Is it time to walk away?

I am 6 hours into my nightshift. Tonight I'm happy to report that I am working with one of my favourite people in the entire world. Cassie has been my rock though a lot of hardships in the last almost 7 years. But then, I've realized.. Rocks can break to. Strong people fall apart.

We got dispatched for a motor vehicle collision. No other information. On the main highway about 40 mins out. Cassie hit the lights and siren and away we went. We found the black toyota against the guardrail with no patient in sight. I looked at her and said "I have a bad feeling about this" a woman came running to tell us the driver had been hit by a transport truck and was laying in the ditch somewhere. It took us almost 20 mins to find the 37 year old. Cassie checked for a pulse and screamed "I got one!" she took off for the truck to grab equipment and stretcher, and we realized he had agonal breaths, this poor man was not gonna have a pulse for long.. "Life over limb" I barked. "He's going to code." Firefighters, myself and cassie, lifted him onto the stretcher and started moving as quickly as we could. "I need a firefighter" I stated one climbed up behind me "I got you" he said. For about 30 mins we rotated compressions, trying to keep this young man alive. But unfortunately he did not make it in time to get to the hospital. I picked up his coat from the floor of the ambulance and a paper fell out. His suicide note. He had lost his restaurant due to Covid shutting most of the province down. My heart broke. So young. As soon as we dropped him off we decided to sit in the parking lot and regroup. Cassie blaming herself for not driving fast enough. Myself questioning if my compressions had been effecient enough. But then the next call came in and we continued on. But it got me thinking. How do I keep doing this job when lately it has been so much death, so much hard calls. Then I realized it. The flood of laughter from the five year old earlier tonight who had a broken femur filled my thoughts. The sweet girl who fell in love with my glasses and wanted a pair just for her, who loved ice cream but not popsicles. The old man that couldn't tell me what he had for supper tonight, but spoke lengthy about his time in the world war 2 serving with Elvis Presley. Thats how we did this job. To hear that little girls laughter, to see the tears of joy from people who realize they are going to be okay, for the pulses we do get back. This job is hard, that is almost an underestimation. But tonight I am trying to force myself to find the good no matter how small it is. I'm ready for my bed though.