Open Letter from someone with BPD

To my friends, family, and loved ones,

Hi! It's me. I know I can be difficult to understand sometimes. I write this open letter, not to make excuses, or to make you behave a certain way; simply because you very very important to me, and I would like you to understand my mind better. As you may already know I have been diagnosed with BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. That is why I have a Saint, and I have had therapy to always try to heal and become better with my symptoms. But, I know, I hurt the ones I love most sometimes. I am still growing and working on it; I can be better. Please trust me on that. Ever since my first year of university when I was diagnosed with this, I have been ashamed and afraid to share this part of me because I didn't want you to see me differently. I didn't want to make this an excuse, or for it to define our friendship or relationship. I have read countless pages on BPD online and after becoming better and growing, I deeply and truly feel that most of the articles do not perfectly describe the stage I am at with this condition; many are scary, and I didn't want you to read everything and think that I'm too much to handle. That's also why I write this for myself, for people around me, to correctly understand the way my mind and heart are wired.

Sharing this letter means that you have or are probably my favorite person right now. My favorite person is usually someone I romantically love, but they could also be a friend, or family member. When I create a favorite person in my life, he/she becomes everything in my life. Although I do not intend to, you become someone who heavily impacts my emotions, even with small actions that may not mean anything to most. These actions can sometimes put me into a spiral of thoughts, or hurt. It could feel like my heart is burning. At the same time, I truly want you to live your own life. I just hope that you understand how I am at times, and that I am trying to get better at communicating when I feel that something you do or didn't do might cause me to act irrationally.

The main symptom that often describes BPD is an intense fear of abandonment. My biggest fear is and will always be losing you. And because of this, I know that when this fear is triggered I may act irrationally or get angry and push you away; when in reality in my mind all I want to hear is I love you, I won't leave. As hard as that may sound, my mind is yelling to ask for those words when I am in a state where I believe you are leaving. I understand this is a lot to ask, and I also understand that this condition is very toxic. Once again, I am truly trying to get better. Small actions like texting back late, or differences in actions that I may notice might make me think that it is the first sign of you distancing yourself from me. This response may not show up right away for me, since I have learned to slowly communicate my feelings. When times like this occur I might suddenly say things that are very hurtful to you. This is called, splitting, where someone I used to love the most, becomes someone I devalue. When I this is happening for me, it is usually after or during a moment when my heart feeling like its breaking into a million pieces. I do know, that it all seems extreme, and that “normal people” will be able to be calm and see things clearly. It is something I am still learning to do. But I know that when this is happening I hurt you. I don't mean to, but I know I do. I'm sorry. I want you to know this is not your fault. Sometimes when I feel that I am not getting the proper attention or love, I feel that you will leave, and I become very destructive towards you, me, and the world around us. I’m sorry for those times when I was not able to communicate myself well enough. It's very hard for me to express my vulnerabilities, especially to someone I love. I'm trying my best. But sometimes it's just really hard, and all I can think about is that you're leaving. That for me, is the main symptoms and reactions I get from BPD, but I DO NOT want to make this an excuse for my actions.

I suffer most days and try to find coping mechanisms that let me break out of my brain. But when at home alone, these thoughts often creep up and fill my mind. I have been told by some that it's a pattern and that it's something I just need to stop doing. But I hope you understand that to someone with this condition, it's not always that easy; and I am trying very hard to express myself. The thing that hurts me most, is knowing that the things I do hurt you. I just want you to know that I love you. I want you to be happy and proud to be with me. With BPD I feel emotions way greater than most people. Both positive and negative emotions. When I say I love you, I only say it because that is the strongest word I know to describe my feelings, but am also constantly figuring out ways to let you know it's more than that. Although I may not always express myself, I want you to know that every moment I spend with you, I am thinking so in my brain.

So if it's not too much to ask, please gently guide me when times like this happen. I would not expect you to always be able to react with kindness since I do know that my behavior is unacceptable. I really do. But if you do choose to stay, even a small part, before I become who I hate most, please gently tell me that you love me and you won't leave. I might ask for this constantly, but its something that really changes my days. Most of my fears come directly from this fear. I’m really sorry that I am asking for all of this when you probably didn't know any of my conditions when we first met. I'm sorry for the frustration, betrayal, disappointment, and sadness it causes. I'm working very hard to heal and get better. You will always mean a lot more to me than you'll ever know. If I did give you this, it really took a lot of strength to be open and honest with you. It's something that's very hard for me. I do not expect you to always say yes, always comfort me, and always be careful with the ways you act. I just want you to understand myself more, even if its something I was very scared to share with you. I'm sorry, I hope this explains myself a little bit better. I am also so grateful that you exist in my life, and I really do see everything you do for me. After reading all of this, and maybe looking into it a little bit (even if that scares me because of what it saids), even if you choose to leave I only hope for the best for you and I love you so much. Thank you for always being the best.