I feel stupid even calling it addiction
I have always had this struggle where I engage in extremely risky behavior and do things I know I shouldn't. This past year has been the hardest of my life, I lost my mom to breast cancer and I have no direction in my life. These past few days I have been taking relief by inhaling computer duster - which makes me feel like such a child and it's not even a real addiction but it takes me away from reality. My boyfriend says its really hard on him which I get because his brother struggles with heroin addiction, but I don't like the entire reason for me stopping to be because of him. It is definitely a reason, but I want to do it for myself and I feel like I don't have the agency to stop.
I am not sure how to bring myself back down to reality
@goollmooodmN I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through in this past year. Losing your mother and not knowing what direction your life is going sounds like it would be overwhelming and full of emotions. I can understand how you would find enjoyment out of inhaling computer dust. It sounds like it gives you a sense of joy that you feel that you need in your life. I can understand how this behavior could be difficult for your boyfriend who has personal experience with addiction in his family. It sounds like you want to be able to give this up. You can definitely do it with the right amount of motivation. You mentioned engaging in risky behavior in the past. What did you do back then to try to stop those behaviors?
@HopieRemi My past behaviors usually have led me to some dark places where I feel I have no choice but to stop. It's just been super hard with this one because I don't feel like I have reached that point and I feel super ashamed but it's because the people around me are making me feel that way. My boyfriend calls me dummy and makes fun of the brain cells I'm losing from inhaling computer duster and it just makes me want to take further relief to get away from it all. I love him but when I ask him for support he says he's mad at me and doesn't feel like supporting me. I know I should feel bad but I am someone who takes things out on myself internally and I get quiet and just hate myself for it but it seems like I don't care which makes it so much harder on both of us.
Thank you for listening
Of course. It doesn’t sound like he is very supportive. I can understand him not wanting you to do these behaviors however the way he says it sounds like it causes you more stress and leads you to do this behavior more. Have you been able to explain what you need to him?
@HopieRemi I tried to have a conversation with him yesterday where he doesn't say anything and we st a timer for an hour and i can just talk, but he likes to have control over the conversation and quickly changess the subject to a joke or a lighter topic. it upsets me, but i don't know how to tell him this without seeming like i am criticizing him or blaming him for my actions. it's my first real relationship where i actually love him which can make it so much harder to tell him how his actions really make me feel - if that makes sense.
@goollmooodmN It makes complete sense! It sounds like you don't feel comfortable telling him how you are feeling because you are scared of how it might affect your relationship with him. It sounds like conversations with him are nonproductive and nothing truly comes from them and that they leave you feeling way worst. I can understand how it may be a challenge to figure out how to tell him that he's hurting you because you don't want there to be further conflict. Have you ever heard of the dialogue where you go "I feel" and then you name an action? It takes away the language of "you do this and I feel...".