newbie vent

Since I'm new here. I don't really know who to trust. 

I'm a 20 yr old male (former bisexual) , 3rd year college student taking BS Mechanical Engineering. My undergrad degree is very financially demanding, considering my low socioeconomic status and my single mother with 4 children. I'm now in the point of life where I'm thinking whether is it still a good idea to continue my study or drop it all out and find a job. I'm a regular student, meaning I have a full academic schedule, and night classes, and I cannot easily find part time jobs because of my scheds. Now my mother could barely afford our weekly allowance, and I pity her every time I ask for money. I tried finding any online jobs but they still need resources and are time consuming. Now I'm stuck in a phase where I need money for my study, but cannot find a way to make money. If I drop out of college, my mother will be furious, and my degree will be worthless.

About my ADHD, well actually I'm not diagnosed by a doctor, it's just I feel like I have ADHD. I'm very good at math and problem solving, and tech problems, but I easily get distracted every time I'm on a project. One project could take 3 days for me to finish. And motivational videos aren't really helping. I tried reading books, jogging, walking but at the end of the day I end up doom scrolling, talking to AI, and window shopping instead of focusing. I still do those motivational things, I lessen my screen time to 4 hrs everyday but still, not enough. I'm struggling with this problem for 5 years now. I feel like my full potential are getting wasted because of my distracted attention. I get bored whenever I want to learn something new that I love. On top of that, I don't have any money to get to a doctor or therapist. Well there's no therapist in my province so, I was unfortunate.

I also want to address my porn addiction. It started when I was 15 yrs old, when I held my first cellphone. I'm browsing with hot pictures of males at that time, then I saw on google about porn websites, and the story goes on.

And here's the turning point of my life. When I was a kid, I was a very active churchgoers, but when I was around 15 to 17, I stopped going to church or praying to God. But, Jesus Christ showed up to me when I was 18 and then I've changed. I acknowledged my sins, I repent, and I accept him. I became active to church again, started praying, and having my daily devotionals. But my problems doesn't stop there.

I still have my addiction from time to time. I still watch porn (but not excessively like I used to, maybe 2 time a week). I still have my anxiety, and I still have my doubt. But what I have the most is my huge faith in Christ. Thanks to Him, I considered going back to being straight. I didn't really dwell that long in homosexuality, and I don't really prefer men, it's just I'm surrounded by women in my house, I don't have a father nor grandfather or uncles to guide me. I grew up being feminin and later on I suffered with identity crisis, leading me to cope up with pornography. 

You know I wouldn't necessarily go here for counselling, considering I still have many friends to talk to. But I feel like none of them really wants to listen to my problem. Because of that, there's some point of my life I almost considered suicide, but thanks to Jesus it'll never happen. I love my friends. I love my siblings, my church mates. They're so kind to me and caring. But they have a lot more problem than me, and I was always the listener, because they thought I have a huge compassion and emotional intelligence. I fell like they don't want to here my thoughts, because they have more of their own. I don't want them to have more burden, that's why I bottle it all up to myself. Plus, my cheap dormitory is overcrowded with boarders, so not very mental-friendly. Living here in the Philippine is financially challenging. But I always to God that someday, my world will turn upside down.

I don't know if I overshared any of these. But still, I thank you all for listening. I appreciate that. I hope someone could help me