Trauma Support Community Check-in: Saturday-Sunday 17-18 April 2021
Feeling Safe
Everyone needs to feel safe and secure. We also need to feel that loved ones are safe and protected. Often, traumatic experiences take from us our sense of safety and security in the world.
When we think of safety, most people think of being physically safe. But often the safety that is most important and difficult to attain and sustain is an inner sense of safety. Of “Feeling Safe”.
Self-comfort, self-care, and coping all help us feel and be safe with ourselves. When we feel endangered by emotions within us, these kinds of strategies could help us to feel safer within ourselves.
We need to feel safe in our interactions with other people. Otherwise, this could create problems in our family and social life. For example, we may feel misunderstood, even by family or friends, or we may feel unsafe with people who once felt safe. We have to deal with this.
Often, Trauma survivors can feel unsafe in the here-and-now because they can be triggered by past experiences, even when they are objectively safe. It is thus very important to be able to assess objectively the safety level of our environment, and get skillful at grounding techniques.
Our sanctuaries of safety are our “safe places”. A safe place is one in which we can feel comfortable, without fear. The smells, sounds, sights, physical sensations, tastes, and location of the place bring us a feeling of security.
And then, we feel completely safe.
Questions
- How are you feeling these days ?
- How safe do you feel around other people?
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe?
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it?
I look forward to your comments, and wish you all the best !
Marcelo.
Note: this text was inspired on one by @dancingRainbow45
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Hi Marcelo
This is a timely topic. Safety is a big one and I'm noticing more of times where I feel triggered and how it has roots to feeling of safety. I have to remind myself that I am in a safe place now.
- How are you feeling these days ? I'm feeling a bit better now. This has been a tough week but I feel like I'm moving on the up swing now. I'm practicing giving myself kindness for having a hard week.
- How safe do you feel around other people? I think by default I don't trust / feel safe around people, because of the past trauma. I feel safe around friends I have known for a while but with strangers I default to not trusting people.
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe? I feel safe around people who are calm and gentle, who show understanding and empathy. I feel less safe around people who are more judgemental as I worry about their judgements, even if they're not actively judging me in the moment.
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it? I feel safe when I go for a nice walk in the park. I also feel safe when I wrap myself in a cozzy blanket.
@purpleWheel873
I enjoyed and understood it all when reading your post. It all does make so much sense. thank you
@Amelia2324
I agree 100% with you, Amelia !
Thank you for your contribution.
Marcelo.
Hi @Amelia2324, I'm glad my post resonated with you :) Thank you for reading & responding
@purpleWheel873
Thank you for participating in this check-in, and for your compliment on its topic !
Your discovery that you have a higher probability of being triggered when you don't feel 100% safe (even unconsciously) is very valuable and useful to reduce flashbacks, etc. Congratulations on this finding !
You are wise to reward yourself with kindness for having a hard week. Our lives go in cycles. Sometimes is inevitable to go beyond a healthy activity level. Being conscious of that, and compassionate to ourselves, goes a long way to make our lives healthier and feel better.
It is reasonable and healthy that you don't trust strangers. In my opinion, strangers shouldn't be trusted until they prove to be good people. That doesn't mean to be hostile to them, but just to keep a healthy distance and low expectations about them.
Your definition of what makes a person beneficial and trustworthy couldn't be best.
Also, judgemental people make us worried, because we are always fearing we will be their next target to make us feel bad. That's their fault, not ours.
It seems very healthy that you have an "outdoors" safe place and an "indoors" one. Like you can feel safe both outdoors and indoors, shows a flexible, adaptable character.
Summing up, all your answers speak of a very well-balanced person, and a healthy attitude towards life.
All the best !
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat
Hi Marcelo, thank you for your detailed response to my post. I enjoyed reading it and it sounded like a lot of what I wrote resonated with you too which I'm glad.
Thank you for all your compliments to me about having good insights on my triggers, giving myself kindness, and being a well balanced person with a healthy attitude. I guess it didn't always feel that way and it's something I'eve been working on for some time. Thank you for recognizing that. That made me feel really happy. I should pat myself on the back more for doing these positive things for myself as well :)
Thanks for validating how I feel towards people. I'm still trying to find the right balance with dealing with people, and I wasn't sure on why I feel more comfortable with some people vs others. This post made me think on that more, and re-reading what I wrote, it actually makes a lot of sense so I'm glad that resonated with you too. I still want to develop general comfort with strangers that I'll have to interact with so I don't fear them, like store clerks.
"Also, judgemental people make us worried, because we are always fearing we will be their next target to make us feel bad. That's their fault, not ours."
Yes, a lot of tiems judgemental people judge others based on flaws or issues they have with themselves. There are judgemental people who I have to deal with regularly. I know it's not their intention to make me feel bad, but it can still be tough when trying to deal with them.
How are you feeling these days ?
I have been going ok. I was able, with the help my theapist has been helping me with, stand up, voculazie my feelings about not seeing a psychiatrist who I had been assigned to in the past at a mental health hospital, who had broken so many rules and violations with me. I was able to stand up at this new place, a say that I refused to see him under any circumstances and would gladly pay any late cancellation fees assoc with this. I told them he had violated blatent rules wtih me in the past at his former employer and I did not choose to go into it all there, as it would have only upset them and me. I felt that would have not been productive or constructive. I am feeling okay, working well with my 7cups, great, wonderful threapist that is actually a LCSW, believe it or not. But, they are very good at their job and I am so blessed to have come here and have been with them for therapy.
- How safe do you feel around other people?
With their help, and with some of my own desires and knowing how it is helping me, I am getting out more around people on buses, rides, (as I can not drive as my psychiatrist took me off of that with an alter that kept driving so many places, etc), stores, and working on learning to feel more safe with learning that I am not always attacked, physically and sexually, every time and it is heping me and us a lot. It is good.
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe?
I and we feel safest around Bre and Skip. We have known them for years. They do not mean us any harm and know aobut us all. They are both females, with Bre being married to a very nice, caring man who we all respect a whole lot. Skip has lived here twice, for a few years each time, and then, I would move in the living room on the couch. I love them both, but, we all have been separated for a long time with covid.
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it?
Nice that you asked, as we all do have a nice, new place, where we all feel so safe, we will not give you to passwords or anything. it is on penzo. we are all allowed there and can come out and be how ever we want to be, say what ever we want to be and it is all for us and no one can take it away from us. we are so happy about it. we all know about it. we are all still so excited. no one is there to critize us, judge us, decide what we can and can not do or feel or say. it is all our place for us. we are going to get to know more about all of us there.
@Amelia2324
Dear Amelia:
What great achievements you had these days !
Congratulations !
I feel very proud of you, that you could stand up and refuse to see this bad psychiatrist that had broken his professional rules of conduct, and mistreated you as a result.
There is a strong power relation between health institutions and professionals, on one side, and we patients on the other. They have many resorts of power, and they can pretend that our well-based complaints are just another symptom of emotional problems.
So to overcome that power scheme, and prevail over their capricious decisions, is a great achievement.
I can imagine that, on top of solving the issue itself, this might have improved your self-esteem, and strengthen your view of yourself as a capable, decisive person.
I am glad that you have found a great 7 Cups therapist ! To find a good therapist, that we trust, and helps us heal, is a huge blessing. I am very happy for you.
I am glad that you are feeling less and less social anxiety, that you can mingle with people without panicking, so you can better carry out your life. You are safe in places with many people, as there is a kind of (not obvious but real) mutual protection going on.
You are blessed with two great, very close friends, That's more than most people have. People tend to have many superficial acquaintances, but not friends as close as yours. Covid will pas soon and you will be reunited.
Regarding your safe place, you mean Penzu, the online journaling service ?
I have a Penzu account, and I store there all my secret thoughts and feelings, knowing they will be safe. They can't be lost, and no one can see them. It has been a great resource for me for many years. It is an amazing service, I greatly recommended it.
Thank you for participating in this check-in.
It is always a joy to talk with you.
All the best,
Marcelo
@WelcomeToChat
Marcelo,
Thank you for your nice response. You truly understood. Glad you like Penzo also 
@WelcomeToChat
Marcelo,
Some of us also wanted to comlement you on your knowledge about what you said. You wrote, " I feel very proud of you, that you could stand up and refuse to see this bad psychiatrist that had broken his professional rules of conduct, and mistreated you as a result.
There is a strong power relation between health institutions and professionals, on one side, and we patients on the other. They have many resorts of power, and they can pretend that our well-based complaints are just another symptom of emotional problems.
So to overcome that power scheme, and prevail over their capricious decisions, is a great achievement."
Marcelo, you are very knowledgeable! Some of us are so glad you know about this and that it really does occur and goes on so very much.
Amy and a few
@Amelia2324
Thank you !
You made me so happy with your comment ! I am almost blushing !
And I am glad that you felt understood.
You should be very proud of what you did.
I wish you all the best !
Marcelo.
Hi @Amelia2324, I'm very happy for you and I'm proud of you that you stood up for yourself in getting the right care you need. That must not have been easy, dealing with a psychiatrist who typically should be a trustworthy person but did not treat you well. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. I'm very glad to hear you have found a better therapist now.
@purpleWheel873
Thank you for your support. It was nice to read tonight. sweet hugs
we did not know it was the 17th. our precious niece, Jessi died a little over a year ago. we are still so very sad. she was such a precious angel for us all. God put her here for a reason. she is gone now. we all miss her. we were even able to reach our sister, hug, and she and us did text about jessi being gone and how we all felt. our sister, hug, has lost jessi, and now her mother, who was really only her mother, all in the past year. poor hug. we love hug and want to be there for her more.
@Amelia2324
Dear Amelia:
It makes me very sad that you lost your niece Jessi a year ago.
It's one of those unbearable, tragic events, that don't make sense.
They just cause us pain and more pain.
I am glad that you could reach your sister and share your feelings in this very sad moment. Surely, your compassionate attitude has helped her a lot to contain her deep pain.
Jesi will always be in your mind. With time, you will tend to remember more vividly the good times with her, and fade the memories about her tragic end.
All the best to you in this sad, difficult situation !
With love,
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat
How are you feeling these days ? I'm doing ok. I have been trying to look at my day in a positive way.
- How safe do you feel around other people? I don't feel safe around people.
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe? I feel safest with my therapist. I can be myself and she doesn't judge me. I can talk about what I need to and she still cares for me.
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it? Yes I do. I usually imagine it when I feel upset to help calm me down.
@RedHawk6547
I am glad that you feel well, with a positive outlook on your life.
I agree with you that is natural not to feel safe around strangers, until they prove to be good people. We should keep a healthy distance.
But in our daily life, we must deal with the fact that we might be surrounded by people, and we have to get to be used to it.
It's great that you made a good bond with your therapist, that you can trust her, and feel relaxed in her presence. This helps hugely to advance the Therapy, besides being a good thing in itself.
Thank you for participating in this check-in !
I wish you all the best,
Marcelo
@WelcomeToChat
- How are you feeling these days ? shut down and numb
- How safe do you feel around other people? I don't
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe? There's isn't anyone. Not anymore but that's my fault
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it? There's a small glen in the woods with alittle stream. Another spot is a big rock in the middle of some ferns. Sometimes the closet feels safe too - guess maybe that's weird
Thank you for the check in - take care
@mytwistedsoul
Hey. I don't think its weird for the closet to be a safe place. It can be like a little fort just needs some music, for me anyway. Sending you good thoughts if that's ok.
@RedHawk6547 They do make good forts :) Thank you for the good thoughts - I haven't been able to come up with any of my own lately
@mytwistedsoul
I'm sorry you feel shut down and numb. Must be a bad feeling. I hope you feel better soon.
Maybe with time, you can start building trust, little by little with someone calm, peaceful and not threatening...
You seem to have a deep sensibility for nature, and greatly enjoy the outdoors.
That's another type of bonding, of connexion.
Of feeling part of it all.
It provides perspective, peace and calm...
Thank you for participating in this check in !
All the best !
Marcelo
@WelcomeToChat
- How are you feeling these days?
I feel fine.
- How safe do you feel around other people?
It depends. I'm actually scared to interact with others. But I feel safe to those who have proven to be trusted in my eyes.
- With whom do you feel safest? What things make this person safe?
I will call him N. I feel safe with him because of his gentle nature.
- Do you have a favorite place where you feel safe and relaxed? Where is it?
My bedroom. I felt free in that place.
Have a nice day!
@SnippyHam
Dear Ham:
I am glad you are feeling well these days.
It is reasonable and healthy that you don't easily trust strangers. Strangers shouldn't be trusted until they prove to be good people. That doesn't mean to be hostile to them, but just to keep a healthy distance and low expectations about them.
You are right to feel 100% safe only with people who have proven to be trusted in your eyes.
You are blessed to have "N" in your life, to give you a kind, soothing companionship.
I am glad for that !
All the best !
Marcelo.
