So hard today

There's not a check-in for today, I hope I'm not posting out of place...

I dontd think this post could be triggering, but today I am triggered for sure. My parents trigger me, I'll stop beating around the bush about this and call things with their name. My mother especially is a huge trigger: seeing her, hearing her or seeing a call from her can trigger anxiety, dissociation, nightmares... I think I've really got a PTSD revolving around her. Once, she also triggered me the only allucination I have ever had in my life, and I'm so scared it might happen again. Calling my parents PTSD triggers actually explains a lot of things and make them fall into place.

So... Today guess who's so lucky to have the first family therapy session with her mother alone? Yep: me. It's been hard even getting out of bed today, I was feeling both anxiety and depression kicking and a strong Desire of (ok, this can be triggering) not eat a thing to gain some control, but feeling it wasn't enough, I kept considering (other trigger) seriously hurting myself. Then I got angry at myself, calling me a coward and weak... this went on until at 13:40 I managed to wake up and tried to at least cook and have something to eat, but I kept doing things wrong and I had a breakdown where I was like crying, throwing things left and right and shrieking like a mouse saying mean things to myself. I managed not to self harm though. Now it's 15:20 and I'm still having my lunch. I'll have therapy in less than 3 hours. I don't want to do this, I just want to cut contacts. Oh, right, my mother called me a couple of hours ago. I already was upset in bed and crying, so I didn't answer, I don't know what she wanted, and it got me even more upset.

I don't want to do this... Am I a coward? I mean I brought them in therapy, but now what had to be said has been said and I'm realizing how harmful they are for me, haven't I been the brave one for a little too long? How much else do I have to sacrifice?!