Please just try to understand me, not try to help me
Im not able to describe how im feeling at the moment, I wrote a text once that describes it pretty accurate I think.
I wanna share that with humanity hoping people can maybe know if i did some kind of damage to my brain by abusing substance.
(Tw: Please dont read this if u dont think u can handle bad words or suicidal stuff or addiction, I dont wanna trigger something in some people.)
"my head is not okay anymore, ive been doing it too much, sometimes i feel like a different life form that is not known by earth, ive been awake for almost 3 days, i lost myself, and my much of my emotions, i stopped thinking about the dosage, im just chasing the high, in the last 3 days i ate 3 fries and 2 breads with cheese. i cant eat anything else, and it still is disgusting... everything tastes so bad for me, even the gum i have taste disgusting. i cant identify myself as a human anymore if im not part of the humanity now. everybody that are really trying to help me, can just tell me to search for help because they live far away. but my brain wont allow it somehow.
If i (happends rare) think, i think alot, so much i cant keep up with it, my thoughts are very fast and random, and then leaving my memory in 1-2 seconds.
my head changes moods out of nowhere for no reason, i dont have any control. i got physically very weak"
Right now it is my 4th night staying awake even tho im sober from the daytime till now, okay not really im still consuming cannabis. but it helps me to calm down for a bit if im in this god like episode..but im currently in a phase of what i call brain static, and still smoked as an attempt of sleeping, wich is not working.
It is 01:12 while im writing this part of the Text, and I have to wake up at 04:20 to get ready for work. I can eat something, wich is not healthy. only damn Sour gummy bears, they taste so *** good and they burn in my mouth cause of the wounds I have in it.
Should I lie to my dad and say i think im deppressed because my best friend left me and it caused me having sleeping issues?
He would never understand me, he doesnt understand addiction. I tried telling him about my cannabis addiction back then, now I magically have to stop because of my drivers license ???
And he once told me if I do any other drug, I would have to move back with my mom.i dont want back to my mom.private reason.
(I think i might be a crisis, and im known what could be the consiquences of my substance abuse.
But I dont want any help, i just wanna be understood and want to share experience to teach people that want to know or people who sadly got on this dark path.)
Please tell me if this is a good lie to act sick for work, I need to sleep but 3 hours isnt gonna do it now and I dont even know if im actually gonna fall asleep, even tho I feel a bit tired for the first time again now.
Or it's just my eyes feeling weird because I didn't sleep, I dont know but I will find out.
@ICantThinkOfAnyNames
Thank you for sharing this. You don’t need to explain everything perfectly for it to be real or valid. The way you described what you’re feeling—through your own words, your own writing—is more than enough to show that you’re going through something deep, intense, and incredibly human.
You don’t sound broken. You sound like someone who’s been carrying too much for too long, someone trying to make sense of it all the only way they know how. It’s okay to not want help. It’s okay to just want to be heard and understood without someone trying to fix you. So I’ll just say this: I hear you. Your story matters. Your experience matters. And you're not the only one who's felt this way.
I’m glad you’re still here. That alone means more than you know.
Much love,
Kayla 💕🌈
Heyy, I think I understand you...because I went through it myself.
You are not alone
I completely understand this. the amount of times i stayed up and felt too sick to work or could finally fall asleep a few hours before work or overslept is countless.. i lost 3 jobs due to my addiction BUT im glad that i at least let my body rest, i believe that even the smallest act of self care matters in addiction.
I wish you the best
I was going to post about me and my addiction rn cuz I'm walking around in the wasteland of my head, but I think you just wrote it for me. I feel this to my core. I guess im not completely alone. I understand you, and I see you. Please keep going, in whatever way you go, experience it, nothing more nothing less.. im gonna try too, that's all I can do
