Bankrupt and moved to Europe … can’t relax or enjoy life
Hi everyone, I’m new here :)
I’ve been struggling lately to find enjoyment in the things I used to love, like gaming or reading or anything where it looks like I’m not being productive. I’ve been feeling exhausted and weighed down, and it’s been hard to get excited about anything, even things that used to make me happy. Life feels full of responsibilities right now, and I often feel guilty if I take any time to rest or do something for myself.
I was struggling for years, living at home and fighting medical issues that prevented me from keeping consistent work. Debts became insurmountable and I eventually couldn’t take it anymore - I declared bankruptcy. This caused a rift in my family and a lack of understanding because I had loans wiped out to my parents and other relatives. I tried for years to pay everyone back but in the end I just completely collapsed. I moved to Europe and got married, and now I’m trying to start my life over again. Still, it was hard to hear family members say that I was taking the easy way out and dodging responsibility paying them back for my survival.
I’d appreciate any support or advice on finding a way to balance it all and reconnect with the things I enjoy. Feels like it’s been over 10 years since I’ve given myself permission to enjoy things.
Made duplicates of this post on accident a couple times … kept hitting send and then it would just disappear lol
@SpaceLover1994
Welcome to our community 💙.
From what I read it sounds to me like you're punishing yourself for something which was out of your control. You could not keep constant work because of medical issues. This is not your fault. I am sure that you tried the best you could and from what you said it seems you also tried to pay back everyone what you owe them, but you could only do so much and then collapsed. This time must have been extremely hard for you. I wonder whether it would make sense to contact your relatives to find a mutual agreement about the open payments or explain them your situation?
Do you think all the feelings of guilt could be the reason why you struggle finding joy again? That you simply do not feel entitled to anything good in your life?
Whatever happened in our lives does not take away that we can still find joy, be happy. You married and your spouse needs you and wants you to feel okay. Maybe starting with doing some things you enjoy that do not involve any costs can help. Self-care is important and especially important when you're on a healing journey.
You as anyone else deserve to feel good about yourself and life in general.
@amiablePeace77 Thank you for your amazing reply and for the warm welcome!
From what you’re saying - I think this is definitely holding true for me. I think the guilt is weighing heavy on my mind. Guilt that probably originated from falling short of what the world wanted me to become. I don’t know where it began precisely… but I think I wanted to please everyone around me and measure up to them. Health started to dwindle … I started jumping from job to job, my spirit grew weary and I felt like I failed everyone around me. Failed to perform.
Yes - I do not feel entitled to happiness. I think that’s true. Family members shamed me for going bankrupt. When I tried to explain that I had every intention of paying back my debts, but needed to get to a healthy place again first - I was met with a lot of judgment and whining. They had seen me tread water for over ten years, and they wanted me to pay them back everything they’re entitled to before I move, before I marry, before I live my life. They are well off too … millionaires. My uncle in particular really hurt me - I was trying to apologize to him for going bankrupt and he said he felt like he’d been robbed - that it was the biggest financial loss of his life and that he could have used that money in the stock market. He didn’t understand that he was comparing his track to $2 million in net worth as hindered by his nephew trying to tread water and just barely exist.
He looked down on me coming here and cast a great deal of shame on me. Same with my parents. So now it feels like everything I have now I don’t deserve.
@SpaceLover1994
I wonder how they would have felt walking in your shoes for some days. So sorry for all you went through. Something that helps me when I feel bad about situations of the past is to remind myself "I did all I could at that time". I hope you will meet many kind people here and in your physical life in future.