The path to recovery as a child
Hello!
Ive never posted here before, but times are tough rn and i guess i just need a space to vent so i don't relapse. I guess to start off i should let you know how i got to where i am today, I'm currently 17 and have abused drugs since i was about 13-14. I have not been sober for a significant amount of time at any point within these last couple of years, but yk I'm working on it now. My addiction stemmed from a depression i suffered after a period of heavy verbal and emotional abuse by someone who was addicted. I had no one to talk to because this person was a close family member and those around me saw what was happening and did nothing. I discovered that drugs allowed me to escape my emotions for the time that i was passed out which also meant that i also wasn't enduring that abuse because i was asleep. It got so bad to the point that at 14 i was taking around 4-5 vicodin a day after school until i almost suffered an overdose, but from that day on i have tried to stay away from those. I never really realized that it was a problem, that this was in fact drug abuse, because i always felt like it was in my control. Now that I'm almost an adult i see that it is an issue and i just want to feel better before i go off to college on my own. As much as i hate my current life I'm happy to be here and since those times i have found a support system, my bestfriend. It's hard to talk about these things with them though because i know they don't understand, so i hope someone sees this
So yeah i wrote the previous post last night since i was feeling really shitty and stressed, but it didn't really help. I feel like it's an important thing to say so that whoever reads this knows, but i did relapse. I snorted a muscle relaxer. Today when i woke up my mom asked me if i had a cold and i told her no because i knew that it was from me destroying my nasal passages last night. I feel like it will happen again tonight and at this point i don't know if i really care. Yes i want to get better, but I'm just so tired at this point. I was watching euphoria and rue said that drugs were the only thing keeping her here and part of me really felt that. Idk i guess I'm starting to lose hope again.
with love,
kiwi<3
@lavenderKiwi2048
I feel you🙁😣
@mla69
we just have to try our best to stay positive, I'm sure things will get better for us eventually!
@lavenderKiwi2048
That's easier said than done, so text book you know that. We need to be real, we need to share, ask and advise with those who are going through similar challenges. Do you feel the need to be real? Do you feel the need to talk, listen and support without judgement without limitations?
@mla69
Yes, i very much feel the need to be real. Over the course of the last 5 years i have not been honest with myself, not even once and especially not with anyone else. I just don't know how really but i think now is the time to learn. So thank you for being honest with me and calling me out on my bullshit
@lavenderKiwi2048
I'm sorry youre going through that, I also have abused opiates and other drugs many times, its difficult to not play into the negative emotions that pop into your head, and the drugs will make you feel like you cant handle life without them. its tough to stay away from them long enough to feel better, but I hope you can find the strength to do it and to be the person you want to be without the addictions and struggle, you still have a lot of living ahead of you
@Creed0115
Thank you for your condolences, all I've ever wanted was for someone to be able to relate to my experiences and to not feel so alone. I've never been able to really speak about my problems so having someone be supportive of me is a new feeling! I have severe adhd so it tends to play with my emotions a lot. It puts me in a dark place because i never feel good enough, the thoughts never stop racing until i put that line up my nose. It scares me to know that i have to live with this brain until i die. The hardest part is consciously knowing that if i don't pick myself up now I'll continue to spiral. Hopefully i get good enough at picking myself up so that i end up stable and where i want to be.
thanks so much,
kiwi<3
Hello everyone,
For the first time in a couple days i didn't use. I actually attended an NA meeting last night for the first time and really hearing people tell their stories was such a wonderful thing. I actually shared a little bit too so i felt really proud of myself. I also got a sponsor and she seems lovely so i hope that things work out cause i think me actually seeking help like this might work. I'll update in a couple days.
Till then,
kiwi<3
