Misuse of Substances
That's me. I misuse them. I honestly am starting to think when my dad passed, I just leaned way hard into them. That was a long time ago. Then things improved in my life and so I didn't really drink and I definitely wasn't smoking weed. Then a few years back just everything crumbled and so I did too, again. And this time it's been feeling like a million times harder to crawl out. I lost my ID this weekend. Just like come on. Can I just stop being like this? It's not me. I know it's not me. But alas, here I am anyways. It feels like it's become habitual, almost like autopilot. And that digs at me, I don't like that.
@HealingWithin111
You've been through so much.
You see human.
And sometimes we find comfort in the wrong things.
And it can take hold over us.
But you can do different.
It won't be easy.
But one day at a time 💚
Thank you. I struggle a lot with self compassion and grace, so thank you for showing me how.
@HealingWithin111 I’m really glad you said this out loud.
The way you described it makes a lot of sense. When your dad passed, you leaned into substances. Then life stabilized and you didn’t need them as much. Then things fell apart again and you reached for what had worked before. That’s not you being broken. That’s your brain trying to survive pain the only way it knew how.
Autopilot can feel scary. Like you’re watching yourself do things you don’t even agree with. But habits form around relief. If drinking or smoking once helped numb grief or chaos, your brain remembers that shortcut.
The fact that you’re saying “this isn’t me” tells me something important. There’s still a clear part of you that knows who you are underneath this pattern.
Losing your ID feels like such a small thing, but when you’re already overwhelmed it hits like proof that everything is unraveling. It’s not proof. It’s just a rough weekend. This doesn’t erase who you are. It just means you’re stuck in a coping loop that got stronger over time. Loops can be unlearned, especially when you’re this aware of them.
You’re not hopeless. You’re tired. And there’s a difference.
Wow okay this brought literal tears to my eyes.
This made me feel really seen and heard and understood instead of shamed like ppl have done to me in the past.
Thank you so much.
I definitely need to take a moment to take this all in.
I'm using heavy to cope with my husband's death. But I've always been a drug addict. My whole life.