Trauma Support Community Check-in: Thursday-Friday 8-9 April 2021
Hello Community !
Today, I propose you the idea 
that
Partial Success is Total Victory !
Trying to achieve too much is a recipe for frustration, disappointment, and low esteem. 
Being content with achieving feasible goals, on the contrary, is the formula for a more calm, satisfying, and fulfilling life. 
For most things, the maximum reasonable goal is 85% of the total possible. 
Don’t strive to get your room, your desk or your schedule 100% perfect. 
50% is enough. 85% would be true perfection. 
The extra effort required to get to 100% of something is so great that the net result becomes negative. 
In business, it’s said that you must stop before you get 85% of some objective. The remaining 15% will take so much effort and time, it would be so costly for so little an improvement, that it would make you lose money.
Any effort beyond what’s enough has a negative effect. 
Also, the feasible, rational goal must be adjusted for different situations and areas of our life.
If we are a bit sad, we can aim to get 20% happier by doing enlivening things. If we feel depressed, 5% happier would be a great achievement.
Never aim at 100%. A partial success is all you need.
100% is a failure in disguise.
Partial success is total victory. 
Questions
- How are you feeling these days ?
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ?
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ?
I look forward to your comments, and wish you all the best !
Marcelo.
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@WelcomeToChat
- How are you feeling these days ? I am very frustrated, upset and feel like I just can not get a thearapy quiestion right, after 3 conecutie days in row. The question if that if I accept the abuse and trauma that has happened to move during childhood, and young adulthood, many of the people that did this were repeat offenders for years, some werent'. I was repeating back to my therapist what they said that it was wrong to just accept this abuse and therefore makes me bad and wrong for accpeting it. She says that i am not thinking deeply enough about i8t. How deep can I think other than that I am wrong for just accepting years of abuse and abuse from ohters males for all this? I have been thinking that this is the right answer becaue she said it was wrong to accept the abuse. What is it that I am not seeing? What is it that I do need to see, to be able to possibly come up with the right answer to this simple question. I am feeling very frustrated with myself, upset at myself, disappointed in myself and feel as I am going to be fired again for not getting this right and not seeing it and responding to it correctly for 3 straight days. Can or would anyone please help me with this some?
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ? I thought I was doing very well in therapy for a change and was so happy, but, evidently I am failing at this. I am satisified with all of my efforts and all of the other efforts I made away from this situation for my mental health. I do try and work hard and try and do a lot. I just guess i am not doing as I should be doing and feel ashamed and so bad.
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ? I'm not sure. I do plan on continue to keep working on all the other avenues for my psychological health, my relaxiation techniques, and also helping others as best as I can. Will someone, please, help me figure out how to properly answer this continual question that is plauging me? Please......
@Amelia2324
Dear Amelia. I've also been told that I should accept what happened, but it does not make sense. How can I possibly accept such terrible things? Why would I think that it's ok that someone has the right to harm and damage someone else and leave him go in peace, with no consequences for his actions? It's twisted and unreasonable, and it enrages me.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this, and unfortunately I don't have words of encouragement for you. I can see that you're desperate and all I can say is to hang in there. It is hipocrite to say that there is hope when I'm not able to see it myself, but I can see that you've made it this far from those days to this day, and that's proof enough that you're strong and you can keep walking forward.
Have faith, Amelia. I have faith in you 💝💜😘
@Amelia2324
@Kimmkimm
Dear Amelia and Kimmy:
I wrote a post on this issue some time ago, expressing what I think about "acceptance".
It is HERE
I will answer properly your check-in posts later, when I have more time, but I wanted to contribute as soon as I could to find an answer to this maddening and controversial question.
All the best !
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat
Marcelo 💖
I totally agree with what you describe here. Achieving 100% is not always possible and so exhausting. Writers have a saying: "done, not perfect", and it means that it is better to get your novel done even if it has flaws, than trying to make it perfect and never being able to finish writing it. And that is what happens to me, I try to get things perfect and I fall in a cycle of reviewing-correcting because I'm never satisfied with the results, so I never get things finished. And it's exhausting.
-How are you feeling these days ?
Not good at all, but I'm too tired to describe it.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ?
I have no motivation to leave my bed but washing up made me feel so good and happy.
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ?
Maybe to survive this day? I don't know, I don't have any goal for now.
@Kimmkimm
There is a text in my response with a bigger font. It's not perfect and it's making me so anxious, even when I checked it twice before sending it. 😢
@Kimmkimm @WelcomeToChat
Dear Kim, please hang in there. I know things seem to be unbearable. I know how terrible nightmares can be and I know how scared, guilty and ashamed you feel. Unfortunately, I can't give you any answer, but I love you too much and that's why I want to ask you to hang in there. None of this is your fault, sweety. Please understand that.
@WelcomeToChat
- How are you feeling these days? Mostly I'm feeling overwhelmed. A gap in med coverage lead me into another healing spiral, and I'm trying to make the best of it.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied? I'm incredibly happy with the progress toward better movement and less pain my neck has made since I fell a few months ago.
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have? I need to clean my house, but it's hard... with the neck.
@HempHealer
I'm sorry you had this problem caused by the lack of med coverage. It might have caused anxiety to feel exposed without insurance and lose med services for this time.
How good that you are having less neck pain and more flexibility !
Regarding the house, maybe reducing your expectations a bit could help.
I also recommend you the robot vacuum cleaners. Even the cheapest Chinese clones of the Roomba do a great job and reduce a lot the amount of work needed to keep the house clean. Look at THESE ! (below the 1st line)
I wish you all the best !
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat, Hi there!
- How are you feeling these days?
I felt calm. For the past few days, I have accomplished some of my personal goals. It made my life much more fun and exciting.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied?
Cooking scrambled egg. Thankfully, my friend lowered the heat I set for the pan. Next time, I will try to be more careful with the heat. xD
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have?
It's related to typing. :)
Have a nice day!
@SnippyHam
Hi there !
I'm elated that you had such a wonderful, magical week, accomplishing personal goals, and making your life much more fun and exciting !
That's awesome !
Congratulations !
Scrambled eggs go very well with Ham, so being able to do it would be like winning a friend, I guess.
Are you training 10-finger "blind" touch-typing ? I think that should be taught at primary school, because it makes so much easier and productive working with a computer. And computers are all over the place, like everything is done typing.
Thank you for participating in this check-in !
I am glad to find you so well.
All the best !
Marcelo
@WelcomeToChat
Thanks for your reply.
Oh! That's a tasty food combination.
Yup. I am trying to train my fingers to type without looking at the keyboard. My goal is focus on the typing speed!
Some teachers in my primary school tried to teach us about typing, but I was not paying attention. A habit of daydreaming instead of studying. xD
- How are you feeling these days ?
I feel a bit distracted and tired. There's a lot on my mind, and a lot going on that's making it hard to focus. I want to find a way to reset a little bit.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ?
Thanks for sharing this perspective. It's helpful for me to reflect on some of my struggles lately. From this perspective, I guess I was trying to get 100% and felt frustrated that I'm not there yet. That adds to the negative mental chatter that goes on in my mind. But if I look at it from your example, I'm part way there and my goal doesn't need to be 100%, and 80% is good enough. There are small things within my goal where I've hit 80%, and maybe that's enough for now. I'm proud of the progress I've made so far and I know every day I'm making more progress - I need to keep telling this to myself, rather than the other narrative of "I'm not doing enough".
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ?
I'm working on a project and this reminded me that I should break it down more so that I can have mini achiavable goals rather than one big one that feels more overwhelming.
@purpleWheel873
Hi !
I'm sorry you feel so tired. When you are drained, it's difficult to focus on anything. Often physical and mental exhaustion go together and reinforce each other. I wish you that you can rest enough during this weekend to recover your focus and get back your full thinking powers.
You made me very happy that you liked the perspective I shared, that we should aim at "enough", and that going for 100% is irrational and harmful. This is backed by hard science (like the Pareto principle and the law of diminishing returns) and managerial best practices.
You got it and implemented it perfectly. Keep it in mind and it will serve you well like forever !
Regarding your project, there is an African proverb (became universal), that you can't swallow an elephant in one gulp, but only in little bits, a bite at a time. (though not politically correct today talking of eating elephants... )
Thank you for participating in this check-in !
All the best !
Marcelo
- How are you feeling these days ? I'm somewhere in tired of being overwhelmed (from over thinking) to fighting my own self to get things done. if it makes any sense.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ? We got out twice this week, even though it was a struggle and I have been working on getting things (my hand written writings) on the computer.
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ? I want to reorganize the room.
@Rebekahwriter13
Hi Rebekah !
It's nice to see you again.
Regarding your exhaustion of overthinking about getting things done, maybe this perspective of fine-tuning your expectations a little, could help.
Also having an organized and solid system to download your to-do thoughts to paper, phone or PC, and then revisit it regularly to do what's most important, could help.
There is a rule by Peter Drucker, the greatest management guru of all time, that says you should rank to-do things by importance. Then do the first priorities, and forget the rest.
Have you tried dictating via Google Docs Voice Typing (free and amazingly accurate, see HERE)
or Dragon ? Once you get used to it, it takes so little effort to convert your handwriting (or even write directly) to PC text files...
Reorganizing the room is a wonderful project ! It adds variety to your life, makes for a nicer environment to be, and there is some connection with your mind, like cleaning and organizing your room does the same to your mind...
Thank you for participating in this check-in !
All the best !
Marcelo.
⚓ How are you feeling these days ?
Worried but I try to keep moving. Today it's Saturday here so I don't have any meetings and I can try to log some research hours. I'm feeling hopeful that by the end of the weekend I'll have some things to present to boss#3 next week.
⚓ What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ?
I worked out 5/7 days this week!!
⚓ What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ?
I'm going to log another six hours this weekend. That should be feasible, i hope. I normally don't try to put six hours of this kind of work in a row, because it can get brutal, but sometimes it's crunch time.
@nordurnStar
Congratulations that you worked out most of the week !
Exercising is great for well being
Especially if you have such a demanding intellectual work schedule.
Deadlines are a fact of life. Particularly in research.
It's OK to run the last mile. But after each work peak, force yourself to rest deeply, to avoid burn-out.
I hope you finish your work and can take a restful break next week.
All the best !
Marcelo
@WelcomeToChat
Hm, it's a good idea to try to plan deep rest after a spring. I think I'm still learning what that looks like for me.
Thank you!
@WelcomeToChat
- How are you feeling these days ?
I am feeling much better. I finally got the answer right in therapy that had been getting me for 3 or 4 days straight. It has made me so happy to finally get it. The answer all along was simply that I am not responsible and that I am not to accept all the child abuse of years and also the years of early adult hood abuse.
- What partial success made you very happy and satisfied ?
I belive I accidently answered that above.
- What’s the next feasible, achievable goal that you have ?
For my life, my next goal is getting back to going to church, instead of just watching church on my laptop.
For therapy, my next goals are to learn how to feel kind, caring, and loving toward myself. This is going to be a big thing for me, as I have felt such a bad, horrible, person all my life. This is going to take soem work and some time, with my committment.
@Amelia2324
Dear Amelia:
I am very glad that you are feeling so much better because you finally have find the right answer for the issue that had been troubling you so much lately.
It is certainly a great achievement.
I totally agree that you are not responsible at all, and that you don't have to accept in any way all the mistreatment you received in childhood and early adulthood.
By the way, It will be great when you can get back to going to church in person ! That will be so uplifting !
Hopefully in a couple of months you will get back as things get back to normal.
Feeling kind, caring, and loving toward yourself is a noble goal, and it's feasible, with constant practice.
I suggest you practice regularly the relevant guided meditations by Tara Brach under the buttons/sections "Meditations" and "Retreat Meditations" in the 7 Cups "Mindfulness Exercises" area HERE. Tara Brach is a great teacher of self-forgiveness and self-love.
All the best !
Marcelo