All That's Been Lost
I've lost everything. I used to use to feel good. I never thought when I went to rehab ten years ago I'd still be a slave to addiction. I'm only 32 but it feels like if I don't stop now, I'll miss the chance to truly be happy in this lifetime.
To offset the symptoms of PTSD and the anxiety that comes with it, I end up using at some point. Uppers, downers, at some point I've been addicted to it all.
I have no family. My mom died, dad and brother disowned me when I came out, grandparents all dead.
My fiance left me two months ago and life has since been a downward spiral. I lost my car, then my job. I have no friends. I'm completely isolated without any sense of purpose or meaning. I'm gonna lose my apartment soon if I don't find a job.
I looked in the mirror today and I look so unhealthy. I've dropped at least 20 lbs, need haircut, nails trimmed. Who's going to hire me? How will I ever pass a drug test when I smoke weed? Why am I even trying when there's no one and nothing left worth saving?
If I could just learn to love myself again maybe things would be okay. I think that would be reason enough to quit for good.
My social anxiety has me scared to approach NA and AA, though the social support would do me some good. I downloaded this app today because I need to tell someone how desperately I want a substance free life. I need to admit that this is destroying my life and stop lying to myself and everyone else.
@dipsetnotion
Hello, I hope you have been able to approach NA or AA by this time. I think the fact that you recognize there is a problem is a great insight. Sometimes we can't even get to that point.
Do something good for you today like take a long hot shower or bath and trim your nails a lil, take care of yourself and make a sandwich. Eat each bite suuuuuuper slow and any time you think about cravings etc. Just focus on the sounds around you, the sound of slowly chewing, the taste of the sandwich etc. And then naps my friend, lots of naps! Maybe not while at work tho haha but still just don't overdo them they can make the craving phase stop sometimes even for a bit and try going outside and just walking don't bring any money w you except maybe enough for fare home if you need but no money no shit y'know? And just walk around and look at people and places etc just anything to take your mind off it and eventually go home and clean every fucking thing you can if you can even if it's just kinda straightening stuff etc just little things like that and before you know it the days fly by. And any time you do relapse remind yourself that you can try harder next time to avoid whatever put that substance back into your life, maybe don't go to that party or meet your dealer or etc wherever the triggers are or whoever the triggers are make sure you don't sabotage by being around them. And my final piece of advice is throw out anything you use that is involved with your substance pill bottles bottles of booze lighters ashtrays, they're all constant reminders that you don't need any more.