Self-sabotaging in a relationship
Tigger Warning!!
Hello everyone! I'm Julia, 21 year old and a Nursing student from Philippines. So I'm in a relationship with this guy for more than a month now. When we were on a talking stage everything went well. But the moment we become together things went rough. I started to overthink, I became anxious. Lately I'm suspecting him of cheating even though I haven't found evidence that he is. I thought these things will passed but as time goes by I realized I'm self-sabotaging. I've been single for almost 6 years before I met him and in that years I tried so hard to protect my peace, to protect myself especially my heart.
Things get tough. We are constantly fighting, disrespecting each other during argument, calling each other's some names. It got to the point that we are hurting each other emotionally and mentally. We tried breaking up with each other but we both know we can't. That's why I'm here cause I want to improve myself. Before 2022 ended I made a vow to myself that I would heal cause I'm toxic with myself. And the more toxic I am with myself I could project that onto my partner and I would just end up keep hurting me.
But I'm glad cause he is being patient even though I am working with myself at the moment. I am also tired of pretending that I am happy with myself and with my life. I thought being in a relationship with him would solve all my problems but no, it didn't. Instead, I end up hurting the man I love. I know he's a good guy. It's just that I didn't let myself to have a chance to heal. I always keep on rushing things.
I hope I could overcome the silent battle I have with myself.
@snjulia You live and you learn. Just remember to attack the problem and not your partner. Once words are said you cannot unsay them and your partner will carry them for a very long time if not forever. A relationship is a team effort, you two against the world. Listen to eachother, understand eachother, help eachother. Don't let things get heated, stay calm and collected. If you feel yourself losing control of your emotions take a break until you calm down. Goodluck and i wish you well.
Thanks Clay. I'll take note of this. We're on a break for a month actually since he wants to focus on his finals. He's a 3rd year medicine student and he's about to have his clerkship soon. I don't want to talk things with him for now as I don't want to give him distractions.
@snjulia thank you for sharing your experience with us, Julia. I agree with what Clayton7 said. Take a step back and be patient with yourself. I would suggest maybe practicing some mindfulness exercises to help you on your healing journey. I used to beat myself up for a lot of things and overthinking issues, and after attending some mindfulness discussions here in 7cups, it has helped me a lot during my recovery.
It started when I had crisis last month where I lashed out at 2 people, and one of them (who was my best friend) left without saying a word and cut me off permanently everywhere on social media and games. It was my fault for suppressing my emotions for so long that it became unmanageable. So I've been in recovery since. It's also good to surround yourself with people who will be able to listen to your problems and empathize with you, in other words a support system.
Anyway, I'm sorry for what you've been going through, and I hope you'll be able to overcome it. I also hope you're relationship with your partner will improve more healthily than before, but it's most important that you focus on taking care of yourself first before anything. I'm also from PH too btw! I wish you the best of luck on your Nursing journey.
Take care,
Oak 💖
@compassionateOak202
Hi Oak! Thank you for sharing too with your insights. This is also my problem. Before I met my bf I was on a healing stage too. I told him that I'm dealing with myself and he told me to take my time. It was going smooth at 1st but weeks after I started to self-sabotage. But I know I will get better.
@snjulia I believe in you, Julia! It'll take time, but you'll get there. Setbacks may happen, but you can always pick yourself up again. No need to rush, but go with the flow. Take care of yourself out there. 💙