I have nowhere

I have diagnosed ptsd from being raised in an abusive, cult-worshipping family. Im 24 next week and im still finding it impossible to grow up properly and learn how to deal with life. I have panic attacks all the time, it's normally me punching myself in the head or face repeatedly with all my strength because my blood boils up, and there's nowhere to unleash this anger but on myself. I've given myself so many injuries. I left my last job because they first forced me to work in a different department than I applied for, they were severely understaffed, called me in on every day I was supposed to have off, gave me shit/no respect they BARELY trained me and then left me by myself for 6 hours on the mid shift over and over and I kept telling them, I can't do it. it gets to a point where every dish is dirty and every condiment needs to be replaced and all the ingredients need to be restocked and i haven't had one god damn second to tend to any of it because there are non stop customers forming a line out the door and I TOLD them im not ready for this shift over and over and all of a sudden, while in a dying-but-still-trying frenzy, I took an order, told the next customer I'd be right with her, she scoffed at me, and

that's where I lost it. any chill that could have ever been, I lost it. immediately started pounding my fist into the side of my head until a cashier ran into the kiosk and stopped me. I dont know what happened next. just that I had an instant shiner of a black eye, was devastatingly embarrassed, and never came back.

FF a while and me and my fiance move into our first apartment. the other tenant is weird but we don't think much of it. turns out he's genuinely tormenting me to commit sepukku and he's about to fucking succeed. I cant take it anymore.

My fiance abuses me and I allow it. I never learned to defend myself. I lay down. Thats why I want to d*e so bad right now but I feel too weak. if I were strong I would have done it eight years ago. Here I am, still trying to survive but why? I have no one. no safety, no comfort. I cant heal in this environment. whats the point in trying?