Fear of intimacy

I certainly don’t know your background, but being brought up strictly religious (not that Christianity is a bad thing), it changed a lot of my perspective on sex vs the rest of my peers too. In short, I was in Christian school until high school and felt so behind everyone else from the getgo even at 15 and never been kissed. I will say it plain: it made me an easy target. I did keep my virginity through a 3 year narcissist abusive relationship, but my dignity was what I clung to. Fast forward-> college and everyone has had sex and I’m 19 and haven’t. I understand what you mean, the pressure is enormous. What I find interesting, is people envy you for having self control and self respect which is enviable in a distracted and complicated world we live in, but should you join their ranks, people just spew vitriole anyway. All I’m saying, do it for yourself. I had no tools to cope with the identity crisis that occurred when I did have sex to know how to deal with the overwhelming guilt ; my whole life had practically been drilled into my head to save it for marriage. I felt dirty and shameful. I didn’t understand why at 19 everyone else could sleep around and I felt so awful about it. Back to you- all I’m saying is I think it’s normal when you’ve had some shyness around the topic in the past. Expectations suck in relationships especially when you’re dating. The good news- you can set the pace. I always felt pressured to kiss on the first date or sometimes more.. as is so casual nowadays. It is frustrating that sex is passed around as frequently as handshakes. One thing I did learn, looking back now as I’m 32… respecting yourself comes first. Sounds cheesy but if you are having anxiety over this built up expectation, perhaps seek community. Find an activity or class to get involved in, somewhere where you can meet people organically. Maybe look at meetup.coms local 20-30s group meetups so you’re safe and can get to know someone in a safe intense way. Dates can feel so intimidating; building a friendship where they know who you are and what you’re about creates a safe place to let them know softly where your boundaries are. That you don’t want to kiss on the first date after hitting it off at a group event bc you’re taking things slow and value getting to know them. It is so rare for someone to know themselves well enough to understand intimacy takes time to be fostered. After a few years of marriage, hit sex isn’t all of what it’s cracked up to be. If you respect who you are and the value you’re bringing to a relationship- someone amazing will take notice. Truly, you don’t want to be with someone who pressures you. They will continue to derail your values Ike by one until you look into the mirror one day and don’t know who you are. Proceed with caution, knowing that intimacy is scary. I recommend the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. She shows a strong image of so many struggles we all go through- true belonging. It sounds like you’re unsure where your place may be in a world that holds values closely that you don’t align with. Finding a way to have a soft front (be vulnerable) and a strong back (backbone) when needed is what helped me feel like I was bringing my most Authentic self on dates. Perhaps if you’re unsure on tips, call me cheesy but Adrian Everhart on YouTube has very useful tips on how to tap into your feminine energy. To use the natural charms we have as women and how fo ask questions on dates, to build intimacy without sex and this will show men you date that your an emotionally mature woman who has boundaries, respects herself and has a lot to offer a good partner. Just don’t want you to be too hard on yourself; this world is corrupt. You’re one of the good ones who isn’t out there passing trauma on, you’re being smart and proceeding to be vulnerable in a smart way. I know this was a lot, but 25 is a HARD time in life. Hope this helps! 🙂

Take it slow and take as much time as you need. Please don't rush yourself. There is no need to rush.

I wish you all the best ❤️

Hi @kindNorth4033

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you. If you just want to talk to someone or need some emotional support, please reach out to us anytime

Take care!

@kindNorth4033 I am much older so take my opinions with "a grain of salt" so to speak. They are not absolute truth and may speak more of my past than your present.

I think for me getting comfortable with my body was important. I did self comforting by rubbing my arms or face, I practiced yoga, I did exercise or walking. I also tried to make non romantic friends that I could get comfortable with without total intimacy.

Are you parents thinking they want to marry you off? That is not a good situation. I feel nervous and uncomfortable when people are pressuring me.