One of my worst calls.

It had been a bad call and she was hurting.
She wasnt supposed to be hurting. In 9 years as a paramedic in NB, when you had a bad call you sucked it up, stashed it away in a part of your brain you dont visit very often, got back on the truck and went to the next call.
But this call had been different. For 25 minutes, she had lain under the wreck of a mangled car next to a young man trapped inside as he began to slowly slip away. Thoughts of her own son who had been in a motorcycle accident the month before were swirling in her head. Before this new victim lost consciousness and stopped breathing, he pleaded with her to help him. ‘Thats what Im here to do and Im staying with you till its done, she told him.
Nothing was going to save the young man, however.
When she checked in with the central MCMC dispatch centre to end her shift, Michel* , a dispatcher who knew shed had a bad call – a call with serious injury – asked her how she was doing.
She paused. ‘Im fine, she said a moment later.
In that pause, Michel knew she wasnt fine.
You get to know certain medics, their tones, he recalled recently. I could hear pain in her voice. The second I released her from her shift I called management and said ‘Activate CISM (Critical Incident Stress Management, a peer support for emergency response staff who have experienced difficult calls). I knew I had a peer in distress.
She certainly wasnt fine. She had basically just seen someone die and it had brought back the trauma of her sons accident the month before. She believed fiercely that she had to be strong, that she couldnt be scared of going back to the station and joking around with her colleagues as she waited for the next call. But she was scared.
CISM contacted Penny and she appreciated the outreach. But although Michel is not a trained CISM peer, he had sensed her situation right away and she wanted to talk to him. They had never met before – had never really had a real conversation before – but she heard sincerity in his voice and felt safe talking to him. So she messaged him on Facebook and they connected.
He just sat there and listened to me repeat myself over and over, said Penny. I just needed someone to listen. It was amazing. Someone who doesnt know me from a hole in the wall just sat there and listened to me, didnt judge me, he put up with me, put up with my crying, my repetitive stories. He pushed me to get the help I needed, to not be ashamed to need help.
For Michel, there was never any doubt he would be there for a colleague in need, even if it wasnt part of any formal service. He had gone through his own mental health journey and recovered well. He had some tools he could share, but most importantly he had knowledge of what Penny needed.
She needed somebody that was not going to judge her, somebody that was not going to think for her. She just needed somebody to listen, he said. I listened, listened, listened. We have a lot of mental health services, but I dont think theres enough where you just listen.
Penny recently drove down to meet Michel in person at the dispatch centre I just wanted to thank him, she said. A complete stranger to sit there and listen to you. It was amazing. You dont get that a lot.
So on Nov. 20, two colleagues, two friends, two people who now know each other intimately, met for the first time. There was happiness and there were a few tears. It was clear that Penny is doing well. It was clear that makes Michel proud and very happy.
You need to give a shit, he says, reflecting on helping a colleague deal with trauma. You need to care. At the end of the day, we all wear the same badge.
You see the breakdowns and you see the consequences and its sad. Mental health needs to be looked at seriously.
That message is for all first responders and professionals who regularly are exposed to traumatic events. Its not just a story about her and Michel, says Penny.
I want all the medics and dispatchers and everyone to know its nothing to be ashamed about," she said. "That everything we feel when we have a traumatic experience is normal. Its ok to feel all these emotions that we have been taught to just shove out of the way for so long, that it really is ok to not be ok as my dear friend Michel has repeatedly told me.

**names/info changed to protect identity