Have questions? Feel free to ask!!
Hello out there! My name is Kristen and I would love to answer questions you may have. I have experience working in community based services as well as outpatient therapy, and also related to finding employment! I have worked with individuals diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, substance abuse, and post traumatic stress disorder. I look forward to helping you!!
After living alone with an abusive, narcissistic mother for the majority of my life, I've learned that I only had value in relation to her. After moving out and going no-contact for my safety, I'm feeling trapped where I am in life because of the conditioning I learned throughout life, how to behave in order to avoid triggering her engulfing, suffocating, and fearsome rage.
I feel irrationally afraid that I'll be punished if I take care of myself. She wouldn't just show up at my front door if I had a shower. That part is irrational. What isn't irrational however, is that her past behaviour almost always remains consistent. If I'm caught well, I'll be attractive to my mother again. I'll have something of value she may feel entitled to (such as success she can use to reap praise onto herself, or financial security she'll feel entitled to because she gave birth to me), so she'll find a way to manipulate her way back into my life, legally or otherwise. Perhaps it's through a smear campaign. Perhaps it's through undermining my social safety or trying to get me fired from a future job. The point is, once she decides she wants something, you either give it to her or say no and risk her wrath, outrage, and punishment until you cave or until she gets what she wants by force. That's at least how it's always been in the past with me and everyone else around her. History has shown she will always do whatever she can to get what she wants, or she'll punish you mercilessly, or both.
But even if I could force myself through that fear-based barrier, I feel no intrinsic motivation to take care of myself. I feel like I have no value. I feel worthless. I was taught I only had value in relation to her. If I needed to bathe, it was because she couldn't tolerate a dirty child. She'd look like a bad mother to others and she couldn't tolerate that. "No one wants a filthy kid!" she'd say. She didn't teach me it was a good thing to take care of myself, or that I was worth taking care of. My care was treated like a burden on her. So I learned that there was something wrong with me, that I was just this burden on everyone. I struggle the most with guilt, shame, and fear, then and now.
I don't know how to feel like a worthwhile human being. I have no motivation or initiation to take care of myself and I think it's because I don't know how to value myself. Even if I could get over the fear of punishment for thinking myself as worthy of kindness and not punishment (which feels like I'm challenging my mother to a duel with a slap of a glove to even imagine, like I'm asking for her wrath if I admit she's wrong - for she cannot tolerate the idea there could ever be something wrong with her behaviour), I'm stuck with this worthlessness I can't seem to break through. I'm on medication to help my mood and motivation, and it helps a bit, but I think it's these beliefs that are truly keeping me stuck. Medication can't undo the damage of the trauma I've suffered.
Any advice for how to begin valuing myself? Or undoing the beliefs I've learned as a result of living with my mother for 23 years? I would like to be able to at least shower or cook a healthy meal for myself and eat it on even a biweekly basis. The activities of daily living I do require my willpower to accomplish. I feel like I always have to force myself to do the most basic of self-care things. That willpower depletes and I get willful and resentful for always having to force myself to do things I don't want to do, especially exposure therapy things. So any help you could pass along would be deeply appreciated.
@Zeraphim good evening to you!! I am so sorry for having to grow up like that. It sounds like an environment that did not allow you to learn any confidence or self worth.
Unfortunately I dont have any tricks that can undo years of learned behaviors! I would definitely encourage you to identify and work toward increasing your self esteem, but it may be difficult to do on your own if it is all you know. Have you thought about counseling? Or if that isnt an option at this time, have you considered speaking to one of the listeners? There is a book called Walking on Eggshells that may help you to better understand personality disorders (that one is specifically about Borderline Personality Disorder).
I really hope that you can learn how to love yourself, because you deserve confidence and to feel proud. Best of luck to you!!
Needing some guidance to figure out how to get a thearapist and what it costs?
@Farberjm there should be an option in your settings to sign up for a subscription to therapy. Please feel free to check out the FAQs for cost information. Please let me know if you have any other questions!!
Hi. I am just wondering what methods you use to try and help?(CBT, DBT, etc?) Thinking of signing up for therapy again. You sound really nice from reading your replies to others. Just trying to learn a little more and decide if itll be helpful and worth the investment. Thank you for any info!
@happycloud7o9 Thank you so much for your kind words! I typically use a form of CBT called REBT - which works on challenging irrational beliefs that can lead to anxiety and depression. Too often we allow ourselves to fall into negative patterns of thinking which impact how we feel about ourselves. I have found that often REBT can change those thoughts so that we are able to view ourselves and the world in a more positive light!
I hope that if you return to therapy you are able to find a positive match for your needs! 😊
@KristenPLPCCRC
Hey Kristen. Salutations. I am facing self esteem issues and addiction of 7 cups. Can you give me some tips?
