and my sins. Oddest part of the entire thing is that I'm part native American and I don't even believe in God and the devil. I was raised to respect mother nature and the cosmic forces. Smh.
Side note here, I've been through a lot of abuse and abandonment and I've lost a lot of family and friends to death (actually dead) and then to addiction (them leaving my life but are still alive). I've been homeless and on the streets but have gotten to a better place in my life recently. I missed out on my child's preteen and teenager years and I have been lucky enough to be in contact with her within the last year or so. But I'm still afraid that maybe the person I see as her may not be the real her. I hear her voice as part of my hallucinations and it is terrible. I try to tell myself that the voice is my guilt and the other her is the only real one. But I hate myself for not being there but I'm also proud to have sacrificed that time so that my illness and addiction didn't harm her even more. I made some tough choices and I have found a path towards the right direction and she doesn't hate me. I'm proud of my strength to be where I am today and I recently had an idea that her voice is like a beacon keeping me on the right path to her and to God. Because if there is a God it would be closest to that innocent, beautiful child and further away from the drugs and evil delusions.