Why do I drink?
I would not call myself an alcoholic just yet, but I am most certainly someone with an addictive personality. What I find now though is that alcohol is the only thing that is capable of soothing me. I want to stop because I know where this ends and I don't want to get cirrhosis of the liver or to be on dialysis for messed up kidneys or anything like that, but it's so hard to stop at the moment. I admittedly have abused alcohol before, but had become a bit more stable (only a beer or two per day) before entering my last relationship.
Since that relationship seems to be rapidly coming to an end, I've been drinking every day for the last month or so. This person made me feel whole even without alcohol. I had never felt so understood by someone before and had fully quit all of my vices, but she has her own issues and eventually all of that started coming to the surface in the way of communication difficulties that I'm still praying we find a way through so that I don't result to self-destruction. I know that is not fair to her and that is not love, but I am simply speaking my truth. I currently drink about 6 beers and a half pint of tequila every day to cope. There have been several days where I completely forget to eat, but never ever do I forget to drink.
I have tried mindfulness. I am very mindful, self-aware, and spiritual already. Meditation comes easy to me, so I don't think that is the problem here (they say that many spiritual leaders have been heavy alcoholics in private, but I digress). I make progress towards my passions and goals on a fairly consistent basis. I also work out daily and that seems to help a great deal but as soon as I get back home, I'm confronted by this massive void in my chest once again.
I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from... I've never been so reliant on any one substance, but in her increasing absence, alcohol seems to be the only thing that keeps the pain away. Perhaps that is the answer to my question: I am trying to numb the pain. I'm not sure, but I would like to seek some clarity on or solidarity here before I end up fully crashing out. I'm so scared of losing this person and don't know what I'm going to do with myself if (or when) she is completely gone from my life.
@UNDRGRND1 Change is hard. Running from the change doesn’t change its course. You say you don’t want to be sick from alcohol. That’s good! How about also looking past this very painful time, what will be on the other side? A void? No, no, no. Who would you like to be on the other side of this?
Thanks for the reply!
That's a really hard question to answer... I know who I want to be as far as my goals and dreams, but my addictions aren't stopping me from pursuing those things. I'm still keeping up with everything that's important to me for the most part.
I can say that the only thing that I crave at the moment is deep connection, and had yet to find it until recently. What that has to do with who I would like to be in the future, I'm not exactly sure. Perhaps you can shed some light on that for me.
@UNDRGRND1 Connection sounds like a good goal. Try googling the rat park theory of addiction. Perhaps try Meta meditation.