My world is ending

I'm in a terrible place emotionally. I lost my partner. I lost my friend group. Mentally, I am unwell right now, and am drowning in my own thoughts. My own anxieties.

I've been dating a girl for some time. And I love this girl with all my heart. This was my first love. She is the centre of my world, the universe. My everything. I love her.

This is going to sound a little crazy, but my friend group tried to split us up numerous times. Caused a lot of issues between us. I could go into great detail, but that isn't the focus of this. Long story said, they whispered in both of our ears about things we didn't say, or twisted things. They continually said we wasn't compatible. We didn't know so much at the time, that they were doing this. But they did.

In my anger, something I am trying to control, I said some horrible things about people around my partner, as I vented. It deeply upset my partner. Deeply. These were vile, horrible things. I wished death on people, I said some really horrible, horrible things.

Last month, we broke up. She had had enough of my depression, which, to be fair, was all me. She didn't like how blunt I was in messages towards the end. She had gone to this friend group, asking for advice, and they told her some things I didn't say about her. We both found out after the break up, that the friend had manipulated us. She doesn't trust me, and still believes I said these things about her, because of how I spoke about people around her. We left the group behind, and now it is just me and her.

1 month in, and we're talking. But we're friends. We talked a lot about this, boundaries are set - no flirting. But she said it's going to take time to forgive me. And she needs time and space. My anxiety is telling me, she will not forgive me. She will move on. She tells me, continually, it will take time. She says she could not imagine sleeping next to me, thinking I had said those things. Until she forgives me, she cannot me with me. Until I control my emotions, she cannot be with me. Be around me.

I keep breaching her boundaries, begging her. Telling her I didn't say it. But she says she wishes she could. It'll take time.

I... just want her back. I just want everything to be back to normal. I love her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I wanted to grow old with her.