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UNDRGRND1
1 7,950 M Moving Along 8
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts334 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes32 Current upvotes32 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceOctober 23, 2021
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Certainty is my worst enemy.

Recent forum posts
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I need help
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by UNDRGRND1
Last post
 January 2nd, 2024
...See more This is probably the first time in my life I have dated to utter this phrase, even through text. I will die soon if I do not find a way to navigate past this because I do not care for life and am content to drink myself into oblivion. I have nothing else to say, I'm just hoping that admitting this here will begin some sort of healing.
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(TW: Self-harm) Tired of fighting
Addiction Support / by UNDRGRND1
Last post
 November 20th, 2023
...See more There's just not much to live for outside of addiction. I don't want kids and that seems like the only logical reason to want to become a mature adult. I tend to straighten up heavily while in relationships, but that's because love ends up as another type of addiction for me. I generally don't enjoy people and even my best friends speak to me maybe once a year, and that's only if I reach out to them. Whenever I go out and try to meet people or otherwise just socialize, I end up annoyed and frustrated to the point of retreating back into my addictions further. I'm so sensitive to absolutely everything. It is painful to exist. I try to exercise and meditate and take cold showers and such (all the practical stuff) but no matter how much I do to counteract this feeling, this endless empty feeling remains with me. The only things keeping me going are my addictions and the guilt associated with hurting my mother by taking her son away from her prematurely. I want help if it is possible, but mostly I just don't want to live.
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Ego Love vs Authentic Love
Relationship Stress / by UNDRGRND1
Last post
 November 4th, 2023
...See more I find myself highly conflicted on these two concepts and would like to inquire here about some thoughts regarding them. I understand that Ego love is based on the fulfillment of selfish desires while Authentic Love is based on selflessly striving the happiness of someone else. Still, the idea of selfless love seems to be a paradox of sorts in the context of a committed romantic relationship. The line for me is blurry. On one hand, I have my own set of wants and needs in a relationship, but on the other hand, I also want what's best for my partner (even if that means not being with me). It would seem then that a romantic relationship is a recipe for the inevitable clashing of egos between two people who are trying to get their personal needs met. After all, Ego is fundamental to life in general. To a great extent, the Ego is necessary for our individual survival. Ego protects us from harmful and abusive relationships and to have no Ego at all would be akin to dying. There is also the issue of attachment. Authentic Love can be defined as loving without attachment, but we can also reasonably assume that romance requires at least some attachment in order to maintain connection between partners. After all, what is the point of isolating any single commitment if we extend this same devotion to everyone else in our lives? What would distinguish a stranger from a partner? I find myself oscillating between these two "types of love" (assuming that the only true definition of love is Authentic Love) constantly. Of course I want my partner to be happy and successful no matter what, but I also have to make sure that my own personal needs in the relationship are being fulfilled. Is this what defines a committed relationship? The constant dance of ego flare-ups and subsequent ego dissolutions between willing participants? One could argue that I could get my physical and emotional needs consistently met by a culmination of several other parties instead of relying on one person to do such heavy lifting. What is the point of committing to a single individual then? Can anyone shed some light on this? I'm starting to lose faith in the overall concept of romance.
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Why do I drink?
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by UNDRGRND1
Last post
 November 3rd, 2023
...See more I would not call myself an alcoholic just yet, but I am most certainly someone with an addictive personality. What I find now though is that alcohol is the only thing that is capable of soothing me. I want to stop because I know where this ends and I don't want to get cirrhosis of the liver or to be on dialysis for messed up kidneys or anything like that, but it's so hard to stop at the moment. I admittedly have abused alcohol before, but had become a bit more stable (only a beer or two per day) before entering my last relationship. Since that relationship seems to be rapidly coming to an end, I've been drinking every day for the last month or so. This person made me feel whole even without alcohol. I had never felt so understood by someone before and had fully quit all of my vices, but she has her own issues and eventually all of that started coming to the surface in the way of communication difficulties that I'm still praying we find a way through so that I don't result to self-destruction. I know that is not fair to her and that is not love, but I am simply speaking my truth. I currently drink about 6 beers and a half pint of tequila every day to cope. There have been several days where I completely forget to eat, but never ever do I forget to drink. I have tried mindfulness. I am very mindful, self-aware, and spiritual already. Meditation comes easy to me, so I don't think that is the problem here (they say that many spiritual leaders have been heavy alcoholics in private, but I digress). I make progress towards my passions and goals on a fairly consistent basis. I also work out daily and that seems to help a great deal but as soon as I get back home, I'm confronted by this massive void in my chest once again. I'm trying to figure out where this is coming from... I've never been so reliant on any one substance, but in her increasing absence, alcohol seems to be the only thing that keeps the pain away. Perhaps that is the answer to my question: I am trying to numb the pain. I'm not sure, but I would like to seek some clarity on or solidarity here before I end up fully crashing out. I'm so scared of losing this person and don't know what I'm going to do with myself if (or when) she is completely gone from my life.
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Where am I?
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by UNDRGRND1
Last post
 April 6th, 2023
...See more Hello! I am a pseudo-closeted bisexual black male who is finally coming to terms with my sexuality as a whole. I have been having trouble with depression all my life but recently, it has taken me lower than ever have been before. I keep wondering if this miserable feeling has anything to do with not being fully outward or proud of my sexuality. It is the only rock that I have not turned over at this point. I do not currently have any friends -- largely due to the scars left after the betrayal from my last buddy group. When they discovered that I was queer, instead of confronting me about it, they proceeded to mock me in private for years. This has left me largely indifferent to friendship in general, but I must admit that I am struggling to find any reason to live without some type of community. As a child, I was bullied on a daily basis until some older boys took pity and taught me how to carry myself in a more masculine way. I internalized their advice and have had virtually no problems with being bullied ever since that day. That being said, carrying myself this way has become somewhat of a rigid shell, to the point where I have completely forgotten how to live without it. I think that my body is tired of putting on this front and would rather not exist in this realm anymore than continue to carry this burden. I sincerely hope that what I've written here resonates with someone because I am so very sick of being alone with these feelings.
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