hopeless

is there something wrong with me or am i just dramatic

im 18 im in hs i have no friends in hs cus im also so quiet n awkward. i have v low self esteem n i feel so inferior to everyone cus i haven’t accomplished nothing in life n i feel like im such a disappointment n failure to my fam. sometimes my self esteem is rlly high n then i realize my situation like my relationships w my family n such, having no friends , n i feel v low again n basically go mute or jus try to act like everything’s fine i can’t enjoy normal things that kids my age enjoy because i’m not expressive at all n just come off as weird but i rlly wanna have friends n build relationships but i just have no self perception so i don’t know what to project or conversate about with people i’ve been like this for about two years n im so self aware that everything i know i need to change about myself just seems like so much n an overload that i jus shut down completely n procrastinate n j hide from all my problems by like oversexualizeubg myself online just to feel wanted n validation n attention from ppl, i know it’s not helping me at all but idk why i keep doing it to myself, i have friends online n like can act a certain way n bond w them then i completely forget what to say somtimes n my brain goes empty for no reason n i end up pulling back n distancing myself cus i feel like the things i’m saying is wrong so u just stop talking but i rlly wanna have a real connection w somebody i just can’t do it. i feel like my real self is trapped inside me n i just feel like i’m so overwhelmed with everything n my real self just getting pushed further n further behind like im suffocating. it’s too much to deal with, simple everyday things, that’s so easy for other people. like i have an assignment coming up for english where i have to present to my whole class n i been avoiding that class period for a week even though it’s a final n i will fail that class if i don’t go but i wanna keep telling myself i can do it but i know i can’t because every presentation i had before was so bad, im like the only kid in class doing it alone n i would feel so. awkward going up there n it’s so tiring because everyone else direct have any problem with it at ask cause their comfortable in their skin n it feels like i was left behind being so shy for reason in 12th grade it’s embarrassing n so pathetic that i’m the way i am but i jus can’t bring myself to go to that class n it’s rlly stressing me out cus i need to graduate on time. i can’t even explain it cus it sounds like i’m being dramatic for no reason but if i am idk his im gonna get past it cus i feel it so much i just want my parents to be proud of me n for myself to be proud of me. i feel like im way too young to be dealing with this n if makes it worse because i don’t have anything rlly bad going on in my life i can only imagine his i would be as an adult n it makes me worry even morel. im so tired of being me. my situation isn’t bad , my parents are still together n supportive n love me which is why i’m so confused as to why i am the way i am. idk what to think or do im so lost n feel like i don’t belong anywhere. i don’t have anyone i can go to to relax n feel myself, not even when i’m alone i want it ash to go away, i wanna be comfy in my skin n not care what anyone says, light up a room when i walk into it, have a nice inviting energy , a sense of self n character, someone who a person will remember if they see me walking down a street, somone who ppl would look up to n wanna be around n check up on, someone who ppl go to when they need advice. i wanna be knowledgeable n analytical, be opinionated n optimistic. i hate that i’m laying around in self pity but changing myself is so hard. i just want to be love able and happy to be alive evryday. have new experiences, meet new people n form relationships with them, meet their friends. be someone who ppl would wanna show off. i feel like my life isn’t even mine atp. like i wasn’t meant to be who i am right now. i was supposed to be someone differen r, things weren’t supposed to turn out this way. so many possibilities n chances i missed, to be someone who’s worth the time of day. i wanna have something special about me that draws ppl in, be content with my life n happy finally. i haven’t felt real happiness for years, even when i got a car for my grad gift i couldn’t feel it or express it how i wanted to. but j rlly was happy n grateful i just couldn’t express it n it just ruined it for me cus i could feel their disappointment n discomfort just being in my presence. every interaction i have with anyone in my life feels so empty n lifeless. i feel like im putting on a stupid act eveything one interact with people n just find myself so intolerable n dumb. i cant function like a normal person, i feel like nobody understands. i feel so alone, im tired of being this way i want it all to go away. i have so much love n empathy to give ppl i wanna be able to express n give back to evryone in my life. ty for reading idk what i’m expecting but it felt nice to vent a lil.