Disappointing myself

Heya, I'm Nicole, I'm 16 and I'm going to share with you how disappointing is my life and I so you can feel disappointed of me as well :)

I'm a weird person, It's been 2 years that I feel like a total disgusting mess and sad for no reason. I either feel sad or numb or sometimes my mind wants to change his road and makes me feel happy for no reason or satisfacted (by nothing). I ALWAYS and repeat ALWAYS HAVE THESE MOOD SWINGS. At first I thought it was because I'm in a state where I'm going through the end of puberty and entering in almost the middle-last phase of teen age, but it's been two years and all just got worse when (always two years ago) I found out with my mother that my father disappointed us with a new lover and started smoking again after 22 years..

Most of the times I feel numb, I don't tell anyone how I feel of course, not even my parents or psychologist (who makes fun of me more than helping me), only when I really lose my mind and I start yelling really hard and becoming extremely aggressive (I actually never lost my mind like I did in these two years, it's both embarrassing and annoying..)

Also, I hate myself. Not just the way I look (even though people say I'm actually "too beautiful" that I should be aware of the guys out there and this also embarrass me..) but mostly the way I feel or use my obsolete brain makes me feel stupid. I mean I can't even make a whole phrase without stumble over some words, sometimes I forget even how to use grammar and prepositions in sentences, jeesus... That's another reason why I can't socialize a lot and I hate myself also for this reason.

I wish I could've been any better than this: I wish I was happy, I had many friends, I didn't have to worry about nothing, I had super good grades at school (I mean they're not bad at all, but they could be better..)

But I'm the opposite of all this.

Mostly the thing that bothers me is that my life sucks, I always get bad news, my parents always discuss about bad stuff, sometimes I feel like they hide stuff from me, and right now I'm like the DOCTOR of the family : my mom's got problem with anxiety so I usually help her feel better, my father instead is just a dangerous person and a liar who just enjoy smoking a thousand cigarettes per day. I'm the one here who has to deal with it's own problems at school but also my general problem like the way I think about myself or how I feel, and I have to deal also with others' problem. Like guys this is unacceptable. I just can't handle this anymore. I told to my mom how disgusting I am since she's the only one who can quite understand me (but as I said before, I only let things go out of my mouth only when I truly lose my mind and I'm furiously crying and yelling) and she even thought to bring me back to therapy, but the point is I CAN'T TALK ABOUT MY.DISGUSTING.PROBLEMS.OR.WHAT.GOES.THROUGH.MY.MIND.

Sorry I had to share with you how weird I am, and also sorry for this useless and long message. God bless ya'll and enjoy this thing that people call ....message..? ...thread? I don't even know anymore.